Beauty on the Rez: A Reflection on Addressing Stereotypes and Changing Mindsets

     I’m sitting here wanting to write what’s on my heart, but so many emotions are riddling my mind that I had not yet put to paper what I have needed to say, until now.  I admit that in a love for my people makes me protective to the point that I am prone to hate those who hate.  So how do I educate, speak on my community’s behalf without vengeance seething within me?  Prayerfully.  Patiently.  Recognizing where I can easily try to right things by making a wrong move (or statement), and yet, giving my heart and its cries to God. 

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     When people inquire what it’s like to live on the Rez aka an Indian Reservation, they often ask questions such as, “So, is there alcoholism?  Are drugs an issue?  Is your community impoverished?  Do people gamble?”  I don’t get questions like, “Do they still live in teepees?”  Most people seem to understand that we all live in the 21^st century.  I was asked that only once…apparently, they were trying to be humorous.  (Yeah, not funny.)  But back to the original questions.

     Ever since living on the Rez – which will be four years as of this August – I have known what the stereotype is of First Nations people, but I am asked in such a way that only confirms what ideas people already have in their heads.  Because truth is, yes.  Poverty is prevalent; both alcoholism and drugs are social concerns.  Yes, we have a casino.  People are afraid to stay in Browning.  They mark it as “dangerous”.  And yet…this is my home, and this is my community.  I really don’t know how to answer these questions.  I try to do so politely, and yet honestly.  However, truthfully, because of the implication and intention of the question, I believe that the whole truth isn’t given room to be shared.  I guess this blog is my way of doing that. 

     If I could say what really goes on in my head when I have these stereotypical questions asked, a lot more would be said than just to suit outsiders’ minds.  First and foremost, I would reply with my own question: “Doesn’t your town have the same issues, though?”  Because if anyone wants to point out the alcoholism – point at my (biological) family first.  I, a white person, know that there has been a generational curse of addictions.  My dad was an alcoholic for 30 years before giving his life to the Lord and giving it up.  He has been 22 years sober.  Drugs?  Missoula – my hometown – not Browning, is the meth capital of Montana.  The opioid epidemic is an epidemic not only on reservations, but across the whole United States.  Casinos?  How many does Missoula, or any other city have?  More than one. 

     The irony of these questions is that they focus on ratio rather than the presence of…we call them social concerns, God calls it sin.  We pick certain cities, towns, areas, and groups of people with a higher ratio of a presence of sin, and then we think ourselves in the least blessed, at most better than the “others”.  We look at Las Vegas, Reno – call it “Sin City” and talk about how they need Jesus.  But what about us?

    Tell me if I am wrong.  I would love to be. 

    The reality of these concerns is that they can, and are, found in every state.  They aren’t just Rez issues.  They are all of man’s concern, because the roots have been laced throughout every tribe on this planet, and it is called sin.  Maybe the ratio isn’t the same.  I’ll give you that.  Your city might have great programs that support people fairly well.  However, in the paradox of these questions, I find it interesting that God isn’t really interested in ratios.

     We, as humans, like to determine someone’s goodness by how much good is in them.  Or vice versa.  They are bad, because they have done this much bad stuff.  But God doesn’t weigh sin.  He only asks if it is present.  In Isaiah 64:6 (AMPC), it says, “For we have all become like one who is unclean [ceremonially, like a leper], and all our righteousness (our best deeds of rightness and justice) is like filthy rags or a polluted garment; we all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away [far from God's favor, hurrying us toward destruction].”  When the woman was caught in adultery, He said for those without any sin could cast stones (John 8:1-7).  James tells us that if we are guilty of breaking one of God’s commandments, he or she is guilty of them all (James 2:10).

     Does sin, no matter where it is found need to be repented of?  Yes.  But is this the full story?  No.  There is a greater poverty than the physical stature of a home and an inability to provide for simple needs.  There is a greater wealth than how many zeroes can be written on a check.  The answer to both is whether or not one has Jesus in their lives. 

     Yes, there has been death.  But there is also life.  There has been destruction, but there is also restoration.  There has been brokenness, but there is also healing.  There has been heartache, but there is also joy.  There have been tears, but there is laughter.  There has been despair, but there is also hope.  There has been a grave, but there is also a Resurrection.  And so, as we wait for it’s fulfillment, we hold onto the glimpses of the beauty here on the Rez.

