I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for the sins I hide.
I'm sorry for the things I've justified.
Please forgive me,
And breathe in me anew.

The Man with the Cut-Off Nose

      Long ago, there was a chief whose son was a great warrior.  He fought in many battles, and saved his people from many hardships and oppressors.  The time came when the warrior was to be married.  He was looking for the perfect bride.  Beautiful women presented themselves and hoped he would choose them.  But the warrior’s eyes only would look at one.  He decided to choose her.  She wasn’t beautiful.  She bore scars not on her skin, but on her soul.     The elders heard from the chief who was to be picked as the warrior’s bride.  In response, they denounced the choice.  “What kind of bride is this for the chief’s son?! She isn’t worth being his!”  She was a woman known to be unfaithful.  She was violent and a liar.  She was a thief.  For the chief’s son to choose this one of all the women in the village was absurd and dishonoring.      The chief assured them that this woman had decided to change her ways.  She was no longer who she used to be.  Her character was upright, and she would be the warrior’s bride.  Whether the elders would join in the feasting was left to their decision, but the chief hoped that they would reconsider their dread.  Soon after, the warrior married the woman.     For a little while, the woman proved to be as righteous as the chief made it known.  She was faithful to the warrior, and kept her house well.  Yet, the coyote still whispered to her while she slept.  He told the woman, “I know you long to be loved.  But there is more that can care for you.”  She kept the coyote’s words hidden, but in time, she wandered once again, abandoning her husband.  One night, she was found to possess items belonging to various people in the village.     The elders brought the woman before the chief.  “We knew she was no good for your son!”  Then they turned toward the woman.  “You were chosen to be the wife of the chief’s son!  He is the greatest warrior, and the most upright.  How dare you be unfaithful?”  The woman did not deny the words.  The elders held onto the woman’s arms for her sentencing*, but the warrior arose.  With tears in his eyes, he said he would take her punishment.  In turn, he would also go into the wilderness for three days and present himself to Creator for forgiveness.     The great and righteous warrior’s nose was cut off.  Without a word, he then left the village to plead his case with Creator.  Within the three days, the warrior and his bride returned home.  Apologetic for her failings, she decided to be faithful and she pledged her vows again to her husband. She returned what was stolen. The warrior was scarred, but smiled as his bride was with him, again.     All was well in their home, but the village would not forget her wrong.  Women spoke quietly, and warned their children to not go near the warrior’s bride.  Men scowled, from a distance, in judgment.  The elders, knowing the ways to live a good life, were quick to remind the woman that she should have been the one to have her nose cut off.  This came to the warrior’s attention, and he became angry.     He asked the people, “Who has their nose cut-off?  Is it my bride or myself?  And if she does not carry the scar, then why would you condemn her for where there is no evidence of judgment against her?  And if my punishment was good enough to cover her wrongs, and I have forgiven her, then why do you hold onto her offenses?  Are you more righteous than she?  Has Creator given you mercy?  Then you should be merciful to whomever I choose to give mercy.” 

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     If you have lived long enough, you have been hurt by someone.  And if you are someone who grew up in the church (and even if you didn’t), chances are, you may have been hurt by someone who is a Christian.  To be hurt by a fellow believer can seem more painful than to be hurt by someone who doesn’t know Jesus.  As a Christian, they should know better.  The thing is, people are still people. There are misunderstandings and blindsides.   And Christians, in their humanity, unfortunately still fall.  I wish when we got saved, we never sinned again.  Sure would make things so much more simpler.  Alas, the process of salvation is a process and learning to walk after Christ is not completed overnight.
    This isn’t an excuse to let sin reign in us after accepting Jesus into our lives.  But, if a Christian has repented and has been forgiven, then who are we to hold their sin against them?  Jesus died for every sin, and that includes our own, but it also includes the ones who have offended us.  Can any of us charge anyone with a judgment when Jesus has forgiven them?  No.  We can’t, because in His forgiveness, He removes sin as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). 
    Wait!  But what if the person continues to offend on purpose, or when confronted, refrains from acknowledging, apologizing or mending their ways?  That is when the ministry of mercy is needed.  I wonder what kind of heartbreak it caused God to see His Son on the cross.  His only, righteous Son, dying for a depraved people.  His justice was righteous, but the punishment wasn’t fair.  If it were, the sinful would have died with their sin. 
    Mercy isn’t fair.  Which may be why forgiveness is so hard.  When we have been offended, we want justice, but not the reconciliation.  However, God desires reconciliation with justice.  That is why Jesus came.  Righting the wrong, but also redeeming the one who committed the wrong.  
    If we, ourselves, were not saved by works, then neither are other people.  Including the people who offended us.  Their righteousness in Jesus is not based on their efforts.  If we want to be forgiven, then when people have hurt us, we should forgive them (for if they understood they hurt us the way they did, they would want to repent and be forgiven).  It is amazing how quick we talk about living by grace, but when injured, we dive for judgment.  We may even say things like, “If they were a REAL Christian, they wouldn’t do that.” 
    But if we are holding someone’s sin against them, if we refuse to be merciful in our attitude, then how much of our interactions are living by sight compared to living by faith (2 Corinthians 5:7)?  As mentioned before, we are apt to still sin, in this present body.  And that includes us…the ones who have been offended.  Because just as much as we have been hurt, we have hurt others.  We all will give an account for ourselves at the end of time (2 Corinthians 5:10).  To refuse forgiveness is to say that my judgment is more right than God’s.  And yet, the power of Jesus’ sacrifice is that we aren’t regarded according to our flesh, but with His Spirit (2 Corinthians 5:16-17). If a Christian sins, it is evidence that we are still in this world.  We can still sin, but what amazing love it is that we can come to Christ and He forgives (see Romans 7 and 1 John 2:1-2).  This is great news for us!  But this promise of forgiveness is for everyone (“If anyone sins…” - 1 John 2:1).  If Christ doesn’t impute trespasses against His bride, then we cannot, either (2 Corinthians 5:19).  We cannot define someone by their sin if Jesus has redeemed them. 
    We wrestle with this, because in our black and white understandings, we think that we have to have justice manifested before we can be merciful.  But what if mercy is justice + reconciliation?  What if we trusted that God is taking care of the justice (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30), and all we had to worry about is the reconciliation?  This doesn’t mean that individuals who have hurtful habits should willy-nilly have free access to our lives.  If justice hasn’t been manifested (i.e. consequences, but more importantly, a repentant heart), it isn’t safe to let them in.  It is an enablement.  But someone who refrains from trusting in the salvation work that Jesus paid for will fail to be reconciled, because they will already lack the freedom that is found in grace.
      Mercy is an attitude.  Having a merciful spirit frees us to trust that God is continually at work in peoples’ hearts, including those who have hurt us.  It means trusting Him to do the just work, and we can focus on reconciliation.  We can pray for the ones who have sinned against us (that they can be free from deception, as well as blessing them); we can genuinely interact with them in a kind manner.  Finally, and most importantly, we can communicate the word of reconciliation (see 2 Corinthians 5:19-21), because we understand the forgiveness that Jesus gave us.  If Jesus had shown mercy to us, and His desire is to show mercy to those who have offended us (and have sinned against Him!), then shall we not be merciful, too?

