Resolve

Turn my eyes to Jesus.
Soften my heart to Yours.
Break the chains that
Bind me to myself.
Teach me to love You.

Remember the moment
When I knew You to be holy,
And saw my sin?
Return me to that place again,
That I may see 
How worthy You are.

For why should I preach
Your name
If I fail to love others?
If I don't desire You,
Why beckon others should?

Wake up, Church!
Take a resolve!
Make a firm decision
Of what foundation
You want to stand upon.

Turn our eyes to Jesus.
Soften our hearts to Yours.
Break the chains that
Bind us to ourselves.
Teach us to love You.

Claimed

Fear binds this soul
From breathing,
Like a feline
Caught in too much twine.
Like a contortionist
Who forgot to unfold.
The more I dance
The thicker the web weaves.

My purpose misaligned.
Singing old tunes
Based on religious rhetoric - 
I develop my own method
Of salvation, though I still 
Claim Jesus as Lord.

What is this dastardly demon
That deceives me
So queerly and quickly?
Convinces my mind to develop
A twin; but it argues for
Another advocate.
Pressure to please;
Desire to be whole
Constantly at odds.

Rejection's mask removed
Revealing a virus
For more threatening 
Than death itself.
All will be laid in a grave;
However, some die before
They draw their last breath.

Past pain directs future plots.
Settings change, but the themes remain.
Words of encouragement
Become destitute in a moment.
Some claimed to stand beside,
Whereas, others forsook.
Smiles are facades
In the face of a mirror that reveals
The sorrow hidden beneath.

Questions in abundance,
Yet no one answer can satisfy.
For every moment;
For every person who walked away.
For everyone who judged,
And for everyone who was let go.

One certainty is this:
The mind claims faith,
Nevertheless, its twin perpetuates
Grace is never enough.
The feet quicken their pace
As hands rush to bid
A job well done.  Eyes flurry
In worry.  It knows full well
No deed committed by humanity
Completely is wholly.

The Cross forsaken
In the present kingdom;
For a reign whose throne
Had been de-crowned eons ago.
"Righteousness will have its full reward
In the after life."
Severed contentment ushered
In clouds of past and rains
Into the present.  Fear produces
Roots to repeat orphan wounds
Failed to be healed by time.

The earth, in its groaning,
Declares I must become its savior.
One stroke, they hope in me,
In the next, denounce any failure
Detected.  I become nothing.
For without justified effort,
Nor sufficient status,
I am nothing.
Worth identified is meaningless
In the eyes of the law.

But Lord...

You loved me first.
Before my heart began to beat;
Before my mind began to dream.
You loved me, first.
You beckoned Your heart
Be my soul's home.

You loved me first.
When my eyes opened, 
You sang a song in delight.
You loved me first;
You see me.

My victories and failures
Do not escape Your conscious;
Though neither can change your mind.
You fashioned gifts; 
Recognized my lack -
Yet neither will convince You 
To differ how you feel about me.

The hour's beginning tock
Saw my existence form
In the crevice of Your imagination.
You said, "It is good."
By Your Son, I was given a new name.
Your name.
The adoption papers signed
In blood; no return.
I am Yours.

God, You loved me first.
And You will love me
To the last.

Repentance vs. Confession

     “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God has raised Him up from the dead, you will be saved.” - Romans 10:9

     “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.  The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” - James 5:16

     In Christian lingo idioms, words such as repentance, confession, believe, and sanctification get thrown around.  They are related, no doubt.  However, my understanding of these words have been challenged.  The Western perspective doesn’t get the entire weight of what these words meant in the original Greek.  Thus, we supply our own understanding, and minimize the empowerment of grace that is meant to be brought to our lives. 

     Danny Silk, discipleship pastor of Bethel Church wrote a book called Unpunishable: Ending our Love Affair with Punishment (Silk, D., & Bolz, S. (2019). Unpunishable: Ending our love affair with punishment. El Dorado, CA: Loving on Purpose.).  In summation, he discussed that our culture’s desire for punishment is driven by wanting justice.  Nevertheless, we have people who are repeat offenders, not because they fail to confess, but they fail to repent.  He distinguished that there must be a difference between the two, though, they are related.