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          The Land.

     Just take the time to walk around the meadows and mountains, and it’s clear to see what a creative God we serve.  The flowers, grass, sky, and animals speak splendor and it’s so wonderful to be surrounded by it.  In my moments where I need to run away to find a personal refuge and hear God’s voice clearly, I immediately run to a meadow and walking trail by the high school.  To be surrounded by all that He has made, stripped of all the distractions, reminds me how God is so big to paint the vast sunsets, but is so delicate to fine-tune the details in the littlest flowers.  If He is able to carry so great the earth, and mold the smallest ant, can He not care for me.  There is a stillness and a rest when I sit in the midst of its beauty.  The land here reminds me the majesty of the God I serve.

          The Culture.

     “Oki, nistanikoo…”  When someone may say this, they are greeting you.  It had been shoved and covered; children were forced to leave their heritage behind, but it’s making a comeback.  God made each tribe with its own individual characteristics, and it’s remarkable to hear the language and to see other aspects of the culture, such as the dances still thriving.  We have an immersion school, so students can learn entirely in Blackfeet, up until the 8^th grade.  Not every student attend, but it’s a great step in encouraging kids to remember who they are, as a family, and as a people. Every year, we have pow-wows in which children on up to the elders dance a variety.   There is a beautiful history of how they lived and traveled long ago.  The artwork that many of the artists fashion shows such a wonderful attention to detail and a mix of traditional concepts (i.e. beading) mixed with a modern style.  Of course, there is always more for me to learn, but I enjoy learning it.  It has been a personal blessing to be able to photograph a people who are now rising out from ashes of years of abuse and are growing to learn to know what it means to be Blackfeet.  

          The People.

     When it really comes down to it, it’s the people I live among that make this one of the best places to live. I will drive home from work, and there are kids laughing, playing, and smiling…just as any kid would do.  Sometimes people will ride their horses around just for the fun of it, and it gives a home touch. The Rez dogs are seriously the most friendly you'll ever meet in the whole US. It’s in the hug of a friend.  It’s in the warmth of having a meal with loved ones (give me some of that frybread, any day…jokes).  It’s in the caring for a loved one, and the boldness to visit them when you know that they may be struggling or rushing over and calling first thing in the morning after hearing amazing news.  It’s in the ability to laugh at situations, and to teasingly show our affection (note to visitors: if you are being teased, that’s a good thing.  It means we see you as a friend.).  It’s in the respect we have for elders.   It’s being able to find family among friends, and to have each other’s back.  It’s in the perseverance in the face of hardships and helping a neighbor no matter the cost.  It’s in the understanding that we are all in this together, and we will walk together, as one. 

     What makes the Rez?  It’s the people.  They are such a gift.  I knew growing up, that I was going to go into missions one day, but I never thought I would be going to a reservation.  However, seeing what God is already doing, witnessing the seeds that are being planted, and hearing the visions that people are having…I would not change a thing.  Because, just as much as God loves me, He loves the Blackfeet too.  Just as He ran after me, Jesus died on the cross for me, He died for them too.  Just as I was made in the image of God, so were the Blackfeet. 

     I get to call God a father…I call Him Daddy.  I want the Blackfeet to know Him like this as well. For so long, the portrayal of Jesus has been harsh, ultimate, and abusive.  But God loves people.  Sin separated us from Him, but He didn’t want us to die with it, so Jesus took that punishment.  I want the Blackfeet (and any Native tribe or group in America and all over the world) to know that truth.  I want them to know that they don’t have to earn salvation.  In fact, they can’t.  No one can.  Salvation is a gift, given by Creator God.

     Yes, our community is not perfect.  Yes, we have our social plights, and the questions addressed at the beginning of this blog is just a hint.  There has been abuse.  There has been rejection.  There are wounds so deeply embedded that it has been taking years to just start discussing them in an effort to bring wholeness.  Sure, there may be a long way to go.  Much to be done, but God is already moving.  It’s small.  Almost seems insignificant.  But with every rain drop, a lake can start forming. 