*In many traditional societies, a person found guilty of adultery had their nose cut-off, as a form of a scarlet letter to let the entire village know what their crime was.

Abortion: Finding Real Solutions

   

Abortion.  It is a word that triggers many to take sides and get into heated arguments.  It is not a topic that seems to fall to the wayside without a battle first being fought.  The word itself demands a reaction and a response.  One must choose a side.  Those who support the action profess that abortion protects women’s reproductive rights and allows women to choose how to plan their lives at the timing that they determine best.  Legalizing the procedure protects women’s safety.  Other advocacies for abortion include lack of finances to support a family and in the case of rape.  However, as much as  the intention is meant to serve the woman in a greater span on family planning, abortion fails to serve as a probable solution for the needs for which it is claimed to serve. When it comes to serving a community’s needs, there is often a problem for discussion and a solution for which to meet that problem.  The goal is that the problem can be decreased and eventually ceased.  However, as abortion has legalized, the problems for which it serves still persist.  Furthermore, abortions have served to be an immediate response, but do not allocate for the long-term effects for which it means to minimize.  It has already been discussed in many ways the negative effects of abortion concerning physically, emotionally and mentally.  Detailed accounts can be found in the book Prolife Feminism (Derr, M. K., MacNair, R., & Naranjo-Huebl, L. (2005). Prolife feminism: Yesterday and Today. Feminism and Nonviolence Studies Association.).      I want to assure you that I do not mean to condemn anyone.  I understand that women who make this decision, do so, not necessarily because they want it, but they believe they need to in their specific situations.  Nevertheless, I must be honest in my belief that abortion is a sin, but it also does not help the people that clinics argue they mean to help.  In the process, I hope to suggest alternative solutions and advocate how they are indeed better options. 

     Arguments for abortions, rebuttals, and alternative solutions

1. Rape/incest: I have compassion on the woman who finds herself having been violated in the most vulnerable way.  No way, in shape or form, should she have been forced to perform against her will.  To know that this form of intrusion can and does happen in families describes the deepest sense of betrayal.  If a child, she is not ready to become a mother.  A woman may fear that the child may remind her of the trauma.  However, even if an abortion occurs, that girl or woman will be left with the memory.  Despite a fetus no longer present, dreams may turn into nightmares.  And an abortion can never remove those. As an alternate choice, use the funding that would be forwarded to abortion clinics to provide for free mental health and trauma counseling.  This will help with the actual trauma, rather than adding to it.

2. Out of financial risk: Some women have families.  Others may be starting out.  However, an unplanned pregnancy coming at a time when the finances are limited only exacerbate what anxieties may already be present.  I cannot deny that it would seem as an easy fix to just remove an extra stressor.   Humans predominantly deal with stress by removing the indicator.  And I know that a decision toward abortion would not be taken lightly; especially for a woman who is already a mother.  However, an alternative solution is modifying the welfare system.  Instead of income informing an all or none recipient decision, I would suggest that we do some form of a graduated system.  If a household increases their income $100, decrease the assistance by a certain percentage.  I am not an economist, but I believe this decision would reward and support individuals who are trying to improve their lives.

3. “It’s just not time”:  If you take the time to read Prolife Feminism, you will find an interesting note about what the early feminists argued as a means against abortion.  Many said that women should be in charge of their own family planning, instead of succumbing to the demands of men’s sex drives and thus providing to be pregnant over and over, beyond what their physical capabilities can sustain.  As I read this book, I found it ironic that the argument against abortion was subsequently the means for which to argue for it.  Of the three arguments, the third makes the majority of the abortions in America.  Whether it is a teen or a woman who wants to continue in her career choices, “It’s just not the right time” is the advocacy.  I understand that plans are made and life happens.  Often, I think that many people try their darndest to keep with those plans, no matter what.  However, this is the option that receives the most criticism from the pro-life community.  This being: if you choose to have sex, you carry the risk of getting pregnant.  Children sometimes result.  If it is not time or if someone feels ill-prepared, there are organizations that can help teach how to mother.  If that is not an option, adoption is also available.  I wish adoption was more affordable, but there are many couples who physically can’t have children, and are willing to care for a child.  (P.S.  I FULLY advocate that men should also take responsibility for when they are fathering a child.  No way should women be the taking the brunt when it takes two for a child to be produced.)