     Shortly after finishing the book, God had convicted me that there was an area of my life where I have condoned sin.  In reflection, I found that I understood it could be a sin, but I still struggled to be a repeat offender, due to unmet needs.  Getting alone with Daddy, I had to ask what was I truly believing, and why my mind convinced me that this sin wasn’t an issue with Him.

     These questions led me to do a short study, myself, on the topic of repentance, belief, and confession .  These are observations, notes, and thoughts on the subject:

I. Greek Definitions

-Repentance:

*Metanoeo (v.): to perceive afterwards (after implying change, to perceive the mind, the moral seat of reflection) - signifies to change one’s mind or purpose

*Metameloma (v.): to regret 

*Ametameletos (adj.): denotes not being repentant or regretting; to be without change of purpose

*Metanoia (n.): after-thought, change of mind...a change as would reverse the effects of his own previous state of mind.  In Old Testament, repentance is not so much a change of mind or purpose, as out of pity for those who have been affected by one’s actions or when results of actions have not fulfilled expectations.  In New Testament, it involves the turning away from sin and the turning to God.

-Confession:
*Homologeo (v.): to speak the same thing; to assent, to agree, with; confessing by admitting guilt

*Exomologeo (v.): out and intensive, more strong than #1.  To speak out publicly or confess sin, or to confess praise.

-Believe:

*Pisteuo (v.): to believe, to be persuaded, to place a confidence in, to trust and have reliance upon, not mere credence

*Peitho (v.): to persuade

*Pistis (n.): chief significance is a conviction respecting God and His Word

*Pistos (adj.): in the active tense, believing and trusting; in the passive tense, trusty, faithful, and trustworthy

II. Observations [I just looked up verses in my YouVersion app that had words that contained “repentance” or “confession”]

-There are about 3x more verses that use the term “repent” than term “confess”.

- ‘Repent’ is used throughout Old Testament, and also mentioned in New Testament.  ‘Confess’ is used primarily in the New Testament.

-When repentance is mentioned, it often used as “repent and turn from wicked ways”

III. Thoughts

-Repentance in the OT was more done out of pity for the consequence of sin, but in the NT, grace empowers an actual change.

-Repentance meant a turning away from sin, as well as a turning to God

-Confession primarily means agreement

-In the OT, confession was coupled with a form of restitution.  Something had to be done to make things right.  An action (i.e. sacrifice) had to be made.  In the NT, Jesus has already done the work of restitution (our work is to restore relationship with God.

-The NT doesn’t do away with OT covenant.  We still need to repent, but the change that repentance is responsible to make is done with Jesus doing the work, and we agree with His work.

-There is a defined culture that confession (agreeing that one sinned) came with restitution.  As Christians, we must be firstly concerned that our relationship with God is restored (repentance).  (Do we trust that Jesus’ work is enough to make things right?).

-In the Bible, you didn’t confess to something you didn’t believe in your heart

*confess: agree

*believe: to put your confidence and trust in 

-James 5:16 --- It says, “Confess your sins, pray for one another, and be healed.”

*Confess AND be prayed for.  Prayer is by which God is invited and brought into the situation, and able to make the restitution needed.

*It’s not just being prayed for by other people (though, that is included), but the individual, themselves, need to meet with God

- (1 John 1:9) We trust that Jesus does the cleansing work.

-Repent = turning to God.  Cannot truly repent without turning to God.  Repentance is not separate from turning from your wicked ways, but often the two are paired.  

     So, to consolidate what was found in this study...Repentance and confession are two hands to the restitution process when we sin.  When we sin, we break from our relationship with God, first and foremost.  Thereby, when we repent, the first thing we must do is turn our focus on Him.  The next step is turning from our wicked ways.