     Grassroot efforts have produced a voice to raise awareness and to encourage the change we long to see.  The people heading it up are folks who have been firsthand touched by the death that seems to slither here, and yet, in their lives, God has given them the grace to stomp on that snake’s head and raise up above the status quo here.  I have friends who have been abused, and yet now, they have joy that is visible to any passerby.  I have friends who were abandoned, but found family in Christ.  I have friends who had fathers or mothers leave them, and yet, with God’s help, are becoming fantastic parents to their own kids.  I know former drug addicts and those who have been in prison now spearheading political steps to make the lives of their children and grandchildren be more abundant and full than what they were able to have.  We have Blackfeet and nonnative teachers side by side, pouring into children, telling them they have a purpose, that there is hope and there is possibility for their futures.  The cycles are starting to turn.

     God has already begun to change.  Generation by generation.  Family by family.  House to house.  Yes, it seems small now.  But it’s just the start.  No bill or federal mandate can reverse what sins have corrupted this land.  (Look back at the 1920s, legislating morality does NOT work.)  But we have been making a stance and walking; praying that God would take back this land, make this people His people, and His name to be glorified.  What’s so amazing about this beauty is knowing that God has worked in peoples’ lives already, and thus I know He can work in the rest of our community.  If you are struggling with anything, I know He can and will do something in your life. 

     God has never abandoned the Blackfeet.  He never failed them.  Yes, they went through hell, but He had never turned His back on them.  Rather, when Jesus was on the cross, the Blackfeet (as well as all tribes around the world) were on His mind, because He wanted a relationship with them.  And as more people come to know Him, the wounds that were seeded over 200 years ago can start healing, and the renewing of the persons are forming.  So, we will keep walking and praying until the fruition comes.  There is a vision we have for these sleeping giants – and that is they would WAKE.  We continue to run with it, in hope, that the promise may not tarry (Habakkuk 2:2-3).

"The Christ Bundle, i.e. Salvation"

     Another year of IYC has come and gone, and one of the things that I have subsequently been chewing on is how to address another aspect of Native traditionalism.  Again, I don’t attempt to dissuade culture of another group of people, however, as a Christian, I believe and know that any way to get to God outside of Christ is futile.  When I listen to how a traditionalist shares their belief, I am already thinking, “How might I share Christ?”  At IYC, it so happened that one of my cabin girls admitted that she believes more in the traditional ways than in Jesus.  She then started sharing about the medicine bundles, the reverence due them, as well as the purpose. 

     My brainstorming was already stirring.  When I got home, I went into studying the Scriptures and making comparisons between medicine bundles and that of Jesus Christ.  This time around, there is no story to write, but rather an understanding of the bundles (to the extent I know…I will admit that I may have to study more to gain a more comprehensive ground, but this is a start), and see where the power in the bundles may fall short, and where Jesus actually fulfills the purpose of them. 

     Some people may think what I am attempting to do is incredible or incredibly stupid.  How can a Christian explain the Gospel by using the already existing traditions of a tribal people?  Or the other extreme – how dare I attempt to say that traditionalism isn’t enough for Natives?  Aren’t I just forcing my own beliefs on another group of people?  These are legitimate questions, and I believe that I have an answer. 

     First and foremost, I believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven, and furthermore, to God.  God is holy, and as all of us are ready to admit, are not perfect.  Truth is, we all have sinned; missed the mark and have disobeyed God.  Thus, we needed saving.  We cannot get away from the reality that our own actions are not good enough, because even one spot in the face of a Holy and Mighty God is not reverent enough.  Thankfully, He is also a loving God, and sent Jesus to take our place and now, a faith in Him is all that is required to approach God.

     Now, on the aspect of forcing my beliefs on another group of people…If one were to go into the way back traditions of Europeans, one would find that there was a lot of paganism and other weird traditionalism going on.  We don’t remember now, because the Western world has been dominated by science and proving of theories and beliefs for the last 400 years.  (So much for Christianity being a “white man’s religion”.)  There is no culture, by nature, that is atheistic.  Even the Western world believed in a higher power before it ran off to its Scientific Revolution.  Nevertheless, I believe that God revealed components of Himself, and a need for Him to all cultures of the world.  We have ceremonies, bundles, rituals, etc…in order to reach God.  However, in our own efforts, it is still not yet good enough.  Back to the original point, we still need a Savior to do the work for us.  Since then, missionaries have found ways of sharing the Gospel with tying familiarity of culture to the Truth of Jesus.