     When I took a feminism course in college, I asked about adoption as an alternative for abortion. The class became so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.  Then someone spoke, “You would subject a woman to care for a child for nine months and then expect her to give up that kid?!  Do you know what kind of emotional trauma that would result?”  I could have replied, “Well, I bet it would beat the emotional trauma of killing their child.”  I didn’t say anything.  I don’t think I would have won the argument, and I think all I would have done is just shut down doors and make things really heated.  Right or wrong, I chose to offer the choice and let others take their stance and thoughts. 
    Why couldn’t therapy be free for rape victims?  Why couldn’t the welfare system be modified to support families who are trying to work?  Why does adoption have to be such a dirty word?  Modern day adoption includes closed and open; so a mother can choose to be a part of their child’s life later on.  Other solutions can be made available - ones that address the actual need, and not add other trauma to the person.  But the fight is not over these other options.  The legal fight is over abortion, specifically.  As if, if abortion were to be made illegal, no other options could help women.  Nevertheless, this is not the case in reality.
    Abortion is a highly debated topic, because there is the question of the personage of the fetus.  One side advocates that the womb is holding a living being; another side charges that it is just cells, and therefore is just unwanted added tissue.  However, science has found that it is distinctly two separate beings present in a pregnant woman.  Moreover, they have found heartbeats and physical features forming at the earliest stages of development. 
    As for my personal stance, it is a child.  There is a being, which means there is a right to life, and therefore a right to live.  I hope you read that last sentence slowly.  I not only advocate for a baby to be born.  I also support the family who is also having the child.  From the girl being raped, to the woman who can’t pay bills or even a woman who found herself pregnant after a one-night stand…I am willing to participate in helping where needed.  And many Christians and other pro-lifers would say the same, if one were to ask them. 
    I know that many have heard the condemnation.  They hear “murderer” and feel they can’t come forward.  Even if they regret a previous abortion.  But may I let you in on a little secret?  Jesus warned that if any of us have hatred in our hearts, then we have committed murder.  So…can I judge a woman who has had an abortion?  No.  For in my heart, I have murdered.  But just like Jesus has worked in me to forgive, I believe that the approach to abortion can change.  Abortion needs not be the prominant solution to trauma or unplanned pregnancies.  I believe that as a nation and as communities, we can gather around women who are in unforeseen circumstances and help them.  Women can dream again, they can raise their families, finish school and have careers. 
    But as the old saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child.  So, let us no longer leave girls and women in positions where they have to take care of the problem they encounter, alone. After all, they are part of our community.  And coming from the pro-life community, I want to apologize for any times we have condemned women who have found themselves in accepting abortion, and disregarding the humanity of these women.  I can only imagine being in a place where death is seen as a hope.  And I wish that we could have surrounded you more warmly.

     I do not have a statement of how I survived an abortion.  I was a scandal baby (i.e. born out of wedlock), but my mother decided to have me.  No hesitation.  In fact, my parents were still shacking up when my mom found out about me.  We haven’t always gotten along.  High school sucked, since we fought daily.  But the moment I knew my mom loved me was when she told me (at age 22) that she still would have had me, even if my dad left.  I was a scandal, but I was a blessing.  I’m thankful for my life and can see God’s hand more and more at work when I reflect. 
    I do not mean to bring condemnation, but I hope I may stir conviction.  Children are worth having, no matter the circumstance.  I wish our nation (and as I write this, I am reminded that globally, women probably struggle with lack of rights and support more than American women) could have better social, emotional and economical supports for women.  But as with any problem, it is crucial to start looking for solutions.  Solutions that actually work.
   

Man Trouble

     

