I'm Mourning the Loss of Two Students

     Last Tuesday, a former student of mine died in a car accident.  Later I learned that he was hit by someone, in the early hours of the morning.  The next day, I found out that another former student was at fault, alcohol was involved, and they may have done it deliberately.  The family of the first student stated that, while in court, the second student laughed while listening to charges, and was given a bond.  No case, as far as I know.  Another casualty of the present law enforcement team considering the dire situation of a death way too young to be experienced.

     I am in mourning for the student who passed away.  He was only 20-years-old.  A life ahead of him.  A friend noted to me, that he was in the works to be shooting for a movie.  But now, I will be going to his funeral, rather than renting a Red box DVD where is one of the characters.  I have always said that I would rather go to my kids’ weddings, than to their funerals.  But that is not the case, right now.

     But I am also in mourning for the second student.  How does a parent feel if one of their kids were killed by their sibling?  In some context, that is how I feel.  It would be different if the first student was killed by someone random, however, that is not the case.  The nature of the two knowing one another makes us all question, “Why?”  And alcohol is not enough of an answer.

     Lastly, I mourn for the family.  And in the mourning of the death of one of my former students, I find myself grieving for a deeper reason.  Since the news of my student’s death, social media has lit up crying out for justice…but with a voice that resounds of vengeance.  As a family member said, “I want [the killer] to feel the same pain [they] caused.”  I understand the pain.  I understand the sorrow.  I understand the anger, but I’m leery to jump and take sides, because I know there are offenses on all margins. 

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     “…Mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13)”

     Note: The Bible doesn’t state that mercy triumphs over justice.  I do believe that the student who is at fault should and needs to be held accountable for their actions.  There does need to a thorough investigation, and a trial, prosecuted with an upstanding court.  However, at the end of the day, whether the case comes or not, can the one who is guilty of murder be forgiven?  Forgiveness seems like an outrageous solution, considering all that has been done.  “A life for a life, right?  They are without remorse; let them feel the pain they caused!”  Nevertheless, I hope that the family can forgive the one at fault for their boy’s death.

     What if the second student had a personal, hidden offense that drove them to do this?  I am not justifying the action.  I am only trying to show that an offense left unattended, and a hurt left alone without the grace of Christ will only fester.  Jesus even said that if you hate your brother, you already committed murder (Matthew 5:21-22).  Why is this?  Because a hatred eventually leads to murder of some sort, whether it be through slander (murdering someone’s reputation) or physically (killing them).  Point is, whatever offense that the second student may have had, whether it was perceived or actual, I hope that they can learn to forgive the person who is now dead.  Furthermore, I fear the sense of hate might stir someone to do what had been done to them.  I hope not. 

     However, I hope both the family and the murderer can experience the forgiveness and love of God.  This is where I am going with all of this.  According to God, sin is sin.  If we commit one sin, we’re guilty of them all (James 2:10)!  We are the ones who put weights and measures on certain actions, trying to portray our own justification and righteousness.  “If we have a reason, then it was okay to do.” However, that isn’t the case, because when we hold onto offenses…even the worst of ones committed (i.e. abuse, murder), we may drive ourselves to continue the cycle of murder, rather than halting it.  We become the very thing we are fighting.

     But if I remember how much my own sin grieves God…no matter how “little”, how can I hold onto the sin of the one who hurt me?  If God forgave me, could He…better question, would He forgive them?  Second Peter 3:9 states that God doesn’t want anyone destroyed, but rather that all would come to repentance.  Yes.  God wants everyone – the good, the bad, and the plain ugly to come to know Him, and to be forgiven of their sins.  He desires that none would perish.

     The irony of holding onto grudges and wishing pain on the enemies who have hurt me is that if they were to pay the same price that they made me feel (even unto death), I probably will not be satisfied.  Granted I won’t be.  Reality is, I could wish someone harm for their offenses, but in truth, I just wish they were sorry.  To add salt to a wound is to be without remorse.  And a death without an apology can leave a desire perpetually unfulfilled. That is what hurts the most, and I realize, aside from receiving the body of their son/brother/uncle/friend, it is that the one who began all this pain, Tuesday morning, is not apologetic.

     May I argue that forgiveness is not a substitute for justice?  As I said before, I believe that the one at fault should be held accountable.  Forgiveness does not mean that you are not allowed to feel.  It’s okay to grieve over a loss, to be angered over the cause.  What is forgiveness?  It is letting go, and letting God, as the old proverb states.  It is allowing Him to do the work that only He can do, and trusting that He will right the wrong.  It is learning to let go of the expectation that your joy is dependent upon their repentance.  It is loving a person who deserves all the hatred in the world, rather than wishing them hell.  Forgiveness is the letting go of a debt that has eternal implications.  It, in as of itself, also impacts more than the temporary.    

