To say I was puzzled doesn’t even begin to describe it. I had an AMAZING breakthrough in Israel. I was freed from demonic strongholds, my right hip and foot straightened forward, and my right hand was able to open a water bottle. However, by the end of July, my right big toe began hurting. A lot. Everyday. Whereas, back in Israel, I was able to remove the need for an ankle brace, now I need to wear it daily to make sure the foot is not in pain by the end of the day. However, it doesn’t make sense. Why would I have a breakthrough in healing, only to find debilitating pain later on (I was left limping!)? There are times when my faith is assured and I can stand on what God has done. However, there are moments, like now, when I am forced into a whirlwind of questions.
Why am I feeling pain? Is this a demonic attack? Did I sin in such a way to allow demons to take hold of me where the pain came? Did I not work hard enough to make sure my body continued walking in its healing? These questions are legitimate in that things are possible, but the underlying concern is how quick I ran to the assumption that the burden of my healing laid on my ability. It’s a haunting that has persisted since adolescence. I remember the questions I had then. Did I lack enough faith to receive healing? Did I fail to thank God enough to quicken the wait time for the healing? How many times do I have to go to the altar before God gets the hint that He should move in my life, too?
Why, when I pray for someone else, they receive an immediate answer, but when I ask for healing in my quiet time, nothing changes? God, how much do I have to beg for Your promises to manifest in my life? Aren’t I Your kid, too? I know that I’m not supposed to earn the gift of healing, but when I see others receive their promise, and I don’t, it doesn’t help any.
Ask me if I believe in healing, I will readily say yes. However, in the grips of my pain - both physically and emotionally, I have to confront the reality of my questions. Do I trust God? Sure…or so I would say. Truth is, I see a hint of cynicism weed its way into my heart when I see the discrepancy between expectation and reality. Or the reality of my present circumstance.
The questions come from the peoples’ expectations on what healing should and will look like. I know that God isn’t cookie cutter. I know that good people can struggle in life. Jesus didn’t promise freedom from heartache. But humanity likes to simplify matters. And so, if something is out of order, we like to determine the cause. Because if we do, then it is easier to fix something. Or so we think. Sometimes people don’t get better when we want them to. Sometimes people die. So, even with my personal experience of discouragement, shouldn’t that be evidence enough to leave God?
There are times I hold onto Jesus, only because I resolve there is nowhere else I can go. I have a historical understanding of world religions; I have found a consensus among them. Humanity is required to prove its own goodness for the divine. And yet, in my understanding of humanity, there is not one person who is completely good. Even the goodie-two-shoes, like me. Only in the case of Christianity, does God 1) detail that humanity is plagued with the curse of sin, 2) outright say that something has to be done, 3) say that humanity can’t do anything sufficiently to save its own soul, and 4) provide its own antidote for the problem. That being said, I have found a confession cracking through the hyper-spiritual denial I wasn’t even aware existed.
I know I have trusted Jesus for my personal salvation and for a sense of morality. However, I have failed to trust that God is a God of His Word. Oh yes, I have said I do. But the continuing confusion, puzzlement, anger and discouragement relays a darker reality in my heart: cynicism. I want to have faith, but my expectations periodically have been slashed. Friends and family will be quick to remind me that I have seen God move in my life. But in the moment of pain, I forget it all. God works at this time, but then doesn’t for that time. It isn’t fair.
The teacher of Ecclesiastes echoed the same sentiment. “Vanity. It is all vanity” that the good will experience the bad. Job questioned God’s justice in the midst of his suffering, because he knew he was a righteous man, yet going through hell on earth. What could be worse than losing all your children, property and health? Horatio Spafford, author of “It is Well with My Soul”, understood that on a very personal level.
Life was as blessed as any American could define. Spafford was a lawyer, living with his wife and four beautiful children. However, in 1871, his only son died of pneumonia and the Chicago Fire affected him financially. An economic recession made him take another hit. However, if that wasn’t enough sorrow for a godly man to surmise, two years later, the most heartbreaking occurred. His family intended on a vacation, but Spafford’s wife and three daughters went ahead. The vessel collided and all three of his daughters died. How much could a man take? And yet, in his sorrow, he wrote, “It is well with my soul.” (Information from Wikipedia.)