 There was a time I believed that God showed me my future husband.  I held onto this man (because I just so happened to have met him) expecting that he would want to go after Jesus like I did, and hoping that he would repent of the compromises he made in his life.  Thing is, he knew he would never deny the existence of God, but he didn’t want to have Jesus be Lord over his life.  As of last year, I finally let him go.  Not just ignore him and wait for God’s timing on when “my” man and I could finally be united.  I told God, “Maybe You really did show me my future husband.  And if it plays out as such, I will be grateful and delightfully surprised.  However, communicating with this man on the basis of what I hoped him to be is only a form of lust.  It is better and healthier to pray for ____, and if I date other men, genuinely interested and not from a perspective of what he can do for me…Even if I break up, if I learn how to have a healthy outlook on dating, that would be better.”  I let him go as my fulfillment as a wife.  He still comes to my mind, but I have learned to pray for him as a friend who genuinely cares about him and not for him to feel a void in my life.     I am a woman and still single.  And even though it seems like opportunities are increasing, I can’t help but notice that I also have carried since junior high (seriously!) certain expectations concerning relationships and how to go about them.   I have discussed how easy it is to blur lines when it comes to sexual purity, but what I am finding is the internal pressures on how to date.  You know…the first step in how to build a repore' with someone you’re interested in.      In the last couple of months, I have had two men from a small group present an interest in wanting to get to know me.  One offered a possibility of a dinner, but there hasn’t been any subsequent discussion.  Recently, a second man asked for coffee.  The previous Tuesday he mentioned that he liked talking with me.  Thing is, I don’t have an interest in either of these men.  I was polite in turning down the opportunities, and yet, I felt like I had to internally convince myself that it was okay to say no.  In the name of giving him a chance, I have been told to say yes.  “Even if it ends up just being a friend.”      Doesn’t it mislead a man if I say “yes” when I actually have no interest?  Must I justify my reasons?  Whether it be age or not being physically attracted or lack of knowing the person, do I have to go on that coffee date?  I wonder why this concerns me so, is because there is a part of me that is just rebellious in nature (i.e. tell me to do something, and I will do the opposite).  Or, I wonder if it bothers me, because in my codependent habits, if I differed with someone, it is somehow my fault.  And lastly, perhaps the most drastic of fear, I wonder if pushing women to take a man’s offer, despite personal (lack of) interest almost pervades into the rape culture we see in the United States.  (Telling women that they should say yes to a date can communicate that they should agree to other romantic gestures.  That is dangerous.  And perhaps I am just taking this to an extreme.  But as a woman, it feels so painful to say yes when everything else says no.)     I am not a man.  However, if I was one…if I asked a girl out and she wasn’t interested, I would rather her be more upfront.  Let me be in the friendzone, instead of stirring up my hopes or imaginations.  As a woman, I don’t want to feel obligated in the name of “God knows what we need” (yes, this was brought up to me while one of the men was interested in me).     Back when I was in junior high, I was basically told that I should wait for the “one” and then date.  I no longer agree that this is healthy.  Even asking for God to show me my future husband came from a place of fearing that He hadn’t prepared someone for me; it was out of fear that no man would actually choose me.  I wanted God to do the work of the courtship instead of having to mitigate it myself.  It was solely selfish.  From my experience with a man asking to have sex with me and would pay $100 to video it, I am actually more guarded about getting to know men in a deeper context, anyway.     I wasn’t traumatized that I cannot build relationships with men.  But I won’t initiate a friendship, unless it is done so within a group of mutual friends.  And frankly, as I process on how to walk out sexual purity while having an interest in dating, is building a friendship first a bad place to start?  I can get to know his character, personality, his relationship with God, etc… Even someone that I may not have been initially interested in may in time become an interest, because I grew in friendship with boundaries intact.      People may argue that a date can be used for that.  I can get to know someone and eventually be interested, even if I wasn’t at the beginning.  But I know how my mind and heart are wired.  I can become extremely open about my thoughts, and have said too much too early.  My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, and so I know that things will stir in my heart quite easily.  However, and most definingly - if I am interested, I will look forward to the date, but if I am not interested, then I will be dreading it to come to pass.     This is the point I am at now.  I am growing in my personal convictions, and though I do not want to ignore godly wisdom (from which I can learn from Christian couples I trust), I am realizing that I am an individual who has had experiences and found that I need to walk this dating thing with Jesus like any other thing.  When I was nervous about the second guy asking for a date, I felt like God had told me, “You don’t have to be attracted to him.”  That was literally the pressure that I was feeling from this!  And yet, God allowed me to say no.       The thing is, God knows my life and what it will entail.  He knows who my husband is.  And if something doesn’t work out, then I can trust God that it was either not the man or not the time.  As I saw from a Sons and Daughters clip, “God is not going to give you someone else’s spouse.”  This pressure - even found in the church - to accept an invitation despite personal interest or conviction (because, as my dad has told me, not every man is made for every woman and vice versa) is damaging.  It brings a level of uncomfortableness and pressure that is not needed.  Moreover, the church needs to stop the idea that every person needs to be in a relationship.     At this time, I think a good boundary for a romantic interest is 1) Meet 2) Get to know in a social setting and 3) Go on a one-on-one date.  Friendzone men stay at step 2.  However, I am wondering about two other men I have met from Sunday church.  I could see wanting to get to know them.  What is amazing is though I like talking to each of them, I have not found myself crushing on them, nor being infatuated with them.  If either asked me for coffee, I wonder if I can allow myself to say yes.  I see courtship as an opportunity to care for a man’s heart and invite God into the relationship, whether it remains a friendship or becomes more.  I am adamant for physical boundaries and continuing group hang-outs to provide accountabilities.  But I am letting go of the pressure to find the “one”.  There are desires, but I have given God full access to the romantics, and I am trusting that God is guiding me in my spirit, thoughts and emotions, as well as my future. 

The Damning Effects of Codependency

     

Hello, my name is Laura Hall, and I am codependent.  If I was in a recovery group that made me list what the ailment that plagues my life is, this would be it.  Ironically, as I wrote the opening sentence, I recognized the play on stating my sin as my identity.  Which, in effect, would make codependency a fixed thing.  I hate the idea of that, because although I do need the interaction of people in a more than healthy excessive amount, I don’t want to stay there.  I recognize that I am hurting, but I also hurt people.  Moreover, even though I am finding a means to meet my needs, ultimately, I am still left lacking fulfillment.  The moment people are gone, I am lonely again.

