Recently, I have been learning to let go of expectations I put on other people, for the sake of healing wounds that other people have caused me. That's the admittance. The suffering that has cycled in and around me is due to me. Have I had emotional trauma? On some level, yes. Nevertheless, I have convinced myself that I cannot move forward unless someone else fills the hole that was left empty by someone else. There is a wound, and perhaps I have to mourn the fact that this is my reality. The person I needed growing up was unavailable in the way I needed them to be. To this day, I could say I still have need for them; I have need for them to be in my life. But that isn't my reality... I don't have a mother who can spiritually and emotionally carry me. And it's been that way since my teen years, minimally. (Wow...that's out there.) And while I have been holding onto the pain of losing her, relationally, I subsequently demanded other female figures to become the mother I never had. Something that really has no place being put on their shoulders. Being without my own mother still hurts at times, especially when I'm reminded that other mothers invest in their daughters. But in coming out of this victim mindset (which Taylor Swift's "Antihero" and NF's "Happy" songs address), I need to bring my lack to Jesus and ask Him to meet me where I am empty.
"Amen to Taylor and NF"
All this time, I thought
It was their fault...
Their wrong...Their responsibility
To make it right.
But no matter how many tears
I shed for the past,
Nothing changed
Save for the darkness
Growing in my soul.
Demanding that history
Had to have a rewrite
To make all things right
In my life
Or else I mentally died
Every dusk the morning failed
To deliver the hope it promised.
But at some point,
The sin that remains
In the room is my own.
I saw everyone else as an enemy,
But the only person present
Was a vision of me in a mirror.
My inward chaos is caused
By my insufficiency to be
Content with the book's story.
Failing to read the next chapter...
No. I keep making each chapter
Read similar to the rest.
Yet, the Author keeps
Introducing His love, asking
When will I rest in Him and forgive
Those who caused me pain?
Will I learn to admit my need
To the only One who can fill it?
Will I receive love from the One
Who can only love me 100% right?
Or will I continue to enjoy
This darkness that has secretly
Become my home?
Will I continue to rant
According to the faults of others,
While it is me who verbally spills
The blood of people's reputations?
Condemning my past has only led me
To damn my present,
Suffocating the future of any hope.
There is a problem.
And it's me.
To be happy,
I need to believe
Christ's work is sufficient
To know and behold a love
I once was starved,
But no longer
Am.
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