Out of curiosity, I read the entire hymn. Why was this man without any doubt of God’s goodness, and yet, I was struggling to trust in it? I found that Spafford spent a little time discussing his hurt, but the majority of his song praised God for the salvation that was afforded. Reading through Ecclesiastes and the end of Job, I found two interesting verses:
“I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You…[God] has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out that work that God does from beginning to end.” - Job 42:2; Ecclesiastes 3:11
I never thought I blamed God for my predicament, but I recognize that I have blamed Him for not releasing me from it on my time. The questions I uttered came from an expectation of how healings should come. Looking in the Bible, yes, there were some who received healings immediately, but there were others who had to have a second touch (Mark 8:24-25). Some didn’t see the healing until after they left Jesus (Luke 17:11-19). Biblically, timing is not necessarily immediate.
The statement that I just need to have enough faith doesn’t make sense (as if I need to muster more up), because Jesus said that faith as small as a mustard seed is enough to move mountains (Matthew 17:20). Another concern I had was how I was told to keep thanking God for the healing to come. Now, I know I need to be better about carrying gratitude, but I remember a man who was a bit spiteful about healings, and yet, Jesus made him walk (John 5:1-9). So, why does that also have to be a determination for receiving healing?
Remember, I am not asking questions because I want to dissuade any responsibility or acknowledge possible demonic attacks. These questions stem from an internal conviction that somehow any gift I receive from God must be earned. And that is NOT biblical. At all!!! I wrestle, because I wonder what I can do to get God to move on my behalf, in my way. And thus far, it hasn’t happened yet. Actually, I don’t remember God giving me healing on my terms any time He did something. Whether it be the limb, or the place, or the time receiving the healing…it hasn’t been exactly what was hoped for or expected. So much for telling God how He should do things.
I realize that I despair, as many Americans probably would, because I have bought into the Western Gospel where we worship God for what He can do in my life more than worshiping Him for who He is, trusting in His character and appreciating what Jesus did on the cross. We identify blessings more on a Darwinism level, because we like the black-and-white answers to know if we are good (or not…yikes). We have bought into signs not as a reflection of God’s heart, but rather as a proof and evidence that God loves or favors us. Meaning, if God doesn’t move, then something’s wrong with you…or worse, maybe there’s something wrong with God.
I never thought that I could get to that position. The more I walk with Jesus, I can see all the more my increasing and pressing need for Him. His Lordship wasn’t in question. However, His friendship has been. For how can one be a friend with someone they do not trust? However, I must excuse myself from the mindset that God has to bow to my demands. Even when those demands are good. Faith is not just believing that God exists. It is a trust in His character and that He is a God of His Word (see Hebrews 11:1, 6). Even when His work doesn’t make sense at the moment.
Questions aren’t inherently sinful. I have found that when I face my honest, desperate soul and give it to God, with all the horror of impending doubt, I find solace, not because I receive answers, but because He is faithful. I can’t say that I have arrived. I can’t promise that I won’t ask questions on this topic, again (although, that would be nice). But I hope I am walking with more faith, even if the only thing I am holding onto is trusting that God’s eternal plan is bigger than my finite life. Here’s to one step at a time…Faith works like that.
Thursday, August 25, 2022
A Regression in Healing...What the Heck?!
Monday, July 11, 2022
Unforgiveness and Dirty Mirrors
It’s hard to love unconditionally when someone has hurt you. There is a need for boundaries, yes, but how does one not think of an individual and stop the mind from rambling as to how that person needs to change before the relationship can continue? This is the matter that has continually plagued me in the last 10 months as I navigated my healing. Because as much as I learned to not be defined by the person who had hurt me, and I learned how to set up gates to protect from future wounds, I noticed that I still had a desire for the person to change. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing to desire, especially when discussing unhealthy habits. However, I want the change completed on my time, in my way, justifying my rights. The truth is forgiveness is a repetitive cycle as it is a moment’s decision. Sometimes the pain of the past returns, and so in my lack of understanding, I find myself rehearsing the actions of the guilty party. However, in all of my wrestling, I was not prepared for the bombshell that God decided to drop on me: “Just as you want to be taken as you are, you need to take [this person] as they are.” I was being charged with being judgmental. Matthew 7’s introductory portion has been used as an excuse to stay in sin, in the name of “do not judge”. However, this is a misappropriation of the verse. There is wisdom in discerning what is godly or not. In Matthew 7, Jesus is describing a judgment as believing oneself to be better than someone else’s sin who has been found out. Seeing someone’s sin but denying or lacking the repentance of sin found in their own life. In forgiving the “guilty family member”, God further revealed that the wooden speck in someone’s eye and the plank in my own eye came from the same tree. What?! I