    If codependency could be defined, it would state “a psychological condition or relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs)” ( Merriam-webster.com/dictionary/codependency.  Accessed January 24, 2022.).  Now, because of lack of grammar, I can’t tell if the dictionary is stating that a codependent person is attached to a controlling or manipulative person, or they themselves are controlling or manipulative.  From experience, I can tell you it can be both.  I have been guilty of clinging onto someone that I wanted to protect me (and giving them WAY too much influence in my life), and I have meandered in ways to have friends be at my beck and call as needed.     I know I am primarily extroverted.  But my need to be with people goes beyond following normal schedules.  If I am alone, I become ancy.  Severely internally stressed.  My mind wants to know if there is a place to hang out, a dinner to share, or a Bible study to attend.  And if that is unattainable, I then become creative.  I imagine having conversations with the people in my life so I can tell them what is on my mind.  Or, I make up stories to fill my imagination with accounts of living life with a sense of my own adventure; usually finding a love that I hope to have, or being a part of something impacting for generations.  Usually a mixture of both.      I know that this is unhealthy.  I know I have used my friends.  To the point that even though I moved away, and genuinely want to check in to see how they are doing, they don’t respond.  Perhaps it is just the fact that they are busy.  But I wonder…I wonder if I was in need of them SO much that when I was no longer in proximity, they ignore my texts as to say, “We can’t do anything for you anymore.”  A sense of a wall.  It hurts to know that my friends may not trust me, because I begged for their presence more than what they could give.  Even though I am trying to change, I fear that from their perspective, I am just the same old Laura who only wants to contact someone to ask for their help.  I am guilty of caring for someone to the extent they care for me.     Worst of all, I am a Christian.  By that definition, I have a relationship with the living God.  And to know and be known by an Individual who never leaves, can and does care for my every need should be enough of a reason for me to be satisfied.  Right?  Then why isn’t it so?  I don’t think I have as deep of a relationship with Jesus as I sometimes appear.  And I wish it was deeper.  I wish I trusted God with the hidden needs of my heart.  I wish I spoke with Him as a best friend.  Though I believe Jesus died to save me from my sins, I am finding how little I gave my life to God.  More specifically, I have failed to give God the wounds I grew up with.     Because it is true that I have lived with self-esteem issues.  I have yearned to be loved unconditionally, but felt that whenever I did something wrong, I had to earn forgiveness.  I felt I never measured up.  I was often left to myself to entertain the passing time, so I stood aloof wondering if my mother cared to be a part of my life.  I wondered why I had to carry my family, spiritually.  I have known Jesus for almost 20 years but walked out my faith as an orphan.     Growing up without affirmation and physical presence did something to me.  I want people in my life.  And frankly, I want them to stay in my life.  An orphan spirit hoards.  I wonder if I hoard friends.  Never distinguishing the difference between a seasonal friend and a life-long friend; wishing that everyone could be in my life forever.  I guess I don’t do closures very well.  I’m even scared to start dating.      I want to be married someday.  But with the early 2000s’ message of making sure to find the “one” before dating, mix in my analytical-perfectionist mindset and through in my ever-present need for a human to be on stand-by, I wonder if just on the first date my mind will only go swirling into a romantic, Laura chick-flick, mess. “Who knows?  Maybe he is the one!  After all, I’ve waited so long.  It’s gotta be!!”  Could I be okay if I never got married?  Sometimes I think so.  But, man-oh-man, wouldn’t it feel good to have someone hold me every night?      Uh…Sorry about that.  My mind likes to derail into fantasies.  Ones that make me feel loved, cherished, and fitted for a specific purpose.  And yet, I know that they aren’t real.  The reality is that I seek out socialization or try to keep myself busy..  In this year of not working, I am just home.  Thankfully, I do have family to live with, but if there is no engagement, I give my mind permission to run an alternative idea for how life could be.  Even if I can admit to myself that it is only fiction.  It fills a need.     I try to go to God.  Actually, in the recent months, God has been making me admit the childhood wounds - even the ones I don’t want to share.  However, He isn’t just wanting me to admit them.  He wants me to let go of the past.  Up until now, my pervasive looking for the eternal best friend and working toward affirmation came from a place that declared victimhood.  “I wouldn’t be using people if the adults in my life had just loved me right.”  God even convicted me on the fact that while being back in Missoula, I am wondering when some of them will learn to carry me like they should have when I was a kid.      And ironically, these individuals are in need, themselves.  They cannot carry me all the time.  As long as I hold the requirement that they should make up for their mistakes, while I am growing in the Lord, I am leaving them hanging.  But God has been teaching me that He really does meet my every need.  And in that, He can be the father in such a way that my own may have failed me.  He can nurture me in a way that my mother couldn’t.  The lost child doesn’t have to get affirmation from the parents, because the needs are already taken care of.  Furthermore, I can see the humanity of my parents.  It is an odd place to find that your parents are aging.  The ones who watched over you now need you to watch over them.  And I need to be okay with that.  Holding onto past failings will only make me frustrated that they no longer can carry me at all.     Codependency is a multifaceted subject.  There can be genuine concern for the other, but if the personal needs are not satisfied, as with anyone, the individual will cleverly devise manners in which to have others meet those yearnings.  I am guilty of this.  I have called people in duress, instead of taking time to pray.  I have overstayed my welcome at peoples’ homes, because I love their company.  I have committed to counseling, just so I can have something to do and a friend to spend time with.  I have used people.     I have pushed people away.  And in their own defense for boundaries, I took to blaming them for not looking out for me.  I carried the offense to the pile of “people who forget me”.  When is it ever going to stop?  And I know that trusting God is the only answer.  Being confident in who I am as His daughter will help with the remedy.  Unfortunately, I still find coping mechanisms.  Even if I starve myself of human interaction, that mind is awfully inventive.  And I admit that I still find myself going to it when I want an adventure, feel loved, or to spend the time interactively.     This is my confession, but I don’t know if I am repentant, yet.  Probably not a good thing for a Christian to admit.  But admittance is the first step out of denial.  And stepping out of denial is the beginning of healing.  Jesus and I are scratching the surface, but we’re not done digging.  No, we are not.  The stories I run to hint at the needs I still believe have not been met.  Or, they are goals that I haven’t submitted to God in order for Him to tell me what He wants in my life.  But daily I am walking.  And daily I am leaning into my Father.  And the more I do so, I know that I won’t use people for my gain, but I will genuinely serve them for their benefit.