     I pray for comfort and healing for the families.  I pray that mercy can be shown to the guilty.  I pray that my second student does become remorseful, but in such a way that leads to repentance, rather than a sorrow that leads into a dark shame.  I have lost one student to death, but there is time for the second to find redemption.  Even if the freedom is found only in their soul, behind physical bars, I still desire for that freedom.  Lastly, I want Jesus Christ’s name glorified in this painful situation. Whatever death that Satan meant to stir up, it ends here and now.  Amen.

Death, Have You Forgotten?

Dear Death,
The more I sit and think

Upon the waste that you have laid;

The more I see the devastation

Wrecked among my people;

The more I have to combat

Thoughts and imaginations set

To destroy peace,

The more tears flow

A seething anger birthed in coals.

How dare you keep spewing your poison?

How long do your words whisper in ears,

Speaking - meant to deceive

Feeding the itching entertainment of the mind,

Bringing the countenance of the young into despair?

How long must you drive the attention of our souls,

Masking our remembrance of the One who created us?

How long will your bitter words grow dead things

By which the fruit remains in the grave?

How many of my children must fall prey?

Tears wretched as Jack Daniels, Mary Janes, Crystal M and Rx

Sit at the table pouring into their psyche, as they hope

The emptiness they feel will be drowned in a moment.

Bruises hidden, imprints of fists and ears wracked

As yelling is a form of communication and control.

The late hours become a playground, as they are forgotten

By the ones who birthed them. Innocence has been removed

In the most intimate of ways.

Girls are missing without a trace…

No trail publicly used to hunt the perpetrators. 

As dusk draws nigh, futility tempts the end to become a friend.

Death, how long will you forget

Two-thousand years ago

You were already declared dead?

Your power was ripped from your hands!

And yet, your broken chains still hold

Bound the people meant to be free!
But by one word, you are rebuked. 

By one word, the threat of your grasp cut.

By one word, you are defeated.

And that one word is a name.

And the name is JESUS.

Dear Jesus,

We need You. 

 Sometimes I lose the words to pray,

So hear the utterings of my groanings.

There is a pain that has persisted

Across generations.  The time has come,
We ask for it to stop. 

I ask for addictions to become suffocated;

I ask for abuse to be swallowed;

I ask for suicide to hang itself. 

But what is there to fill our souls,

If we do not have You?  O God,

Breathe in us Your everlasting life.

Remind us that our traditions

Fail to save.  Philosophy not built

On the foundation of Christ

Will crumble.  Deliver us

From the darkness that entangles.

Forgive us the idols we carry.

Jesus, I ask that You would become

The desire of our hearts. Holy Spirit

Stir a yearning, by which the Living Water

Quenches the hunger we bear.

A new creation, Christ in us

The hope of Glory.  Old things have gone,

Make this nation new!  Heal my people.

Bring Your salvation to persistent curses,

So that our future may be blessed.

 Lastly, Daddy, for my children:

Be the secure arms that hold them in love

Speak to them gently, and yet firmly affirm

The Truth of who You are and what You have done.

My heart aches, and I wish the sting would be no more.

They are not alone, and I ask that You remind them.

Cradle them, and yet, I ask that You would be

The craving of their souls, rooted and established

Abounding in the Life that You ransomed for them.

Death, be no more.

Have you forgotten

Two thousand years ago,

You were declared dead?

In Jesus, you have been rebuked.

In Jesus, the threat of your grasp has been cut.

In Jesus, you have been defeated.

JESUS REIGNS IN THIS PLACE!!

Your power was ripped from your hands!

Your chains broken will no longer bound those freed!

I Am Not a Replacement (A Youth Leader's "Rant")

     “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” –Proverbs 22:6

     As I address this topic, I must confess that I am speaking from three different angles.  I speak as a teacher, where once my goal has been to educate students on the three R’s (writing, reading, and ‘rithmetic) now has been to address other social, behavioral, mental, and emotional needs of students.  I speak as a youth leader in church, finding myself being a second parent to many of my students.  I also speak as a child whose Biblical principles were seeded, primarily by youth group than at home.  I admit that this is a subject I have found a growing frustration, and the only way to address it is to speak about it.  Even if, at this time, it is just writing.  Perhaps I will talk on this, at a later time.  I will be writing from the latter two perspectives.  However, I admit that I am speaking from experience, as well as addressing things in the Bible. 

     Over the course of this summer, I began to get stuck on what was going “wrong” with the youth.  This is a typical scene for youth group; not just ours, here in Browning.  We have our students sit in a circle…some try to pull out their cell-phones, or silently talk to their neighbors.  None have brought a Bible.  Few are focused on what we, the adults, are trying to share, but most seem to be zoned out.  We have been speaking a certain subject primarily, for a few months now…and it seems like our kids aren’t getting it.  I know that we aren’t speaking in a foreign language, and we are trying to share the gospel in the plainest of terms, as possible. 

     As I took time this summer to pray, I found a direct correlation to how our kids have been in youth, and how their parents are concerning church attendance, activities, and living out their faiths in their communities.  There is a direct parallel with most families, spiritually speaking.  If parents do not attend church, or are known to be wishy-washy, so will the teenagers.  If the parents are digging in the Word, I have noticed that the kids will too. 