     This part gets tricky, because many Christians equate doing better morally as resolving their relationship with God.  They will pray more, read more Bible verses, do acts of service.  And yet, they missed the foundational point of repentance.  That we are to turn our eyes to God.  As of Genesis chapter 15, God distinguished that the responsibility of salvation and sanctification would fall on Him, alone.  Any means of practicing rituals - which the intended purpose is to remind us of the Promise of Salvation - as a means of gaining salvation is worthless.  We can only be made clean by Jesus.  

     When we have invited God into our hearts, invited Him to change our hearts, willing to turn from our wicked ways, believing that Jesus is the only way to be whole (putting our confidence in Him, and not in ourselves), then we can confess - agree - truly, that Jesus is Lord.  Confession is supposed to be more than just a statement of fact.  It is supposed to be a condition of “Amen.”

     The unfortunate reality in the American church is that we confess without true belief or repentance.  We agreed to terms of salvation, for fire insurance, but we never invited God to come into our hearts and take charge.  We still depend on our own efforts to get us to heaven and make us right with God.

     Short rant about Pentecostals Many are worried about speaking up about struggles, because they will then “confess” something into existence”.  But, based on the Greek definition, there is a difference between saying one is dealing with something, and totally another to agree with it.  Psychologists have found that it actually is detrimental to the brain to refuse speaking the truth of your emotions.  By refusing to admit the problem, it poisons your body.  By speaking it, you are releasing it (Caroline, Leaf (September 8, 2018.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea8pHeetkgo) .

     In concerning how to deal with my sin, as well as this being a quick format for others...there was one question, I still had.  What happens if my spirit realizes it has done God wrong (as well as perhaps others), but my mind still is convinced that nothing is out of the ordinary?  Psalm 34:7 had the answer.  “Delight yourselves in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart (ESV).”  I am learning to invite God, ask Him to change my heart to align with us.  Confess that I know He is right and Lord, and believe that Jesus’ work on the Cross is enough to make me whole.  True repentance begins and ends with God.  That is where we must run when we sin.

The Problem with Being a Good Person

I would consider myself a good person.  Yeah...Looking back on my life, I could say that I never did anything too bad.  I’m not like other sinners.  I’ve never smoked, got drunk, slept around.  Never killed anyone.  Didn’t steal from a store.  I’m a good person.  Maybe that’s the problem.

     If someone were to ask me, “What did Jesus save you from,” the truth is, I might have a harder time pinpointing something, because I can so easily show how good I am.  My journey with Christ is more described chapter by chapter; season by season, rather than a complete turn around.  There are pivotal marks such as “praying the sinner’s prayer” or “making my faith my own.”  However to describe my faith, the longer I walk with God, the more I find how much I need Him.  I have come to the realization that I am not as good as I believe.  Nevertheless, it is amazing how quickly I can admit my trust in God, and within moments, throw myself into a confidence of my own ability.  

     This is not only a problem.  This is a conscious decision that has dangerous - eternal- ramifications.

     Most of humanity doesn’t fail to meet Jesus due to a lack of recognizing they have badness inside of them.  It is due to a lack of recognizing their own goodness is nothing compared to the goodness of God.  Society is bent on proving oneself.  We aim.  We strive.  We fall.  We try again.  Doing the same thing over and over.  Pushing ourselves to add more effort every round, in hopes to gain the approval of God.  Maybe He’ll be proud of my intent to do good.  Yet, it doesn’t do any good.  After failing once more, we sit, surrounded by the sin that entangles us.  The more we try, the more wrapped and chained we become.

     We don’t know where to stop.  We don’t know where to begin.  Because we are still convinced that we are somehow good enough to earn the pleasure of God’s smile...if just given the opportunity (wait...make that opportunities) to do so.  Yet, the prophet, Isaiah clearly stated, “But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; we all fade as a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away (Isaiah 64:6, emphasis added).”