May I Say Something? (Being a Christian Woman in a Post-Feminist World)

 “For God is not a God of confusion, but of peace.  As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silent in the churches.  For they are not permitted to speak, but should be under submission as the Law also says.  If there is any desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home.  For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.” - 1 Corinthians 14:33-35

“Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but what is proper for a woman to profess godliness - with good works.  Let a woman learn quietly in all submissiveness.  I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather that she is to remain quiet.  For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor.  Yet she will be saved through child-bearing - if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self control.” -1 Timothy 2:9-12

     If there were Scriptures that I would be tempted to rip out of my Bible with just as much fervor as anyone from the LGBT community would concerning sexual immorality, these would be the ones.  Sorry.  A Chrstian shouldn’t admit that, should they?  But God knows the thoughts and feelings I have, so better to be honest and wrestle with the verses that aren’t just challenging, but, in my personality, downright don’t like.  Honestly, I don’t get what it is with the argument that women should be silent.  What is wrong about letting a woman speak in church?  God is not an arbitrary God.  If He dictates something, then there is a reason for it.  He is God; but He is also good, just and logical.  

     But in a post-feminist world, where women have fought to have the rights that every man is enabled to enjoy, defining the influence of godliness and culture sometimes is harder to find.  I know some may argue, “The Bible says women should be silent, so there!”  But honestly, I think it’s more complex than that.  Because in Scripture, I have found examples of women who were not silent.  So, what gives?  Should women be silent, and if so, when?  If women can speak, when may that be?  Overall, this is a charged subject, because as a Christian, I want to know my purpose.  Furthermore, as a woman - what does that look like for me?  I’ll be frank.  I am an egalitarian/complementarian.  From my perspective, I think women can do ministry even in front of the church, but it can never be done in exclusion of men and their giftings.  Men and women together bring the gospel to the world.

     Let’s approach this from the perspective of the woman’s role, detailed in the Bible.  In Genesis 2:18-23, we see that Adam was doing his stewardship duties when God saw something for the first time on Earth, and said it was not good.  This is the point in time when all the women shout, because Eve entered the universe.  She was meant to be a helpmate for Adam.  Purposed in carrying the stewardship and having a relationship with God.  Note that she did not come to replace Adam.  She is to work beside him.  According to Ephesians 5:22-26, men are the head of the household and a woman is to submit to her own husband.  The end.  Closed book.  That’s all there is to it.
    But it isn’t.  Because in reading the Bible, I saw that there are multiple examples of women speaking.  Furthermore, in our society, there are examples when women were helpmates and men who abused their position of authority.  I really do mean to stand biblically.  I can cite the historical evidence that in the first church, there were some women shouting during the services (thus creating the chaos mentioned in the 1 Corinthians 14 passage), but since there isn’t a book on early church beginnings beside Acts, there is much to deduce otherwise. 
    I believe that women can share things, even publicly at church.  Nevertheless, there is a context for it all.  The Hebrew word for helpmate (ezer) is the same to describe the Holy Spirit’s work.  So, in the help it must be active, not passive.  Now, we ladies must not take this too far and think we can change our men as the REAL Holy Spirit does the work of changing hearts.  But we must understand that our assistance for men is active, not passive. Forgive me if I misunderstood Scripture, but if women were 100%  silent, how could they be the helpmates they need to be? 
    Sure, we help take care of the homes.  We teach kids, give input, support, comfort.  We cheer and encourage.  But in no way are we on the bench.  In the Bible, I have found women who were prophetesses (such as Miriam (Exodus 15:20) and Anna (Luke 2:36)).  I found a judge who helped in leading a war (Deborah, Judges 4-5).  I found a woman, who beside her husband, taught doctrine (although, it was over a dinner conversation; Priscilla (Acts 18)).  I found women who had to be vocal in standing for their families’ plights (Abigail (1 Samuel 25:1-42), Esther, and Ruth).  

     In observing healthy marriages, I found that women give input to their husbands’ thoughts.  I know that husbands are the head.  This sounds so last century, but God DID set this up.  As misogynist as this may appear, it is logical.  It is hard to lead a house if there are two chiefs.  On some things they will disagree, and at some point, if there is not someone making the final say, then the mission gets divided, and worse, aborted.  This is why submission is vital.  It means to come under one mission.  Not blind obedience.  As first (help)mates, women are to hear the mission, the choices in how to run the ship, and as the neck (thank you, Big Fat Greek Wedding), communicate that to the rest of the body.  Marriage is the on-earth representation of Christ and the Church.  The Church does not take the place of Jesus in sharing the gospel.  We are the conduit.  Jesus remains the head.  As for men to be picked for this role…because Adam came first.  He was given the duty to share his mission with Eve, and thereby, provide the head role.
    But what of women being silent?  Not to have authority over a man?  As much as I have already written, it really doesn’t matter if I do not address the Scriptures in question.  As for those who take the approach that women shouldn’t teach/preach at church, many would say that women can still be on the worship team, help with hospitality, children (sometimes, youth) ministry, prophecy, and teach women’s conferences.  Just can’t be on the pulpit when it’s co-ed.  With so many positions that a woman can help, it would be a wonder, as to why this is an issue.
    Honestly, I think it’s a matter of position.  It is a matter of history.  It’s a matter of men failing in their God-given roles.  I can understand the issue that women were supposed to ask their husbands to clarify biblical things instead of shouting out.  It is a common thing for individuals, couples and families to discuss points taught and preached in a church.  As for me, when I have questions about something my pastor said, I will text him my question and he will later answer it.  I honor his position, and I still get things clarified.  But if I chose to start yelling, I would disrupt the service and the ability for others to learn about God.  So, it makes sense to stay silent and ask later.  1 Corinthians 14:33-35 can be seen as a circumstantial situation within its context.  Paul doesn’t just say that women should be silent.  He later explains that these women were vocal, because they wanted to learn.  It was just that at the time, it was being done in a disorderly way.  Frankly, it is the 1 Timothy reference that can stop me in my tracks, and honestly, I have skipped reading 1 Timothy just so that I don’t have to be offended.  So, if it offends me, I must confront things.  