am not like that! I am different! Or so I thought. But another whisper: Isn’t it funny how that’s the sin people stay offended? He was talking about the sin that I was hurt, but was guilty of, as well. I judged this family member as critical and judgmental. Perhaps, rightly so. I have all the evidence for it. However, God also revealed that in my pain, I too have become critical. I am quick to judge. I am also guilty of slander, because in my effort to vent and process, a secret motive for others to side with me was at play. It wasn’t just concerning this family member. I can be critical of other people, things, and ideas if not careful. I am not so different from my offender. And as guilty as they are, I too, am just as much. Becoming fixated on the sin of another, I had chosen for so many years to hold onto unforgiveness. Then, I also became that which I hated. A Pharisee. Wanting my rights (or wanting what was right) penetrated my heart, birthing an overemphasis on proving one’s goodness. If someone says something, then they better abide by it. Anything less is to reveal how not a Christian one was. Don’t misunderstand my meaning. I do not mean to give way to leniency where the Bible is direct about things. Jesus and His Word is foundational, and discipline is needed. But I have found in my own walk that I have excused my unforgiveness, justifying it, because I held my pain against the ones who exhibit themselves to be strong Christians. And yet…many would call me a strong Christian. And yet…I know in myself; I have my own blindsides. God was revealing them even in the recent weeks! And if it is possible for me to find fault in myself, and if I want mercy for my own sin, then it is possible that another Christian, too, hasn’t completed their work of salvation, and they too, need mercy. This understanding that my unforgiveness held a dirty mirror to my life came to the light when I was studying King David and the situation with Tamar, Amnon, and Absalom (reference: 2 Samuel 13-16, 18:1-18). I already knew the story line. Amnon had fallen in love (or perhaps in lust) with his half-sister, Tamar. After tricking her to feed him, he forced himself upon her and she ran for shelter with her full brother, Absalom. To say Absalom was TICKED is an understatement. Yet, in preparing for the reading, I asked God what He wanted me to get out of it. It was true that I felt a twinge of my feminism stir in reading about Tamar’s rape. Furthermore, the rage that Absalom felt was 100% justified in my mind. And I was baffled at the silence and inaction of King David (the father of the three adult children). And yet, taking a couple days in studying it, I was struck with conviction, that as much as I initially sided with Absalom, his subsequent actions stemmed from unforgiveness, and none were God-ordained in righting the wrong. He murdered his brother, attempted to take the throne from his father, and one of his last unredeemable acts included raping his father’s concubines. Perhaps his motive for justice was pure, but allowing bitterness to reign free, he eventually became guilty of the very same sin as his half-brother. Sound familiar? In holding onto offense, I became guilty of the judgmentalism I hated most. Sure, it isn’t the same as murdering anyone, starting a coup, or committing sexual assault, but too often we judge behavior, not realizing that different manifestations can be rooted to the same sinful motivation. I was as Absalom. I believed that I had to be righted. But just as Absalom, I am prone to take things into my hand, and allow offense to stir in my heart. If the one who has authority does nothing, then I will do something myself. In my case, I would write my personal history with a villain in my story. And as long as I held onto that narrative, I could do no wrong, for my motivation was to redeem the innocence stolen. But the villain, realistically, is not a villain. Like so many people, they are complex. Even more complex, considering they believe in Jesus. As much as I wish sanctification was immediate, it is not. And so, if I need time to become more like Christ, so does the family member who had a reputation of words cutting as daggers. And even if the villain was a true villain, if God’s heart is for redemption, then I cannot allow my heart to become bitter. I don’t understand why David was silent. I wonder if he was trying to give Amnon a chance to repent (as God had done when he had committed adultery and murder concerning Bathsheba). Maybe he was talking with the Levite priests and trying to gather evidence. Sadly, at that time, CSI didn’t exist, and so it may have been a case of “he said/she said”. The Bible doesn’t say if David was active or inactive. But a note in the ESV says that David didn’t punish Amnon, because he loved him, because he was David’s firstborn. Whatever the reason, Absalom had a double reason for being angry. Rightly so. And yet, why is it that Absalom’s journey ended in devastation and David is still remarked as a man after God’s own heart? I became confused reading the psalms associated with this case as David brought up his righteousness, and asked for deliverance from the enemy (i.e. Absalom; see Psalm 3 and 4 for examples). David brought on this trouble because he was silent! Furthermore, because of his sin with Bathsheba, the prophet Nathan said that trouble would come to David’s house. So, how could David speak as if he had integrity? I don’t get it fully. I won’t say that I have all the answers, especially as sensitive as an issue as the case of Tamar, the daughter of King David. However, I think the difference between Absalom and David was the manner of repentance and refraining to take things in one’s own hands. The measure of integrity isn’t being perfect and lacking sin in totality; it is identifying sin, repenting of it, and