I have been stuck in a mental state that is immature compared to my chronological age. I guess we all can have those moments, but the reality is, there are some people who, when it comes to responsibility, it is perspicuously evident. I am such a person. I think I’m doing well by trying to think of others, excuse myself from being an intrusion, and will default to others’ opinions and may refrain from challenging a perspective, as to keep the peace. Frankly, it comes from a place of insecurity, because if I did feel safe, I would mention something. I may ask for my needs. But I do not. Because I have believed since a child that the good Christian thing to do is to put others above myself. And that has been demonstrated to the extreme. I take care of my own stuff. And if other peoples’ behavior affects my own, then I will adjust by moving on by myself. I wouldn’t want to start a rift by saying I need someone to change their schedule or perspective, because…well, wouldn’t that be prideful? Plus, shouldn’t I accommodate others; isn’t that the gracious thing to do? Nevertheless, with all the silent moving around, I become increasingly perplexed when my needs go without. My frustration grows when my boundaries are pushed. And if I was completely honest, perhaps I have lived passively for so long, I now no longer have boundaries in certain areas. That is scary to admit. I thought I was doing the loving thing by just letting things go. But I continue to get hurt. And ironically, when it was suggested to me that I should be the one to speak up when I have a need, I huffed to myself. “Why should I be the one to speak up? Here I am leaning into relationships and trying to understand and love others, and I am the one who has to continue reaching out?! Why can’t somebody else reach out to me? Why can’t somebody else be intuitive about my needs?” But these questions don’t get me anywhere but angry and regressing from any growth that I gained over the course of this last year. And it certainly shortens my ability to be proactive about the solution. Yes, I believe that it is important for a mutual leaning in. However, I am learning that requiring people to read my mind is an insufficient way to receive love. Moreover, I will be more apt to revert to selfishness than if I kept aiming to love- and lean into- others. I know I need to speak more. This isn’t about demanding things. But it is inviting someone to understand me, because otherwise, they may not. I thought I was being merciful by letting myself move around other peoples’ blind spots. Now, I am realizing that by not saying anything, yes, I am giving allowance, but I am also enabling the person to see their lack of how they may be negatively affecting me. This is why it is so important to start exercising my voice. I know that I have struggled to stand up for myself. And I am seeing that my silence is sometimes extended in failing to speak up for others. There is an instinctual desire, wishing someone could come to my defense. And yet, the reality is, as an adult, I no longer have an excuse to stay quiet when something needs to be said. I am now in the position of authority in my own life. I am 100% responsible for how I choose to carry my life. Including the possibility of my own family, I will be the one teaching my children how to address matters of discussion and conflict. If I don’t get myself together, then my children will carry the same scars that I bear. I must learn to speak my mind, when there is a need for it. Even for the small things. It doesn’t have to be a grievous offense. It can be as simple as checking schedules. Healthy relationships are vital. Being intuitive to others’ needs is helpful, but I am learning that demanding others to be intuitive for my sake will only leave me frustrated. So, to love, I need to share. I need to speak. In being assertive, I then practice being for the whole of the other person, and not just seeking my own aim.
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