     I get that women should be modest in their dress (1 Timothy 2:9).  There is no reason to show off the goods, physically or economically (historians state that some women in the church were bragging about their status through their dress).  But what of teaching and exercising authority?  I guess my immediate response is “What is wrong with a man to learn something from me?!”  However, there is a key phrase.  Women should quietly learn with all submission (vs. 11).  Am I really willing to learn with a heart of humility and submission, or am I focused solely on where I can stand in the church?
    The phrase “to have authority over a man” catches my eye.  The Greek word for authority (authentein) is “to take authority on one's own accord”.  In other words, to usurp the authority that is in position.  I think that perhaps it would still be okay to speak as long as the pastor invites a woman.  Opponents will break my hopes, however, because “teach” in the same verse means the same thing in the Greek. 
    Advocacy for women’s voice in the church primarily concerns itself with the position.  Complementarians state that women are to have explicitly different roles than the men.  Egalitarians state that women can do any role that a man can.  But men and women are different.  And we play critical roles.  I liken serving in the church the way the Vikings had fought.  In Viking culture, the men and women fought.  In battle, the men fought on the front lines, using swords for intense combat.  The women, as snipers, would be in the back of the fields, sitting on horses, bow in hand shooting at the enemy.  The women are vital, but stand at a different position. 
    I have had to ask myself, is the position of the podium all I care about?  In a post-feminist world where it has become that women can and should do everything a man can, it is easy to see the papacy just another area to conquer.  I have had to ask myself, why do I feel like I should be given a voice?  And explicitly, in front of a congregation.  Because frankly, if I am not humble and not willing to learn, then why the heck should I be allowed to share my thoughts to a congregation?  My first slam into a brick wall was one of realization of the pride in my own heart.  And fear.  And trying to prove my worth. 
      I said that women pushing for the pulpit is a matter of position, but of also history.  The feminist movement was birthed out of a lack.  Husbands who claimed to know God became abusive.  Citing women’s submission, they declared that their wives should agree and listen to every. single. sentiment.  Women were told to be silent.  Have sex on command (i.e., spousal rape).  Don’t worry about education; just be a wife and mother.  Moreover, as time progressed, women felt the continual pressure that their purpose in life was to become a wife and mother.  They were to look forward to nodding and agree without question.  But hurts were made, questions not answered, voices unheard, gifts told to stay hidden.  We failed to have the heads of our households covering, and so by the 1970s, many women jumped on the bandwagon that we can do without men.
    The cumulation of the argument speaking in churches comes from a multi-faceted aspect that translates faith, culture, society, as well as personal wounds.  I wonder if this would be an issue, if we had fathers and husbands who served and not lord over their families.  Would there be such a fight over rights if safety in protection of the home was assured?  I recall a scene from Little House on the Prairie: The episode was exploring the women’s right to vote.  Pa explained that although, he personally didn’t think it was needed, because he and his wife discussed everything in an honorable fashion, nevertheless, in the case of women who did not have a voice to represent them, they needed to represent themselves.  Here’s the moral: where there is covering, there is no need for a fight.  The rights are already assured.   

     Maybe I am all for having a voice in church, because I am realizing that as a woman, I found myself in a position where I have had to speak up for myself.  And although I am growing in trusting in God, there are still moments where He still would have me speak even though I wish He could fix things on His own.  I am a woman who is tired of feeling like the only purpose I can have is to be a wife and mother.  What does that say for women who, like me, find themselves without a husband?  Should I rush into a marriage just so I can get on my way?  Or can I serve God, even without a man by my side? 
    I am tired of women’s ministry talking about the same dang thing.  There is more to life than romance.  Frankly, I read the men’s devotionals on the YouVersion app, because the men will talk about a wider variety of topics that apply to Christians than the women’s section.  This needs to change.
    I don’t want to claim that I’m supposed to be a pastor, but I have thoughts and impressions that I feel may need to be shared to encourage those toward Christ.  Yes, being a woman, I am more apt to connect with girls and other women.  But when I write, will men feel offended that I am sharing something that they can learn to be a better individual?  I promise that I am not meaning to take away their God-given authorities. 
    If you made it this far, and are still wondering how I stand on the issues of women in the church, here they are:
1. Pastors should be men.  This parallels with men being the head of the household. Wives of pastors should be honored, and I don’t have much of a position of women being co-pastors, aside that maybe the wives should be an example of Christ and can help assist in ministry.  