making amends. David did that; Absalom did not. David called himself righteous, not because he was a good father, but he trusted in God’s goodness to be enough where he failed. And when he failed, he was quick to admit it (see Psalm 38). When David was confronted with his sin, he repented of it, and would ask that others were spared for his wrong (see 2 Samuel 12:13-17). Absalom did not see the error of his way, even though he had an initially just motive. Nevertheless, a just motive bent on revenge will bring a demise. History has proved that leaders who were bitter turned sour on their own people. Hatred tainted their purity as just leaders. This is the danger of unforgiveness: it throws away one’s destiny. I do want to say that something had to be done with Amnon. When a wrong is done, it must be made right. But it also must be done in the right way. Absalom had a choice. In his two years of waiting for his dad to do something, maybe Absalom could have talked with his father. “Hey Dad, I know that you love Amnon. But he hurt your daughter. I believe you love her too, and you need to stand up for her. Either you or I will do something, but Amnon cannot get away with this.” Maybe there was this conversation, and David refused. That would make this all the more heartbreaking. But Absalom had a choice. Even after murdering Amnon, he could have forgiven his father. Second Samuel states that David was relieved when he heard Amnon was dead (13:38-39). Perhaps David knew he screwed up. Maybe he wanted to thank Absalom for taking action when he failed to do so. The Bible doesn’t list every conversation had, so we’ll have to wait. But Absalom had a choice to forgive or continue in his bitterness. He chose to stay in his bitterness, and it proved to be his end. What does this have to do with my family member? How am I like Absalom when his story spun out like a revenge story gone bad? If I do not take careful heed, my unforgiveness will be my demise. I must identify my own sin in judging someone as different than I, when I could be capable of the same things. I will believe myself to be without sin, and that is a VERY dangerous place to be in, concerning walking with God. “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us (1 John 1:8).” I was deceived in pointing out the person’s sin, because then I was blind to my own sin (which the size of a plank will do!). I, too, am in need of repentance. And thankfully, “if anyone sins, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the world (1 John 2:1-2).” Now that I have repented, it is important to bring that message of the Gospel to others. Whether the person before me is saved or not, I am learning that knowing what I have been saved from helps me to extend the mercy that Jesus had afforded to me. When I see someone’s sin, I am learning to not take things personally, but see it as a sign that the individual doesn’t have a revelation of Christ like I do, in a specific area. I am learning to pray for that person, rather than trying to work my magic of words and manipulation in order for them to come around. It is HARD! But I am trusting that God is at work in their life, and I am inviting Him to do the work that I could never accomplish in the first place. Vengeance is His, anyways. So, why not desire for redemption? Do I really want hell for the offender, anyway? People are saved in a day, but the fruit of salvation continues to birth for a lifetime. It is a struggle to be patient; especially when some peoples’ actions and words can cause so much pain to themselves or others. But they have a choice in how they will walk with Jesus. All I can do is hope and pray for it. I do not want to be an Absalom. I have been given the gift of mercy like David, now I must share it with others. What else could I do? For what would I say to myself if I looked in the mirror?
Sunday, July 10, 2022
Healing in the Breaking
Living with the person who hurt me did three primary things in my life. First, It allowed me to see more sides of the person. In knowing more about their interests and heart, I could identify with them on a social level, and not just a political/religious level (which is what I most saw in their lives). It was hard at first. People said the person had such a caring heart, and my initial reaction was, “Really? Because the person I know is very critical.” And yet, in observation, I could laugh with them, spend time with them and understand their passions. I was forced to see them for more than just their sin.
The second impact was that I learned to learn from them. So much of the pain they caused over my formative years prevented me from wanting to receive anything from them. My perspective was that the person had a black/white mindset that didn’t allow challenge or discussion. Ironically, over the things that I thought shouldn’t matter (like how to set a table), God straight up told me, “Well, if it doesn’t matter, then why don’t you do it their way?” The pain produced pride and rebellion in me. And yet, this individual did have some things by which I could learn. After this year, there are some things I still don’t agree with 100%, but I have found there are things they have taught me - even on a Christian level- that has helped. The third thing I had to learn concerning true forgiveness was to confront the sin. So often, we think that forgiveness is letting it go and never bringing it up. And yet, people who have been hurt can tell you that when something is never said, the wound will come again. It is a perpetual cycle unless a line is drawn. There was a situation, this last year, where the individual had done something hurtful. I wrestled with it the following week, because…it wasn’t a matter of disagreement, as much as how the disagreement played out. It was this pattern of behavior that diminished so much of my confidence.