     Here on the Rez, we have so many kids running around on their own.  They are without any supervision, and are allowed to stay late with their friends.  They do not go to sleep at a specific time.  I do not mean to abrade parents, but there are many of our youth who go off, without their parents’ knowing, and do whatever their impulses or desires drive them to do.  Before we go on, I want to make this clear.  What I am discussing is not just a reservation or Native issue.  Any person in America can find this to be an epidemic:  children are left to their own.  It’s something that has plagued ‘Christian’ homes spanning generations and different cultures.  Even Charles H. Spurgeon had to address it in one of his own sermons (he lived in England, during the 1800s). 

     He once stated, “He is a bad preacher who does not commence his ministry at home.  The heathen are to be sought by all means, and the highways and hedges are to be searched, but home has a prior claim, and woe unto those who reverse the order of the Lord’s arrangements.  To teach our children is a personal duty; we cannot delegate it to Sunday school teachers, or other friendly aids.  These can assist us, but cannot deliver us from the sacred obligation (original emphasis).”

     Here is the epidemic found within the church walls:  parents are leaving their sacred obligation of teaching their children about Christ to the Sunday school teachers and youth leaders/pastors.  And perhaps it isn’t such a surprise, because there are many parents who leave their own faith walks to be completed by their [lead] pastors.  They themselves only get spiritually fed once a week, and expect that the timely word on Sunday is enough to nourish until the next time the pastor preaches. 

     I do not want to disregard my position as a youth leader.  Nevertheless, parents/guardians hold a level of influence that I do not, because they are the primary caregivers of and examples to our youth, and they spend the most time with them.  I may spend two to four hours a week with my teens.  If I happen to be their teacher, a little bit more.  Yet, I will not have the level of influence a parent has.  Surely, I have an important role as a youth leader.  Sharing about Christ with teenagers while the anxiousness of school, home, and hormones are raging is an immense and a weighty call.  Yet, I am not a replacement for Christ being shared in the home.  You are the ones who provide food, shelter, and clothing for them.  You are the ones who have the ability to talk with them.  Yes, my job as a youth leader is important, but help in making sure that what we have said is rooted in their hearts.  Please don’t wait until your kids have moved out of the house, or find themselves in a dire circumstance, before you suddenly become concerned  with their spiritual well-being.

     I have observed that there is such an inconsistency in peoples’ walks with Christ.  Some praise on Sunday, but throughout the week, live a different way.  Some don’t come at all.  Perhaps some of the parents dig in the Word, but fail to invite their kids to learn with them what the Bible has to teach concerning a specific situation, and pray with them.  Some parents are going after God, but have in-avertedly left their children to fend for their own spiritual well-being.  

     I want to make it clear that this isn’t about works.  One’s relationship with Christ is not determined by how many chapters one can read in the Bible, how many church services one can attend in a week, or how long one’s prayers are.  The crucial component of a relationship with Jesus is that you are taking time to be with Him, and allowing His grace to transform your heart.  Are you truly letting Him be Lord of your life?  And commonly, how parents walk out their faith, so will the kids.  Monkey see, monkey do.

      For whatever you do, the kids have a reason for doing it as well.  Whatever you don’t do (yet tell them to do), they will find an excuse for them not to do.  And that excuse?  “Because my parents don’t.”  Why should they follow after God, if you aren’t?  I remember when I was a kid, my parents had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to cuss.  However, I was allowed to watch films that swore, and my parents swore, as well.  So, at the age of eight, I came to the conclusion that if they could, why couldn’t I?  So for a week, I would cuss under my breath.  Not in front of my parents, of course, because then I would get in trouble.  However, I wonder how it would have been different, if the standard was raised where I was not allowed to encounter that, thereby, making it more grounded that it was not allowed.

     I understand completely that parents in the church are desiring the best for their kids.  They, though they may struggle with walking out their faith, will still direct their kids to do so.  I understand, because that was the case in my home, growing up.  My parents became Christians when I was five and six years old.  I was involved with kids’ activities such as AWANA, and later youth group.  We went to church on Sundays.  They enrolled me in a private Christian school, for the duration of my junior high years.  However, by the time I was in high school, I realized that things weren’t all that it should be. 

     We had dysfunction.  We didn’t communicate.  If we had issues, we yelled at each other. Then the silent treatment was given. Sometimes, we spent time together, but on a day-to-day basis, everyone was in a separate room, entertaining themselves. If my parents were fighting, I suddenly became the middle-man, and had to be the messenger between them.  I was observant; which came in handy, because I could explain to my dad why my mother was upset, depending on certain actions done or words said.  If there was a spiritual head, it was me.  I was the strength in my family when fights blew up; I was the glue that kept us together when my pastor died of leukemia; I was the one who counseled my parents in how to deal with issues.  We were a Christian family, yet, struggling to live as one.  There was an inconsistency from the Sunday service to the rest of the week.  For me, as a teenager, it was hard.  I struggled with things, but because my parents weren't grounded in the Word (like I was), I felt like I could not go to them (aside from the issues I was already struggling with, with one of my parents).  Spiritually, I felt like I couldn’t depend on them.  There were times I found moments that I could go to youth leaders in the church, but honestly…I had wished that I could go to my parents. 