     I read it in a book called Peace Child, which took place in the 1970s.  But even the apostle Paul did it.  In Acts 17:22-34, he came upon the Greeks and all their temples and idols.  Then he found that they had an altar to an “Unknown God” and shared how that the Unknown God was known; His name is Jesus and is Lord over anything else that was worshipped.  In the same manner, I hope to approach studying Native traditionalism, in an effort to share Christ with them. God is already at work on the Rez, but I can’t help but remember that Jesus wants all people to come to know Him, even those who are holding onto traditional beliefs.  As stated before, I may still need more studying, but for now, this is what I have on the medicine bundles of the Blackfeet, and how it compares/contrast with Jesus.

Blackfeet Medicine Bundles	Christ Bundle; i.e. Salvation
To carry a medicine bundle, it is a life or death decision.  One does not bring it into their home flippantly or on a whim.  There is a cherishing and a reverence for the bundle, and to take it may mean one has to change their life-style.	(Similarity) Jesus wants all of us; not some of us.  We don’t claim to be Christians and then walk out, living in sin.  When it comes to obeying Christ, we take up our cross daily to follow Him. (Mark 8:34-37)
One takes the bundle as a whole.  Do not take it apart and keep some of it.  In reverence, you take all of it.	(Similarity) Christ is not an adage to our lives.  We don’t keep the parts that we like, and then throw out the parts that we don’t like.  Often, we like the idea of being saved from hell, but we can balk at having Him transform our lives.  This should not be.  We take Jesus fully. (Romans 6:1-14)
The bundle is meant to be passed on (i.e. when a holy man is about to pass away, he must find someone to carry it for the next generation).	(Slight similarity)  The Christ Bundle is not meant to be taken in, and then never shared with others.  The news of Jesus’ salvation is meant to be passed on!  This is so that all people may come to know Christ as their Savior, adopted as children, and transformed into His likeness.  (2 Corinthians 5:18-20)
Bundles are carrying the power of creation (i.e. animals, ex: beaver bundle, owl bundle, buffalo bundle).	(Difference) According to Romans 1:22-23, 25, we don’t need to look to the power of creation, but rather, we should be looking to the power of the Creator.  Moreover, this power isn’t just the power of Someone, but rather is that Someone coming to live inside of us (i.e. the Christ Bundle is a Person).  How amazing is it that our Creator came in the form of man and died for us that we might be saved!  (John 1:1-14)
The bundle carries a power to heal and brings peace to the home.	(Slight similarity…but extension) When we accept Jesus into our hearts, He makes us new, brings healing to our whole being.  (2 Corinthians 5:17)   Again, there is an emphasis that the Christ Bundle carries a greater power than what other bundles could carry, because it is power straight from the Creator God Himself.
The bundle chooses a specific holy person to carry it.  They will carry it into their home as long as they live.	(Difference) Jesus’ salvation is for everyone who will believe and receive it.  All those who take up the Christ Bundle are God’s children and part of a royal priesthood.  (1 Peter 2:9-10)
The bundle chooses a holy person.	(Difference) Whereas the Blackfeet bundles wait for someone to be holy before receiving it, Jesus on the cross has already done that work for us.  The Christ Bundle does not wait for us to become holy, but rather, invites us to take Him, as we already are.  Then the Bundle has full reign to do its work in us and make us more like Christ.  (Romans 5:6-11; 17-20)
One house carries the bundle at a time.	(Difference…extension) Many can be saved simultaneously. I can share the good news of the Christ Bundle (salvation), and while He is in my heart, they are able to take Him into their hearts.  The Christ Bundle surpasses the boundaries of homes, people, nations, and even generations.
One must be careful to not disturb the bundle (cannot be fooling around and not living a holy life and doing wrong things).  If wrong things are being done, it can only give back what it is given.	[Extension] (Slight similarity)  It is true that while the Holy Spirit (Creator who lives inside of us when we take in the Christ Bundle) is in us, we do not want to sin.  If we sin willingly, we are on dangerous grounds (Hebrews 10:26-39), because we are not revering who God is, and letting Him transform us.  We are then trying to live as we want and pushing the Christ Bundle in a corner of the houses of our hearts.  This simply won’t do.  When we live a sinful life, we push God out (Romans 1:24-25).  God is a giver of good gifts (James 1:16-17), but if we want sin, God will allow us to have it, and the consequences we bear are the ones we brought on ourselves. (Difference)  However, the Holy Spirit is a power greater than any other.  Jesus Himself conquered the grave and disturbed hell.  Thus, if life happens, and you have someone enter your home who is sinning; if you see things that aren’t right going on in your community, we don’t have to be fearful that the Christ Bundle is going to be disturbed and give it all back.  Stand firm in Christ.  This bundle is so powerful that when He encounters sin, He convicts and impacts it with His life (if only we just allow Him to do it)!  He has the force and power to change the circumstances, rather than be riddled by any demonic forces.  So, if the Holy Spirit tells you to go into situations that are nasty (on a spiritual level), GO! because the Christ Bundle is about to do its work!  (1 John 5:1-5)