I played it over in my head. If I just had an audience, and if they could get me angry enough, I would BLAST them so they could BLATANTLY see their sin. However, that isn’t the heart of forgiveness. There was such a complexity to it, honestly. Part of my pain came from being victimized that no one spoke up for me when I needed them to. And yet, now in my 30s, it wasn’t realistic to go back and redo the past. Though I wanted someone to say something, I found that that person speaking up had to be me.
Dang it. Why? Why did it have to be me? But as much as there are scars from my past, if I wanted to be a healthy person, I had to learn to take the steps for myself now, and not wait for my past to change. I had started reading a book called Boundaries (written by Henry Cloud and John Townsand) at the time of this present wound. One thing that was discussed was the need for setting boundaries as a means to prevent further hurt. And when to confront the hurt, it must be done in a manner by which we lovingly want to bring to knowledge the sin of the offender, so that they may repent. Will the person repent? Only God knows. But giving them an opportunity is the goal of forgiveness. After all, Jesus’ kindness led to our repentance. So, I not only had to confront the wound, set boundaries, I also had to do so in a manner in which to help restore the relationship. Trust me. The LAST thing I wanted to do was make a way for me to be nearer to the one who hurt me. That was my qualm with God this whole last year! And yet, God reminded me that in my sin, He did the very thing that would renew a relationship between Him and myself.
Call it passive aggressive, but I let the person know via text. I didn’t trust the person well enough to not begin blubbering in person or for them to hear me out. I needed to say what I needed to say with freedom, and to think about what needed to be said…in love. The amazing thing was when I brought it to their attention, they had no clue that their actions caused the kind of harm resulted. In their openness to receive the truth, there was repentance. And in repentance, there were steps of trust built.
I cannot say that the work is made complete. I do have my boundaries and there are certain things that God is showing me it is better not to give the person influence in certain areas. He also convicted me that if I know the person strongly disagrees with me on a topic, I shouldn’t bait them and make them sin against me, either (didn’t think that was in me…whoops). I am learning that if I want to be healthy and do ministry the right way, then I really do need to let go of the past. I have to take a hold of what God says, and not pay any mind to what people say as much. The old saying, “Chew on the meat and spit out the bones” is now a day-to-day reality, but understanding what is meat vs. bones has left me choking on less poison than I used to. I can’t believe that I used to teach things out of the Bible, knowing they were true, but my heart simultaneously believed in lies of the enemy. And now, I can say that I am putting my trust in Jesus more and more each day.
Running away from the past is a short-term solution. However, I recognize that confrontation must be done delicately. I didn’t do this work when I was 23 years old, and perhaps the reason was because I hadn’t truly forgiven. If I had confronted, it would have been about proving myself right and demonizing the offender. And yet, that isn’t the heart of Jesus. His heart is for repentance and restoration. If we have no desire for restoration, then we have no business in speaking with the person who hurt us.
Healing does take time. It requires acknowledgement of the pain. Tears are a form of release; let them flow. It takes letting your story be heard; tell a trusted friend. But at some point, it is important to confront. Whether this involves the person or not, the wound must be directly addressed. A wound is a mark from the world that tempts us to doubt God’s goodness and truth. Left alone in a corner, it becomes a thorn that will fester and poison a garden.
Lastly, boundaries and defining the relationship helps prevent further wounds. I think so much of my pain came from my own expectation of what the person should’ve been, that I put them on a pedestal, opened my heart freely (at such a young age, this could hardly be helped, but as an adult, I have a bit more autonomy to realize what to take in or not), and sought for their approval. If I had just focused on Jesus, their actions wouldn’t have turned into offenses, because I wouldn’t have put my expectation on them.
It’s something I’m learning. And it’s something I have to remind myself daily. But living in freedom takes time. However, the more I do it, the more it will become a natural state of being. And if you read this post, I hope you can find this freedom, as well.