     We need parents to be going after Jesus.  Our kids and teenagers need their parents to be going after Jesus (and also take time to show them how to go after Jesus…don’t just seek after revelation, and fail to teach your kids the revelations God is giving to you).  Parents are the primary provider in showing what it means to follow after Christ.  No matter the past of the parents or the education they had received – they are the ones whose obligation is to be the primary teachers to children in how to know God.  In Proverbs 22:6, it says, “Train up a child in the way they should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  As a youth leader, I try to do this the best I can.  I love your teens, and give them the best advice and wisdom I know how to.  But this isn’t limited to church leaders!  You are the greatest influence on your children’s lives! 

     In my community, there are many issues we presently struggle with; addictions to alcohol, drugs, and/or gambling.  There are many cases of broken families, abuse, and neglect. There have been generational curses set forth, from the painful histories of the boarding schools.  Nevertheless, those curses can be broken, and they begin in the home.  Your home.  When Joshua was leading the nation of Israel out of the wilderness, he challenged them to follow after God.  “Now, therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in sincerity and truth…And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve…But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  -Joshua 24: 14,15

     As for me AND my house.  Not just for me…not just for my house.  All of it.  I encourage you, that maybe God has just been a side-thought.  Know that God is real, and is the God of the world!  Creator of all things!  Turn to Him and repent of your sin, and receive His forgiveness.  Give your hearts to the Lord, and bring your families with you.

     To the parents that bring your children to church with them, seem to be eating up the Word, yet are inconsistent in the manner of disciplining their children to follow the Lord.  Don’t think of discipline as punishment; to discipline is to teach.  There are parents who praise Jesus all over Facebook, yet do not take a regular effort to know God themselves.  Please take heed!  You may desire your children to go after Christ, but if you do not, most likely they will not.  (I know that my story seems like it can be possible, but the truth is, my story is not the norm.  Most relationships with Christ are very much parallel comparing the parents with their children.  On rare accounts do they differ.)

     Maybe you are the parents that do dig in the Word…all the time.  But if you do not share with your kids about what God has been doing in your hearts (or discuss what was said on Sunday), lives, as well as their lives, how will they understand that God is real in the part of life where Sunday church isn’t present?  Sermons may be preached on Sundays, but parents carry a vital role in showing day-to-day how those sermons can be specifically applied. 

     I know I sound harsh.  Perhaps judgmental and pointing a finger.  I already admitted that part of my writing this has been due to some frustration.  However, this frustration is due to my heart burning for my teenagers to know Christ, as well as their whole families.  My angst comes from knowing the brokenness that has sustained itself within our communities, and passionately wanting to see its end.  When the jailer came to know the Lord, he made a point that not only he was saved, but so that his whole family would be too (Acts 16:31).  Hear my heart:  I want to see a redemption that spans across generations.  Yes, for my youth in True Life and for their kids, and grandchildren.  But I also wish to see Redemption do its work in the former generations…that is you.

     And it is possible.  Perhaps, after reading this, you realize that you haven’t been going after God like you should have been.  Perhaps, you feel like you may have wasted time.  Maybe there are other things that have taken precedence in your life.  Be assured!  Our God is a merciful God, and abounding in forgiveness, when you come to Him.  If you still have breath in your bones, there is a chance to make things right with Him.  Maybe you aren't knowledgeable about the Bible, like a pastor.  That's okay.  You weren't called to be a pastor; you were called to be a parent.  Just get to know God, and train up your kids in His will. If there is breath in your lungs, you can start a new chapter with your kids.  Even if your kids have moved out of the house, you can still have an influence on them, in a godly way.  The time and season for direct influence is over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start praying for them.  And prayer works, no matter where you, or they, are.  In the midst of allowing God to work in your life will also prove to be an example.

     Now, from personal experience, when my parents would apologize for the things they had done, and when they started to walk more after Christ, I was slightly skeptical.  I stood-off emotionally, secretly wondering how long was this going to be.  Were they going to go back to their old habits?  Don’t become offended.  When you decide to change your normal, it will be weird at first.  But as the weird becomes more common, it will become the new normal eventually.  Jesus continually transforming your life will be evident in the time to come, and your life will bear witness and influence in your family.

     My family is beginning to bear witness, too.  My mother who seemed to be off-put when I spoke about Jesus, will excitedly engage in a conversation when I describe some of the ministry opportunities that have occurred.  My dad is growing in getting in the Word.  My brother is paying more attention to what God has to say, and focusing on Him more.  And, in reflection to my growing up years, I must admit that as much as things weren’t perfect, as much as they have had their faults, they aren’t failures as parents.  I have since realized that though they hadn’t gone far (according to my expectations of what they should have been doing), they did teach me some valuable things about going after God in the midst of our family chaos.