    

"Enough is Enough (I am His!)"

     This poem was written back in 2013.  However, as I was cleaning my apartment, I came upon an envelope filled with notecards, and this poem, stating prayer requests I had five years ago.  Not all have been answered (yet), but it is amazing to see how much God has been working through my life, nonetheless.  This poem, for instance, was written in a time when I knew that my identity was supposed to be grounded in Christ, but all the other voices kept shouting at me.  Five years later, and there will be moments when I am tempted to believe the lies of the enemy, however, I am quicker to run to Jesus and remind myself of the truth.  Here is the poem, in case it needs to be shared, at some point.

References: Romans 8:11, 15-17, 28-31; Ephesians 1:3-11; Isaiah 62:3-5; 2 Timothy 2:21; 2 Corinthians 5:17-21

I am tired of standing in front of the mirror
Measuring perpendicular and finding faults in myself.
I am weary from running to my room with tears
Streaming down my cheeks; I keep the matter close.
My secret: "There is nothing about me I could boast."

I try and fail.  I try and fail.
It seems like I want to make everyone happy,
But...I don't make the cut.

This is where I am going wrong.
Every day I do something to be nagged.
Every day, my being has something to lack.
I want to please people-I won't lie.
I would rather not have enemies.

But it's taking its toll.
I race to the left to show off my "stars",
Yet knowing that at the right, I must impress again.

I am fed up with believing lies
Daily spoken in my ears.
If only I could just cup my hands
Over my thoughts.  Then maybe I could run
Away from the discouragement.  It needs to be done.

How long am I going to wade it out
Before I say enough is enough?
How long before I finally stand strong on my Rock?

I read His Word and it speaks life,
But soon enough the devil speaks
Death and I am so quick to believe.
What is wrong with this picture?
Don't I know who I am?

If I know that the enemy lies,
Why buy into his deception?
Promises have been proclaimed over me.

It is now time to own my heritage!

Today is the day I look into the mirror
And understand who I truly am.
The wolf has no more permission
To converse with me.  I am shutting the door.
The windows are boarded.  I say, "No more!"

Today, I put a stop to your blabbering
That has caused so much hurt and pain.
Though you've whispered that I'm worthless.
I had enough of you.

Enough is enough!

Enough of you trying to cheat me 
Out of my treasure.
God has already declared me a pleasure.
Enough of you holding me back;
I am letting God do what He wills.

For it was before the first day of time
Did my God see my face.
And even in the end, I will still be in His hands.

God does not let go.
Nor will He ever stop pursuing His beloved.
And devil:  I am His beloved!
He chased after me and captured
Me, no longer my heart will you batter.

Because I am a woman of worth.
I am a beauty who is purposed.
Your greatest curse is defeated by heaven's smallest blessing!

So, shut up, Satan!
I am tired of your filthy lies.
They will diminish as you die.
For you have been defeated - 
Christ has already won the war!

I will stand on the destiny God has declared.
I will be His desire, running after my Daddy's heart.
I hold in my hand His grace, mercy and favor.

I will let You, Jesus,
Take hold of the pain that resides in me
And heal it...help me to forgive it.
Jesus, I will let You take hold of my resentment
And teach me to forget my temperament.  

I am not willing to pass down these hurts
To future generations.  You bless and are a blessing.
I grasp onto Your truths so tightly...

And I will not let go.

Enough is enough.
I will remember what You have called me
And called me to be.  I will declare Your freedom
Over me...over others.