2. I think a pastor can enroll women to other parts of ministry.  I think he can invite a woman to share on a topic at church, if he believes that the congregation will benefit from the message.
3. If a woman’s message is degraded only because of who shares it, and not what it actually states, I think it’s out of place.  If the same message would be shared by a man and well-received, why then ignore the message, because it was brought by a woman.
4. Back to pastoral leadership, if a godly man is not available, either by time or is nonexistent, a woman pastor is okay.  This shouldn’t be the norm, but I would much rather have a congregation grow in Christ under a godly woman than die under an absent or ungodly man.

5. The podium is not the goal.  And if one is speaking on a given Sunday, they must check their heart that they are sharing something to prove and degrade, but to encourage and edify the body.  If a message is down putting the callings of anyone that God has given, then it is out of line.

6. Women are more than their relationship status.  How, when, and where they serve Christ is going to differ for each woman as it differs from every man.

7.  If a church does not want a woman to speak behind a podium, I need to deny my pride and be okay with that.  In 1 Peter 3:1-8, a woman can be an example of Christ, and that is one way to show Christ.  Sometimes, women feel we must have a say on every topic, but that is not necessarily always the case.  As women, we need to learn to trust God to do the work, and then invite us to participate.  Sometimes prayer is all that is needed for influence.

8. Ministry is a co-ed deal.  Women want to be involved, but ladies, we can’t forget the men.

     I want to take a short moment to stand on that last point.  As women, as much as we can be fed up with the pig-headedness of men, the fact is, God made each and every one of them.  He has relationships with them, and they are called the same.  We cannot do this without men.  It is not good for man to be alone.  But it is not good for woman to be alone.  We bring our femininity; they bring their masculinity.  That being said, in this post-feminist world - where gender differences and gifts are being forgotten and lacking definition, we need Christian men to rise up and take their place.  They need to lead in love like Christ.  Our children need their fathers; our homes require their coverings; and it is upon men that God bestowed this mantle.  Please carry it well.  Much of the Church’s generations have become orphaned due to abuses and neglect.  Men and women…together…guard the home.

Miracles, Signs and My Effort?

      

When I ask God for something, I must admit, it is often from a perspective of begging.  I know God will fulfill His Word.  He won’t lie.  But when one grows up in a church where all you have to do is pray and someone’s healed, then…how come there are often situations where I find that I am not getting the immediate change?  A change that I would think was promised to me, because His Word says so.     Yesterday, I chose to watch a video of a Christian explaining why he stepped away from a hyper-charismatic church.  His reasons listed as no question of authority, lack of tongues showed a second-class Christian, emotionalism, and intense zeal for signs and wonders.  I wouldn’t say that there were things stated directly growing up, however, I do understand the internal pressures for gifts, signs and wonders.  “In the name of Jesus, be ____________________,” or the like.  On some level, if one did not receive what they asked, then one didn’t have enough faith.  I remember after my pastor died of cancer, a friend of mine admitted that he believed that he wasn’t healed, because our church didn’t pray for him enough.        So…the reasons that signs didn’t happen is because of lack of faith or lack of effort?     Frankly, I don’t know how to respond to people who pray for a rebuking of certain things (such as for a minor cold).  I don’t know how to receive it.  If it worsens or persists for a set amount of time, does that mean the sickness didn’t listen to the rebuke?  And if it didn’t, then what does that say about my faith?  I have grown up with this feeling that I have to substantiate the signs in my life.      What if I asked for a healing, cited God’s Word, but trusted Him with the timing?  I don’t want to settle for allowing things of this world to gain reign over God’s kingdom, but SO MUCH of my life has already been built on what I could do.  And I’m to a point that I need to trust that God’s Word is true.      The fact that I beg when I pray proves that I fail to trust God will do His work.  I understand there may be things I need to persevere in prayer.  However, I will only truly persevere when I trust God is at work, and He is good.  The image of intercession is men praying hours on end.  Historically, this was done.  Not to negate forefathers of the faith, but what if intercession looked more like every time a person came to mind, I prayed.  Maybe pray only for 30 seconds, but it is full of 100% faith and going back to my day?     From my experience, when I prayed 30-60 minute prayers, they were done out of duress and anxiety.  I pleaded, but it was out of anger.  How much trust was in those prayers?  I’m not minimizing long prayers.  Sometimes they are needed.  But, I am finding for myself, a simple sentence prayer does more than a thesis.  Long-winded prayers come from a place of telling God my thoughts or a conversation.  But it doesn’t explore the trust needed for intercession.      I can seek God’s will and ask, but I can’t force His hand.  When I pray, I need to fully trust Him.  I won’t, however, if I am convinced that signs, healings and wonders are dependent on me.  After all, who gets the glory?  Because if I think that the healing is on me, then when the healing comes, it will be easy to say, “I PRAYED, and they were healed.”  But if I grab a hold of God’s Word, ask for the healing, trust in God’s timing, when the healing comes, I will be more prone to praising Jesus.      Not all healings are instant.  And maybe that’s where we are getting off wrong…The timing…Even in the Pentacostal, Western mindset, we want a microwave faith.  We wouldn’t dare say that God isn’t good.  But I wonder how many people, like me, have blamed themselves when the outcome wasn’t what they had asked.  How many times was the devil given credit?  And sometimes the devil is at work to postpone the work of God.  But that doesn’t negate that God is still at work.  We partner with Christ in His work, but He still is the one who does the heavy lifting.  I want to have faith for the impossible.  Moreover, I must first believe that the impossible doesn’t depend on me.