     My mother is immensely hospitable, and thinks of others above herself.  She has always resorted to prayer when things go array.  When a student had gotten in a car accident, and I called crying, her response was, “Laura, now you need to be praying for her.”  My dad has very practical wisdom, based on the Bible, even if he couldn’t specifically tell you what verse to go to.  He also would direct me to take every opportunity to dig into the Lord.   I remember one time, I was grounded from youth group.  The following week, I felt like skipping youth group, but my dad forced me to go, because he did not want me to get out of a habit of going.  Here’s the thing.  My parents are a definition of successful parenting, and this is why.  They desired to have their children go after the Lord, and despite where they presently were, their kids have gone further and deeper than they could have dreamed.  My dad once commented, “How did I get so lucky to have two great kids?”  I replied, “Because we have put Jesus in the center of our lives.”  My parents did a work of seeding God into our hearts, and with time, it has borne great fruit.

     Before I finish, I want to talk to the youth, lastly.  Perhaps your parents don’t go to church, or maybe they do, but are inconsistent.  Perhaps they are hypocritical.  Go after God, anyway.  Take time on your own to get to know God.  You cannot use your parents’ mistakes as an excuse for not going after God.  You cannot claim your parents’ godly relationship with God, as your own.   Every single person is held accountable for themselves for making Jesus Lord of their lives. 

     For those who lack the support in having godly parents:  I know that there may be a hurt or resentment.  Forgive them anyway.  Drop the expectations you laid on their shoulders, because here is the truth.  No parent is perfect.  This does not excuse the behavior or mistakes your parents may have made.  However, if you expect them to act a certain way, while they are not in a spiritual place to meet that expectation, you will continually be offended.  Once I let go of the expectations I placed on my parents, I then saw God moving in their hearts.  Many credit their testimonies to a praying parent.  Some praying parents began as praying children, and that can be you.  Even in your youth, you can be an example to your families to follow after Christ.  Lean on Him, and share the hope you have found with your siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  Though you are young, you can be a light.  Take hold, and go forth.  

Dear Future Husband (Time to Wait)

My dear, future husband,

     I imagine you here, sitting across from the table in front of me.  The shape of your face, and the grin you carry in your eyes, the laughter you may sing.  I wonder the conversations we hold; the hopes and expectations for the day, as well as confessing the fears we gain from our work’s load.  I imagine what it would look like to walk out the callings on our lives, together.  Sharing in the sorrow of the burden from desiring to see people saved; finally rejoicing in the triumph of Christ’s name glorified as they accept Him into their hearts.  I wonder what the silly things we may do, and the partnership we will bear, as two become one flesh.

     There is an excitement to romance.  I have continued to wait for you these many years, as my friends have found their own.  But to be utterly honest, I have found myself recently longing.  Wondering when you will come around.  Or will I come around to you?  I once thought we would be together, by now.  That is not the case.  There are moments I want to rush the interaction (ask how your day was, inquire how you like my new haircut, and yes, possibly flirt); pray that we may talk, and yet, at this time, Daddy tells me to wait.  I am left with idealized memories, and forced to ponder that He has you somewhere for a certain purpose, and I am still here for such a time as this.  My heart must be careful; ideas driven by emotions solely only become falsified infatuations that neither of us can fulfill.

     I wonder if you have thought about me.  If the idea of me has crossed your mind, lately.  Are you patient to wait, or like me, eager to meet?  Do you have to be reminded by Daddy, that He is still transforming our minds and conforming our hearts to be more like His?  I know I have to.  It hurts.  I have already waited for so long, and I wonder how long God’s timeline still must stretch before we are blessed to tie the knot.  However, I know that you are a promise and a gift.  And what He says, He is sure to complete its coming. 

     It is time to wait. 

     It is time to wait.

     Be patient, my love.  It’s not yet time to say, “Hello.”

     I started this letter, in an effort to write a prayer for you.  However, I am realizing more, that the one who needs prayer is your future wife.  Yes, I have, and will continue to pray that you will draw near to God’s voice and heart.  Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in those moments of closeted prayer, and aware of those interruptions that prove to be opportunities to minister.  Guard your heart and mind from all that may distract you from your purpose, calling, and living a pure and holy life. 

      Nevertheless, I too, find myself in need to wait on Him. To wait for Him. I wish the clock could tick many milliseconds quicker, so that Daddy could finally say we could meet.  But if I was honest with my heart, it would reveal that if you were here, now, I may place a burden upon your shoulders only meant for God to hold.  I may desire your words to an extent that I forget to long for Him to define my identity.  You will be my husband, but you should never be my idol.  This is why I know I must wait.  Before I allow you to steal my heart, and you invite me to steal your last name, I must fully give my being to the Creator and Lord of all things.  To be yours, without being His, I will only become a kinked neck to the head of the house. 

     So, I will wait. 