When the days roll in where I start believing
I am nothing,
And the tears start pouring, remind me that I am stunning
In Your eyes.
Speak Your life when death is all around.

For he is cunning, and has trapped me
Many times in my life.  I ask You, Lord
To whisper louder and cover me with Your wings.

I am not going to cower in a corner.
And though I have pitied myself,
A spark has been lit, a button pushed too often.

Anger is growing inside.
For how dare the enemy speak against me?
Doesn't he realize that I have been justified?
Who can stand against me?  Doesn't he know 
That he cannot stand against God as a foe?

Devil - do you not comprehend that as God's creation,
I am priceless?  Boy, you have undervalued
A masterpiece of heaven!  Your words that have caused so much hurt
Are ready to fail
And burn.
Because I am going to look in the reflection
And know who I truly am, who I belong to.
I am God's, and you have nothing on me.

I once was enslaved and broken,
But now my chains are cut and I am whole.
I was depressed, but I met the Comforter.
I was dead, but I met the Resurrector.
Lost in pain, but I met the Healer.

So, Satan - I am His!
Stop toying with me!
Stop screwing with me!
I know who I am;
My identity is founded on the cross.

Don't say another word.

I am the daughter to the Most High.
I am the branch to the Vine.
I am the forgiven with the Prodigal Father.
I am nothing; I admit it.
But Christ's blood redeemed me through grace,
And now I am so much more.

I am anointed - purposed and with a calling.
A minister to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus' love,
A royal priest and worship leader who praises the Creator
And gives Him glory.
A prophet to declare God's Word to His people.

I have been adopted,
Not because I chose God, but because He chose me.
I am a created "tour de force", beautiful.
Clay purposed as a vessel by the Potter.
Now a life with meaning.

I am not the Great I AM.
I will not dare claim that.
But I certainly belong to Him.

Do not touch me.

Or else...  

Until You Say, "Yes"

Why can't it be now?
My stomach bubbles in excitement.  
I wish it could be now...
To see his smile, to hear his voice.
Could it, please, be now,
And yet, You say, "No".

It's not for today.
It's not for tonight.
It is for another dawn,

So God, help me to wait. 
Make me steadfast,
To hold onto Your promises
Until You say it's time...
It's time to say, "Yes."

My joy would overflow,
If it was now.
Yet my happiness can't depend -
Not now, or ever -
On a man.
How do I reconcile this longing
When the blessing is for another hour?

Let's be honest here.

If I was able to hold his hand,
I may forget to hold Yours.
If I was allowed to kiss his lips,
I would fail to talk to You,
Face to face.  Now I see
Why I must wait...
Before he can steal my gaze,
You first must be loved in my soul.

This promise will come.
It's not now, but it's not never.
Patiently steadfast,
Eyes fixed on You, now and forever
Until and when You say
It's time to say, "Yes", Jesus.

The Battle After the Victory

     

     Ironic, isn’t it?  I accomplished an amazing personal goal, and yet, the moment I came home, I started battling again.  Only this time, it wasn’t tests of brute strength, but of a mental enduring caliber.  I could even feel it creepy on the way home. 

     I overreacted at work.  Later, I felt like I pushed a friend away, and thus, in both situations, I despised myself for not being what I should be.  Or what I think I should be.  Moreover, I became repulsed at the matter that I DO know better, and yet, I wasn’t reflecting that knowledge.  I could feel the hatred turn into anxiousness and depression as I internally felt panicked in situations, overly self-reflective, and was even tempted to call in sick from work.  Even on the day of our class field trip.  I was so tempted to wallow that I was willing to miss an amazing day with my students.  I didn’t want to go anywhere.  I just wanted to hide and disappear.  At least until I fixed everything.  On the good end, I forced myself to go to work, even when I mentally didn’t want to.  Furthermore, the issues that I had this week have been dealt with and forgiven.  Now, I am left with this battle after the victory.  Why do I continue to have to go through them, and how can the fight I went through bring growth, rather than scarring?

     At least since I was in high school, I struggled with anxiousness and depression.  Self-harm was a fun accompaniment too.  (Just kidding.)  The worst part was that I knew God, and even would speak encouragement to friends and family, and yet be at war within myself, against myself.  I am almost 28 years old, and I still find myself becoming overly anxious.  WHAT…THE…HECK…is the deal!?  And so, I get on myself for seeing what I am called to be, and failing, according to that standard.  For knowing what I can be, and yet, not being that.