Saturday, June 25, 2022
Sabbath: A Look at Active Rest
Rest. Americans can define what rest is, however, many are without understanding of what it is actually. Furthermore, honoring the Sabbath as God desires is something that is forgotten. Sure, we work 40 hour weeks. We finally learned from the Labor Unions at the turn of the 20th century that having time off is healthy for the individual, but also for the production of the company. And yet, I think we still miss it, for the most part. Because when we are supposed to be resting, we find another project or chore that must be completed. America is go, go, go…and often it takes something that forces us into bedrest to finally slap us across the face to STOP! We have convinced ourselves that to be busy can equate glory to God. After all, are we not supposed to be about our Father’s business? Absolutely. But it was quite the surprise when I wanted to reject the idea of having to rest last Fall when God told me that sitting at His feet was also His business. We can accomplish so much, and yet, without taking a sabbath, there is a danger of doing more harm than good. God designed for us to have sabbath. We are supposed to rest. In the last year, I found there are two primary reasons for rest. Counter to our modern society, it is not passive, and is attached to a goal. In the manner of rest, which includes “not working”, i.e. sitting, lying down, the goal of this rest is to allow for repair from extensive work. For those who do physical activity, the most effective workouts include a short period of rest after each exercise. The reason for this is so that muscles can receive oxygen after being depleted by force of activity. At the end of the day, we sleep. Rest gives restoration. Sabbath is needed, because our souls need regular restoration from the work that we find ourselves in. Secondly, and perhaps more important concerning the longevity of being able to work is that rest provides rehabilitation. In exercise, individuals often will break from the high impact work through the week and will have a “stretch” day. The rest is not just sitting back. It is using the muscles at a slower pace, so that the body doesn’t cease from remembering its purpose (to move), but it will strengthen in areas that cardio, nor strength and conditioning can’t accomplish. God will slow us down to challenge us throughout our lives, so that He can address something in our lives that He is preparing for the next work. This is done at a slower pace, because, well, let’s face it. When God challenges us, sometimes we hesitate, and obedience requires baby steps. But stretching also addresses mobility and flexibility…things that the body wouldn’t ever encounter, if the person decided to not stretch. When the purpose stretches, they are better prepared for more activity, because they are actively preventing injury. However, sometimes injury occurs. Physically, but also at the soul level. We try to have regular restoration. We made a point to be stretched and prevent injury. But life is life, and often, no matter our effort, we still come out scarred. This is where I arrived a little more than a year ago. I was hoping God was just going to send me to another reservation. Instead, He was sending me back to my hometown. “Why?” Because I had to deal with my childhood wounds. What I didn’t realize in the last few years was that I was ministering out of my wounds. Aside from the burnout I was experiencing, because I didn’t rest (out of the conviction that I was needed on all days of the week), what work I did was broken, as well. I am reminded of a series on biblical seasons preached by my Browning pastor. Spring: seeding new things, Summer: the work toward the fruit, Fall: receiving a harvest, and Winter: the rest. I asked my dad what farmers do during the winter season. It would be nice to think that rest was meant to sit back, however, that is not the case. Even in the winter, there is a specific goal. Farmers take time during the winter to take inventory of their harvest and to also repair equipment. Just as in working out, the rest season has an active purpose. There is a restoration that comes from being fed from the harvest, but there is also rehabilitation for things that were injured in the process of working the harvest. God determined that sabbath was needed for longevity to carry purpose. The American mindset that we should work hard, play hard and never take a break for a second is physically tiring us out, mentally driving us insane with stress, but spiritually creates discouragement for the soul. Without rest, we are then convinced that the effort must 100% rely upon our efforts, when whatever work we do must be done in Him. In Jesus. Sabbath allows us to take a break and draw our strength from God. It also helps us to refocus on Who is important. If we fail to remember the Who of our lives, we will get lost on our what. Sabbath is required regularly. And sometimes, God requires a season of sabbath. It is weird to have an elongated rest in a world of doing things nonstop. But in looking back, I am thankful I was obedient. Failure to rest, restore and rehabilitate, I would have continued to work in my own understanding, wisdom, and ability. When I lead me, I found I caused injury. Stepping down from the busy is not bad. Most Christians are satisfied to attend church for the couple hours required and go back to the normal rush of society. When someone decides to step down, there can be judgment as if the person is not right with God. But what I understand now is that if someone sees something awry in their lives and doesn’t address it, worse may result (such as being forced to step down or fall into sin). God has given sabbath for our benefit and protection. One last point on the goal of sabbath, before I end. Sabbath isn’t just about us getting a breather, though that happens. Primarily, it is in the manner we can worship God. Yes, in Colossians, we are directed to do all things as for the Lord and not for men. I don’t know about you, but I am prone that too much work can result in failure in communing with the One I love and adore, and that work ceases to be a form of worship, but turns into duty. Taking a sabbath is God’s version of “date night” to focus back on what’s important: Him. So, if you are feeling led to step away from some things, I highly encourage you to do so. The time spent will be fruitful and will prepare you to go farther than if you had never stopped at all.