     I will offer my hopes, desires, and God’s promise back to Him until the appointed time. 

     I hope I will continue to wait.  Ever since I became aware of your future presence, I find myself suddenly noticing the present possible options that could fulfill this desire of romance, and this hope for a future.  Oh golly, they are cute.  Have similar interests, and when they talk to me, it makes me feel nice.  After all, I wasn’t given much attention by boys growing up, aside from being picked to play sports.  They may know Jesus (but honestly, even that is trivial, because I don’t know them well), but they are here.  In the place I am presently called.  So…I wonder…is it any trouble to take my present desire, weave it with a present man, in order to fulfill a future calling?  Would it hurt?  

     Yes, I know it would. 

     For, I already know that I am not solely called to where I am, presently.  So, to greet a man – no matter how suave he may be, would only sway me from what God has ultimately destined.  Not only to mention, by eagerly filling my emotions, I will fail to think of you, and then miss out on what God desired that we would be, together.  But temptations are surely around.  Perhaps, you know them, as well.  Maybe not in the same manner, but still, ever-present in your world.  I pray that you would keep your eyes focused on God, flee from the devil when he comes prowling, until and while we meet.  Pray for me, as well. 

     I know I am not perfect.  Yet, I know that from the deepest parts of my soul, I want to glorify God, and honor you.  Honor you before we meet, when we get to finally exchange vows and rings, as well as while we walk through this life called, “Marriage,” hand-in-hand until death do us part, or when Jesus comes back; whichever comes first.    Everything is made beautiful in its time.  And it will be beautiful, when we – or should I say, I – don’t misstep from the alignment that God has already foreordained. 

     So, I will breathe.  I will wait. 

     Be still, my heart.  It’s not yet time to say, “Hello.”

Until we shall meet, keep your eyes forward on Daddy. 

You are always on my mind.  I love you, and am praying for you,

Laura Emily

Taking Every Moment (IYC 2017 Testimonies)

   It was during worship of the last staff chapel this year, and I sat down reflecting on the last week.  I had five girls in my cabin, and I felt like only two of them were really getting anything out of the services from Indian Youth Camp (the other three were distracted as heck).  Was I doing my job as room staff, and speaking as I needed to throughout this week of ministry?

     I have a tendency to be harsh on myself.  I am prone to seek out the individual, and one-on-one conversations are one of my strengths.  However, as a teacher, I am also trained to also be mindful of everyone in my charge, and the goal is to reach them all.  Yet, in that moment, I felt God had whispered to me, “Don’t get caught on the one(s) you feel you haven’t reached.  Remember the ones you have reached.”  The purpose of this statement was this:  I had suddenly focused on the possible understanding that I didn’t reach everyone in my care.  However, what God wanted me to think on was the testimonies how I had run into a few girls throughout the week, in those interruptions of my walks around the campus came opportunities where He was able to speak to them His love, hope, and truth.  These are their stories.

     Ministry, for me, began the Sunday night.  Camp officially began the Monday afternoon, but the night before, staff and junior staff went up to Hungry Horse for a preparation service by means to worship, be in God’s presence, and pray for the rest of the week.  On the way back from the service, I was talking to one of our Browning junior staff.  The conversation began as things are going alright, but then she admitted that not all was well at home.  With some council, I felt led to pray for her and the understanding of her identity and worth in Christ.

     Out of my five girls, I was given the opportunity to pray with four of them for different reasons.  My first girl comes from Browning.  During our devotion time on Monday night, I had asked the girls, “Do you believe that you are children of God.”  This girl said, “I do, but I don’t, because I don’t know God.”  I, then, asked her if she wanted to ask Jesus into her life.  She wanted to wait until all the girls were gone to shower, but we eventually prayed together.  Later, throughout the week, she asked a couple of good questions, such as, “Do people who don’t believe in Jesus then go to hell?”  As off topic to the devotional as it was, it was impertinent to discuss, and allowed for another girl to ask a question that he always wondered about. 

     Second of my cabin-girls had been eating up what was being said during the services, however, on Thursday, she admitted that her legs had been hurting for two days.  We prayed before chapel began.  When I had asked her if there was any change, she said there was none.  However, after the service, she said that when she went up for the prayer activity given by the youth pastor, her legs no longer hurt.  Jesus had healed her pain! 

     I had one girl who, on the first night of camp, wanted to ask a question, but was quite hesitant to do so.  She wanted to ask about it, but she hinted that she was nervous about what I, perhaps the other girls in the room as well, would think.  I suggested that if she was more comfortable, that she could tell me by herself.  With the prompting of a friend, she admitted, openly, that she is bisexual.  As the conversation went, I could tell that she was wondering if God loves her, yet, I could also hint that she desired that her sexuality, as is was, would be accepted among Christians.  I confirmed that the Bible indeed states that homosexuality is a sin; nevertheless, homosexuality is no greater sin than the pride I have struggled with, and yes, God still loves her.  I encouraged her to give her sexuality to God. 