     As the week progressed, I wondered if I was the only Christian who has been in my position.  Who, in the Bible (cause, we all know that seeing some of the screwballs in the Bible can provide the greatest encouragement to use in our own screwups) dealt with depression?

     Elijah.  The prophet who grabbed Baal by the balls and prayed down fire and spat in the devil’s face easily became depressed.  Seriously… and even within after a victory, he was pity-partying inside a cave (see 1 Kings ch. 18-19).  Elijah had just executed the prophets of Baal, but at the word of the king running to Jezreel (where the queen sat), he decided to make his home in a cave.  An Angel asked him what he was doing, and Elijah’s reply was, “Lord, take my life, I am no better than the others (19:4)!  I have been zealous for the Lord God of hosts…I alone am left, and they seek to take my life (19:10).”  God’s response?  He took him to a mountainside and showed a great wind, earthquake, and fire…yet, nothing was there.  However, after the fire, there was a still small voice.  And it told him to go back.  It also encouraged him that he was not alone, as there was a reserve of Israelites who stayed faithful to God. 

     I am not the only one.  It is some encouragement.  And yet, it isn’t where I want to stay.  But this is a battle…or perhaps it is a war for me…that I keep fighting.  I wish I could be done with it by now.  I wish I no longer had to need help in this area.  I wish I wasn’t struggling anymore. 

     Paul…and his thorn in the flesh.  If there was one disciple that I would see had gotten it right, it would’ve been him.  And yet, he is the one who said that he sometimes did the bad he ought not to and failed to do the good he ought (see Romans 7:19-20).  Furthermore, he took an interesting perspective of this thorn.  It was uncomfortable in the least, painful at the most.  Yet, he said,

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelation, a thorn in the                    flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.                Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might be taken from me.                  And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in              weakness.”  Therefore most gladly I would rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of                Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in              persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2                        Corinthians 12:7-10).

     I wish I could be done with this war called “Depression”.  And yes, there is a part of my faith, I believe in complete restoration and deliverance of strongholds of the devil.  However, it is as if -even if I come up against it and don’t gravel – it is still being presented.  If only we could just stop having these fights…but the Christian walk is not the absence of struggle.  Adversely, it usually means the presence of struggles, because ever since the day we said, “Yes” to Jesus, the devil had a mark on our heads. 

     And Paul is thankful for his struggles?  For that thorn in the flesh?  Yes.  Because its presence means that he still is dependent on God to get him through whatever life may bring.  I wonder…if I no longer was in need for anything…if I already arrived at the point that I mean to be, would I feel the compulsion to go to God in my life, anymore?  If I am no longer in need, would I then need God?  Of course, I am human, but I could easily be tempted to think that I have this under control, thus, I wouldn’t ask for help from the One that I should be pulling my strength from in the first place. 

     I always read 2 Corinthians 12:9 as an encouragement that God would bring my strength, with the hope and perspective that God will somehow finite the struggle and there would be at some point in my life I would be done with it already.  However, this is the first time, I read that verse in its context.  And Paul isn’t saying that he somehow arrives to the solution and never struggles again.  Rather, he says that the thorn was left – even after asking God to take it away! – so that he may not be exalted above measure (i.e. pride) and continues to be dependent on God. 

     Is it possible (I don’t say that God is the author of this depression, for He indeed is a good father, and not abusive) that He may allow the battles, because He knows it is in those moments that I will learn to depend upon Him with greater resolve?  During  the uncomfortableness and pain, God is using what was meant to harm me to actually grow me.  I am reminded of people going into surgery.  Taking a knife to the body will cause damage, and yet, in its cutting the flesh, it opens a way for healing to come to the individual.  God is not the author of pain, but what pain comes, He can direct its direction so that it may bring restoration rather than harm. 

     So, what is my resolve?  I continue to get up.  I learn that it is good to be in need for God and allow myself to feel my need for Him.  And when that pain comes…RUN TO HIM.  A couple months ago, I asked God to teach me how to be in need.  And now I am finding that He is highlighting areas in my life in which I still try to keep control, haven’t given it over to God, where I still believe lies of the enemy, or I continue to hold onto things that He is wanting me to let go.  He is answering my prayer, but it has been painful.  But it is a pain by which it will prune and grow me.  That is the hope I hold onto. 

v   

“I Need You”

We talk of grace – how overwhelming it is,

So, then why when the doors close,

I sink into the mud of despair?