Thursday, April 21, 2022
Reverence
Must a bride resign
To silence in the excitement
Of her betrothal?
Must she hush
The joy found in joining
With her Lover?
You desired
To draw near.
In Your holiest presence,
You longed for Your people's
Essence.
Yet, in fear of Your being
They shuddered. They kept You distant
For the security of their comfort.
Only one knew Your face.
Only one knew Your grace
Without a veil.
Forgive me
If my words are forbidden.
The Sabbath must be somber;
Yet somber does not resort
To a sort of sadness
In approaching Your throne.
There is a sincerity in the heart;
Filled with spirit and truth.
How can I worship You
If I fear, but do not love, You?
When I ponder on all
You are,
I can do nothing
But respond.
I have to pour
What little love I have
Upon the One who is infinite.
What gravity is there that You
Desire to know Your creation intimately?
And I say
Let it be so.
I know there may be moments
In which the quiet is required.
I know that reverence will
Cause me to be still.
Yet the glory of Your name
Beckons me to exile shame
From a wrath that can be found
In silence.
Your goodness is too good
To not share.
So, if You mean for me to utter,
May my soul never deny;
May my mouth never refuse
To shout praise to her Lover!
I'm Sorry
I'm sorry for the sins I hide.
I'm sorry for the things I've justified.
Please forgive me,
And breathe in me anew.
Wednesday, March 23, 2022
The Man with the Cut-Off Nose
Long ago, there was a chief whose son was a great warrior. He fought in many battles, and saved his people from many hardships and oppressors. The time came when the warrior was to be married. He was looking for the perfect bride. Beautiful women presented themselves and hoped he would choose them. But the warrior’s eyes only would look at one. He decided to choose her. She wasn’t beautiful. She bore scars not on her skin, but on her soul. The elders heard from the chief who was to be picked as the warrior’s bride. In response, they denounced the choice. “What kind of bride is this for the chief’s son?! She isn’t worth being his!” She was a woman known to be unfaithful. She was violent and a liar. She was a thief. For the chief’s son to choose this one of all the women in the village was absurd and dishonoring. The chief assured them that this woman had decided to change her ways. She was no longer who she used to be. Her character was upright, and she would be the warrior’s bride. Whether the elders would join in the feasting was left to their decision, but the chief hoped that they would reconsider their dread. Soon after, the warrior married the woman. For a little while, the woman proved to be as righteous as the chief made it known. She was faithful to the warrior, and kept her house well. Yet, the coyote still whispered to her while she slept. He told the woman, “I know you long to be loved. But there is more that can care for you.” She kept the coyote’s words hidden, but in time, she wandered once again, abandoning her husband. One night, she was found to possess items belonging to various people in the village. The elders brought the woman before the chief. “We knew she was no good for your son!” Then they turned toward the woman. “You were chosen to be the wife of the chief’s son! He is the greatest warrior, and the most upright. How dare you be unfaithful?” The woman did not deny the words. The elders held onto the woman’s arms for her sentencing*, but the warrior arose. With tears in his eyes, he said he would take her punishment. In turn, he would also go into the wilderness for three days and present himself to Creator for forgiveness. The great and righteous warrior’s nose was cut off. Without a word, he then left the village to plead his case with Creator. Within the three days, the warrior and his bride returned home. Apologetic for her failings, she decided to be faithful and she pledged her vows again to her husband. She returned what was stolen. The warrior was scarred, but smiled as his bride was with him, again. All was well in their home, but the village would not forget her wrong. Women spoke quietly, and warned their children to not go near the warrior’s bride. Men scowled, from a distance, in judgment. The elders, knowing the ways to live a good life, were quick to remind the woman that she should have been the one to have her nose cut off. This came to the warrior’s attention, and he became angry. He asked the people, “Who has their nose cut-off? Is it my bride or myself? And if she does not carry the scar, then why would you condemn her for where there is no evidence of judgment against her? And if my punishment was good enough to cover her wrongs, and I have forgiven her, then why do you hold onto her offenses? Are you more righteous than she? Has Creator given you mercy? Then you should be merciful to whomever I choose to give mercy.”