     Two days had passed, and as I was walking around the campus, I ran into her, tears about to run down her cheeks.  I asked her what was going on, but she just wanted to curl up in a ball in the dorm-room.  Convincing her to talk with me, she then explained that she has these emotions that no one understands, and a father who tells her to not cry.  She was heartbroken over a girl she was attracted to (and was showing attention to someone else). 

     A heart hurt over a relationship, even if the relationship is the wrong relationship, is still a heart hurt.  The conversation grew into explaining my own experiences with attractions (though toward boys, I have some lessons that could be shared), and waiting for the right time to be in a relationship.  I advised her that she would need to talk to this girl and let her know that they can only be friends.  She wondered what the use would be.  “What’s the use if I’m going to hell anyway?”  Even though this girl claimed to be bisexual, and she desired at some level that she wanted that to be okay, there was an uncomfortableness in her spirit, because, she also wanted to believe and please God.  We prayed together that God would take hold of her life, and lead her how to be following Him.  We also prayed that God would help her emotions and restore her sexuality as He meant it to be.

     The last girl in my cabin that I interacted with, in my book, needed a spiritual PCA (personal care attendant).  From night one she admitted struggling with depression (later, suicidal tendencies).  She wanted to worship God, but due to the things that have happened in her past, she didn’t know how to worship.  Throughout the week, it seemed like she was the one I had to attend to the most, and was constantly praying with.  She woke up two out of the four nights with being startled in her dreams or hearing a voice (she also has a history of night terrors…may be due to what happened to her).  Throughout the week, I confided in a friend, and agreed that she needed some deliverance ministry, however, knowing that she doesn’t have any godly support back home, any more than just praying with her to sleep well and speaking into her identity may make her more susceptible for attacks that she won't recover from.  This isn’t to say that she doesn’t need this kind of ministry, but deliverance plus counseling is needed to heal many of the wounds she carries. 

      That being said, throughout the week, I saw that she was smiling more and more.  On the last night, I woke up at 5:00 in the morning, as expected (she would wake up around this time).  I heard startling, and prayed suddenly, “Oh, God, please not again.”  As I lifted my head, it was other girls that were moving in their sleep.  This girl had slept straight through the night!  Somehow, I believe God woke me up at that time to show me that she slept straight through.  I hope that as she goes on, further healing will come into her life, and Christ is given the room and opportunity to minister to her soul.  Another God-thing in this girl’s life:  I found out that she lives in Missoula right now, and me being from Missoula, I have resources to get her connected with a church and Christian friends.  That was really cool to find out! 

     Ministry was not only secluded to my room staff girls.  I found that some staff members needed prayer; ministry in a home situation, another needed prayer for a sprained ankle (which by the next morning, had the wrap off and was walking without any pain).  My “PCA girl” had a friend that she feared had been offended.  When she brought up her concern, I had just hunted down a Bible and wanted to go upstairs and write a note in it.  However, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to follow her, and when I did, she sat down under the bridge-stairs, talking to her friend.  I knelt down and listened to the conversation.  I asked if I could come under and talk to the friend.  The friend admitted she plays mind games in order to obtain control.  She said that her parents have told her she was a mistake.  I felt like God wanted to speak about her identity. 

     “Do you know that you are a blessing?  Maybe your parents were surprised, but God was excited when you were born.  You have gifts and talents that can be used to bless others.  Let me prove it to you.  Who was it that comforted and hugged [my PCA girl]?”

     “I was,” with tears streaming in her eyes.  We then prayed that she would give her life to God, repented of the mind games, trust Him to have control, and to stand in her identity. 

    

     Many things happened this last week of Indian Youth Camp.  Many years, there are moments when it was very visibly evident that the Holy Spirit was moving, people were not only getting prayed for, but encounters were happening.  This year, from the very first night (at least in the youth services), students were given words of truth.  Things were stated that would impact their overall being, if the teens would just take hold of what was being said, and bring it home with them.  Pastor John Weasel mentioned one night that every year, we come crying, and discussing the same hardships we brought the year before.  He challenged that we cannot live for a transactional relationship with Jesus; rather, transformational.  One where what happens at camp actually has a lasting impact on the lives of those who come, their communities, and when returning, would be able to share testimonies and laugh about what God has done. 

       Thinking upon IYC 2017, I am thankful that God encountered so many of our teens.  It’s humbling to know that He’s willing to use shy-old-me (actively praying with people is actually a relatively new thing for me) to share what He wanted said with these girls.   He used my personality and giftings, and I didn’t have to try to be someone else to try to reach them.  He knows that one-one-one is the best way I can get through to kids, and He used that.  As a teacher, I started using some classroom management to strategize keeping some of the nightly distractions down (seriously, I yelled at them and started counting like I did with the preschoolers I taught last semester, but it worked…).  He gave me ideas of how to modify the devotions to better fit their understanding and keep their attention. 