I know the truth, yet I

Struggle to walk it out.

Speaking words of faith, but believing

Something totally different.

I need You more than the breath I breathe.

I need You more than songs can sing.

I need You more than any love

I could ever get.  I need You!

I’ve been broken and bruised,

I’ve been jaded and confused.

Set my eyes on You, Jesus.

I’ve been cut and ashamed,

I’ve learned to hate

The me I see,

Renew my mind, Lord!

I need You more than the breath I breath.

I need You more than songs can sing.

I need You more than any love

I could ever get.  I need You!

This thorn in my flesh

Meant to drive a wedge

Will become the persuasion

To run to the Holy of Holies.

Forgiven, not forsaken;

Your grace immeasurably

Envelops me if I could just rest. 

No matter the times I fall,

Or the amount of blows…

Count the times I have been shot down –

I will get up.

I will not give up.

For, if I look back and see how far I’ve come,

How can I turn away?

    

            

"Teach Me How to be in Need"

     It's been a hint most of my teen and adult life.  I not only struggled with self-esteem, but rather a pride.  I like being strong, and yes, part of it stems from the physical challenges I faced, due to living with cerebral palsy.  However, something transferred to the rest of my logical senses, in which I learned to never voice concern or my thoughts when I have a need.  If by chance, I did so, it is because the person I let in to see a weakness is one of few who get to see that. One is HIGHLY trusted, if they see me at my weakest, because I don't like to let on. I never liked being weak.  And to some extent, I was taught that to ask for help was a bad thing.  Never taught directly; it was more of passive learning.  But the lesson was drilled and rooted, nonetheless.  It has caused complications, however.  I can become isolated,  because I don't want to burden someone with what I am thinking.  Either too much, too heavy or too weighty.  I refrain from asking for practical help, because I don't know how to ask for assistance from people I don't know.  Frankly, I don't want to bother them.  Lastly, I will hold my tongue when I have a personal care, because I don't want to cause friction.  And in my past, there were moments that when I brought up my thoughts on a topic, and it was already determined that I was wrong.  The women in my family also dealt with this similar belief.  I know that it's a lie.  And I want it to be broken.  I know that if I deny having needs, or acknowledge them, but do not seek assistance, I am left to supply for my needs on my own...when I know I cannot.

I have been told to never be in need.

To ask for assistance is to show weakness…

And I wouldn’t want that, would I?

No, not defined by the formation of my hand,

But rather the uncomfortableness

Of vulnerability’s kiss

Means I must risk the gift of grace…

Or the threat of its rejection.

I was informed that I must remain strong.

I have been warned to never be a burden.

Hands and voices crying for help is an

Annoyance that one should not bear.

To bring an alternative perspective

Is to be argumentative;

To be in disagreement is to be disobedient.

I have learned to keep my trap shut

In order to keep the peace

In an effort to please the ones I love. 

I have learned to roar in the name of the needs

Of others, but to speak for myself, I dare not.

I wish to but I refrain, because I fear

When I utter the inward cry,

I will be rebuked…turned away…forgotten.

So, in the hours where I need to feel weak,

That a Savior may come to my rescue,

I create a shell of visible strength

To cover the shameful hurt

I want no one to know.

I know that it’s pride choking me;

I know these are lies, but they penetrate

My mind to the point they appear as truths.

Frankly, the fire of vulnerability

Burns more until You have refined me, Lord.

I am tired of being strong.

I am tired of holding the perfect stance

In order to carry all those around me,

But refuse for Another to carry me simultaneously.

I am tired of not letting tears flow freely,

Because they are not accepted in the eyes of society.

I know I am in need, and I am weak.

O God, I need You to be my strength.

Teach me how to be in need,

Even when the world shakes their head.

Help me to surrender it all,

Though others stare, shame and scold.

Teach me how to be weak that You may hold me.

Teach me how to be in need

And to be okay with it…

I am not a burden.

I am loved. I am cherished.

I am in the palm of Your hand;

You delight when You see my face.

Here I am…in all my flaws, needs and weakness.

Nothing compares to be seated

In the presence of Your glory.