As my husband would say, please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I know children are a blessing from the Lord, and are to be cherished. They are a good “thing” to want. But I just got married, and have had at least two women ask if I’m pregnant or want to be. One said she just wanted to know what to pray for me. Gee, thanks for supplementing a choice to answer, rather than asking an open-ended question. I know that they are just excited for me. I know that they are just wanting to start up a conversation. But frankly, after just entering a life-long commitment, why is there a question for the next thing? Frankly, I just got married! I’ve been single for a long time, and having to now live life having to consider another person’s thoughts and opinions besides my own is quite the switch. After all, I have only had to care about me for all of my adult years. So, why is it that women seem to want to know if I am interested in the next stage? Can’t I breathe? Can’t I learn to be a wife without feeling I have to become a mother? Am I good in the season that I am presently in? (I’m pretty sure I brought this up at my wedding during the reception.) While I was single, women wondered if there was anyone in my life. Part of that was the awkwardness of being single (like that stage of life was somehow not the gift that God intended); other times, it was making me aware that I have a biological time clock I gotta be concerned about. After all, if I want children, I better find me a good man and get knocked up right away. Yeah…what a great message to send girls and young women, especially from the church. What happened to encouraging women to grow in Christ and become their best selves? What happened to telling them it’s okay to wait, because a good man later is better than a bad man coming too soon? What happened to teaching them to enjoy every season, because God indeed has a purpose for each stage of life? And why is it that when there is a significant life change, we don’t let someone process the effect that might have, and we tell them to get ready for the next thing? Again…I know that asking about pregnancies is seen as a form of starting conversation, trying to hear desires, and celebrating things that can happen in life. But that isn’t what the recipient is hearing. The woman who is asked if they are pregnant (when they were not the one to bring it up) hears that they aren’t enough unless they are bringing in the next generation. I wonder if men get asked these questions. If you do, what do you say; and if not, what do you guys ask? Maybe, waiting to become pregnant isn’t about trying to be selfish and keeping lives “simple” (remember, marriage in itself opens up cans of worms that singleness can leave unearthed). Maybe being pregnant brings a lot more complexities than what is initially discussed. When a woman is asked, “Are you going to have kids? Come on! What’s taking you so long,” many fears can actually come up. The following are things I have heard from other brides, as well as considering my own fears. -Probability of health complications to the mother (women still can die from giving birth) -Having had been pregnant and have miscarried…maybe even multiple times (hello Celia from The Help) -Taking medication that, if pregnant, can lead to birth defects or other complications -There’s a lot of abandoned children in the world; is adoption okay? -Having a disability that can make it harder to care for a child, physically -Not knowing if you’ll screw up the child, because personal trauma has created some bad habits that you wouldn’t want to scar your own kid with As for me, living with disabilities that can impact my children is a very huge indicator why I’m okay with waiting to become a mother. Furthermore, I just became a wife, and learning to do life with someone else, rather than just living by my own interests and schedule has been quite the curveball! There are things I am learning, that I wasn’t fully aware of, because I didn’t have anyone in which my decisions affected. There are things about me that I need to address before I even dream of bringing a child into this world, because if I’m not healed at my deepest core, I could continue some generational hurts. I realize I am in my mid-30s. I know the science behind waiting, and the danger it can cause. But being an immature and/or unprepared woman scares me more. This isn’t about me wanting to keep my life, as is. This isn’t about me wanting a career over family (although, I still do like teaching). This is about the fact that there are so many variables to be mindful of when bringing a child into this world. I think we need to stop asking leading questions where we infer our personal desires onto other people. (And as a fixer, I realize I need to take a hint from what I just wrote). Why not try to ask, “What’s new?” And if a woman brings up wanting children, then the conversation can go from there. If you want to ask what to pray for, then ask simply without becoming specific. Doing so actually is notifying the recipient how you feel like you want to pray for that person. Kinda feels forced, and frankly, it doesn’t open the conversation to ask what is on the recipient’s heart (which is why you’re asking in the first place, right? See what I did there.) Please, from a newly married wife: LET ME ENJOY WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME NOW without worrying about what is in the next chapter!!! And for Pete’s sake, let’s do that for any woman of any stage. Single, married, has kids, empty-nesters, or retired…let’s be willing to encourage what God has for them at that moment. Doing that, we can focus on what He is saying, and minimize the voices of peoples’ expectations that shouldn’t have any influence, anyway.
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