     Furthermore, I also had to remind myself that the transformation of a transformational relationship isn’t solely dependent on me.  That was what I was struggling with Thursday morning, as I became acutely aware that the week was drawing to a close.  I needed to realize that I stepped up when God prompted me to do so, be grateful for those personal conversations, but also let God do the work.  After all, Indian Youth Camp is only four days, and these teens have another full year before they come back again. 

     Camp is great, but the real work is going to happen while they are at home.  The test of the longevity of their faith will be formatted as they live their lives in their communities.  I pray that the work that happened at camp wasn’t merely a fun event; rather, I hope it was a stepping stone.  Events are merely great memories, but the deep impact is forgotten.  Stepping stones create an ongoing trail  as long as one continues to place stones in a certain direction.  In this case, following after Christ in all areas of their lives.  Perhaps, next year, there will be more testimonies, and a lot more laughter. 

     I hope and pray so.

The Weighted Beauty in the Wait of Pruning

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens...He has made everything beautiful in its time." - Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11a

The hands of my mind
Gripped the matters
Of my circumstance,
Coveting the control I lack.
What should be
Is not
Manifesting into the reality 
I hoped it would be.

I awake in the morning
Confident and expectant
That the fruit of Your Spirit
Will make its impact.
Nevertheless, by nightfall,
Any surety of
Your blessing revealed
Is dashed.

Why, when I come,
Does the wind of chaos appear?
What is the fault,
Once hidden within me,
Seemingly illuminate in the midst
Of my calling?  Isn't this the place
Of my purpose; why then
Where I should thrive, I fall?

A slick, slimy, leather hand
Caressed tightly
Around my throat, cutting off
The windpipe to my heart.
Confusion continued to stir in my mind
As I assumed the evidence apparent
Deemed by the outcome
Of the immediate day.

There is more to this ruckus
Than what meets the eye.
Nevertheless, I became short-sighted
And True Reason's voice
Deafened within my soul.
The Mirror could not remind
Who I am.  I sank and sulked.  
In Your rest, I no longer made my bed.

Oh!  How I have forgotten You!
Oh!  How I failed to run to You
In faith!  "Though storms may come,
Still I will hold fast!"
At least, I hoped that would be so.
Yet, I remained confident
In my strength, but my weakness
Proved me crumbling.

Surrender my all?
I thought I had.
But in the presence of pressure
I secretly longed
For the sovereignty You possess.
My mind under duress
My spirit brittled with doubt
As I attempted claim to Your throne.

Dear soul,
Surrender my will;
Remember the One who created
Never slumbers nor sleeps.
Remember the futility of my ability
Without His breath.
Release my grip and trust 
In the One named Yahweh.

Dear God, One who I call
Father; may I lean into You
As I would with a daddy.
You hold everything in Your hands
Even when all my plans fall apart.
Though Your intentions seem unseen,
My lack of understanding births frustration,
You are still explicitly Lord.

This rose still breeds thorns,
And this garden, greatly seeded,
Finds thistles in the midst of its fruit.
Prune my heart, God, in this season.
Purpose the pain and the tears.
The weight of Your wonder found 
In the waiting of the beauty
You bloom in time.

#JesusPlus

"People pleasing  is where you search for people to say something about you that God has already said." - Matt Daniels


"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one can come to the Father, except through me.'" - John 14:6


Tell me to look in the mirror;
I will tell You
I don't see what You see.

Outwardly, I praise Your Name
Who is Lord of all creation.
Inwardly, I worship,
Yet, inwardly I wonder...
Physically left un-affirmed,
My mistakes magnified,
Inwardly, I am left doubting
My sufficiency.

The definition of my identity skewed.
Absence of words and affection
Spoken in the flesh
Leave me believing I am forgotten
By all, I just wanted 
To be
Good enough.  Society's mark
Pegged on this mirror titled, "me".
Not only to fit the bill:
Expected perfection in every way,
Failures fantastically scrutinized...

Honest reflection proves me faulty
With many voices uttering determination.
I am left broken,
Wavering in who I truly am.
Sufficiency of myself proves stumbling.
Every effort performed, this culture
Remains dead and void.
What more sacrifice can I bring

On this altar of affirmation
Paying the debt of my definition
For a sufficient constant in my life?

Why, when a Lamb
Already slain for my pain and sin,
Am I compelled to add my fruit?
Why, when the Creator
Already adopted me as His child,
Am I convinced to claim my orphaning?
Why, when the whole world
Continues singing of His glory,
Am I quickly believing I am alone?
Why, when I have been forgiven,
Am I forgetful of His grace?

Jesus plus something
Equals nothing.
Jesus plus nothing
Equals everything.

God, renew my entire being
That I may be complete
In and of You.  Remind me
Before I knew You, You already loved me.
You called my name, and declared,
"I am your home."
Forgive me when my mind sways.
Pursue me until I am infinitely Yours.
Deafened to all other voices,
Blinded to all who I was supposed to be,
May I completely abide in You.

Tell me to look in the mirror:
Jesus is the Way to my definition
Your words are the Truth of my affirmation
You are the Life of my sufficiency.
Amen.