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If you have lived long enough, you have been hurt by someone. And if you are someone who grew up in the church (and even if you didn’t), chances are, you may have been hurt by someone who is a Christian. To be hurt by a fellow believer can seem more painful than to be hurt by someone who doesn’t know Jesus. As a Christian, they should know better. The thing is, people are still people. There are misunderstandings and blindsides. And Christians, in their humanity, unfortunately still fall. I wish when we got saved, we never sinned again. Sure would make things so much more simpler. Alas, the process of salvation is a process and learning to walk after Christ is not completed overnight.
This isn’t an excuse to let sin reign in us after accepting Jesus into our lives. But, if a Christian has repented and has been forgiven, then who are we to hold their sin against them? Jesus died for every sin, and that includes our own, but it also includes the ones who have offended us. Can any of us charge anyone with a judgment when Jesus has forgiven them? No. We can’t, because in His forgiveness, He removes sin as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).
Wait! But what if the person continues to offend on purpose, or when confronted, refrains from acknowledging, apologizing or mending their ways? That is when the ministry of mercy is needed. I wonder what kind of heartbreak it caused God to see His Son on the cross. His only, righteous Son, dying for a depraved people. His justice was righteous, but the punishment wasn’t fair. If it were, the sinful would have died with their sin.
Mercy isn’t fair. Which may be why forgiveness is so hard. When we have been offended, we want justice, but not the reconciliation. However, God desires reconciliation with justice. That is why Jesus came. Righting the wrong, but also redeeming the one who committed the wrong.
If we, ourselves, were not saved by works, then neither are other people. Including the people who offended us. Their righteousness in Jesus is not based on their efforts. If we want to be forgiven, then when people have hurt us, we should forgive them (for if they understood they hurt us the way they did, they would want to repent and be forgiven). It is amazing how quick we talk about living by grace, but when injured, we dive for judgment. We may even say things like, “If they were a REAL Christian, they wouldn’t do that.”
But if we are holding someone’s sin against them, if we refuse to be merciful in our attitude, then how much of our interactions are living by sight compared to living by faith (2 Corinthians 5:7)? As mentioned before, we are apt to still sin, in this present body. And that includes us…the ones who have been offended. Because just as much as we have been hurt, we have hurt others. We all will give an account for ourselves at the end of time (2 Corinthians 5:10). To refuse forgiveness is to say that my judgment is more right than God’s. And yet, the power of Jesus’ sacrifice is that we aren’t regarded according to our flesh, but with His Spirit (2 Corinthians 5:16-17). If a Christian sins, it is evidence that we are still in this world. We can still sin, but what amazing love it is that we can come to Christ and He forgives (see Romans 7 and 1 John 2:1-2). This is great news for us! But this promise of forgiveness is for everyone (“If anyone sins…” - 1 John 2:1). If Christ doesn’t impute trespasses against His bride, then we cannot, either (2 Corinthians 5:19). We cannot define someone by their sin if Jesus has redeemed them.
We wrestle with this, because in our black and white understandings, we think that we have to have justice manifested before we can be merciful. But what if mercy is justice + reconciliation? What if we trusted that God is taking care of the justice (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30), and all we had to worry about is the reconciliation? This doesn’t mean that individuals who have hurtful habits should willy-nilly have free access to our lives. If justice hasn’t been manifested (i.e. consequences, but more importantly, a repentant heart), it isn’t safe to let them in. It is an enablement. But someone who refrains from trusting in the salvation work that Jesus paid for will fail to be reconciled, because they will already lack the freedom that is found in grace.
Mercy is an attitude. Having a merciful spirit frees us to trust that God is continually at work in peoples’ hearts, including those who have hurt us. It means trusting Him to do the just work, and we can focus on reconciliation. We can pray for the ones who have sinned against us (that they can be free from deception, as well as blessing them); we can genuinely interact with them in a kind manner. Finally, and most importantly, we can communicate the word of reconciliation (see 2 Corinthians 5:19-21), because we understand the forgiveness that Jesus gave us. If Jesus had shown mercy to us, and His desire is to show mercy to those who have offended us (and have sinned against Him!), then shall we not be merciful, too?
*In many traditional societies, a person found guilty of adultery had their nose cut-off, as a form of a scarlet letter to let the entire village know what their crime was.