     Wait.  All of us?  Not surely me.  I’m good.  I’ve done good things.  I’m involved in ministry.  I worship Jesus.  I’m a good person, right?  Right?

     We know that humanity is not perfect, however, we struggle to agree that no matter how many good deeds we commit, it is outweighed by a single act of sin.  A single act of doing something wrong.  We like being fair.  As Americans, we like our sense of democracy.  Er go, we enjoy majority rules.  We apply this to our spirituality by attesting that if we accomplish more good deeds than bad, then our salvation must be secured.  

     However, we are not taking into account that flawed, good-intentioned humans are interacting with an all-holy, all-righteous, and perfect God.  This morning, in my devotions, I read about how David brought the ark home back to Jerusalem.  At one point, the oxen carrying the ark stumbled, and Uzza, a soldier, ran up to steady the cart.  In touching the ark (which symbolized the actual presence of God), he died.  I wondered if it could be possible that Uzza just came into the presence of God, and it overwhelmed him physically, that he died.  Yet, the Bible says that God’s anger was aroused at Uzza (see 1 Chronicles 13:5-12).  Whatever imperfection Uzza had in his life; what sin that was not repented for according to the Law encountered God’s holiness and was found wanting.  Something that we, American New Testament, grace-filled Christians don’t like to acknowledge is the God we worship is holy.  And He requires complete righteousness to stand before Him.
    Former President George W. Bush once said, “We judge individuals by their actions.  We [desire to] be judged by our intentions.”  The irony is that God judges both.  He looks at our actions.  And yet, even if we are doing good things, with the wrong motives, He calls them sin.  I was taking a walk out by the high school and reflected on the 10 Commandments.  At first glance, I have done well by them.  However, when I remembered that Jesus quoted, “But I say to you…”, I found myself not in the image I originally portrayed myself.

The Commandment (see Exodus 20:1-17)	Jesus Checking Internal Motive	How I Have Broken it, Personally
I am the Lord your God	Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only (Luke 4:8)	I have put my interests before what God would want, even when I knew that God wanted something different.
Have no idols		When I have put people on a pedestal; when I believe someone’s words to have more weight than what Jesus has said.
Do not take the Lord’s name in vain		When I have flippantly put God into a phrase, but there is no reverence tied to it (did this here and there as a kid).
Keep the Sabbath day	Man was not created for the sabbath, but the sabbath was created for man (Mark 2:27).	Refusing to take a day of rest from work.  Becoming a workaholic, and focusing every break time to my job.
Honor your father and mother		My mom and I fighting when I was a teen.  Being argumentative.
Do not murder	Hatred in your heart = murder (Matthew 5:21-22).	I have become so angry that I struggle to forgive.  Essentially, I begin to hate the person who hurt me (or hurt people I love.)
Do not commit adultery	Looking at an individual with lust in the heart (Matthew 5:27-28).	Navigating attractions, along with my sense of need to be loved, I have blurred lines in my mind that certain things are okay, when they are indeed not.
Do not steal		Cheating on a test, as a kid...basically, stealing the answer.
Do not lie		I did this a lot as a kid.  Recently, I have found that I can be prone to twisting words, or lying, when I fear getting in trouble.
Do not covet		Becoming envious after someone.  Usually tempted to do this when I compare myself to someone.

    Paradoxically, it doesn’t just take the re-specified measures that Jesus made the commandments to know that I broke the Law.  Going down the list, I can affirmably state that I have broken EVERY single one.  Forget James’ direction that if you break one, you break them all...I HAVE BROKEN THEM ALL (see James 2:10)!  Analyzing situations where I have sinned, I also found that other commandments were tied and broken in the process.  These commandments were often interrelated.  
      Up front, I would call myself a good person.  I haven’t killed anyone.  Haven’t slept around.  I’m not like other people.  I’m not perfect, but bad?  Initially, I wouldn’t say so.  And yet...in God’s sight, my righteousness (or what I think I can attest) is as filthy rags.  About a year ago, I taught a lesson to my youth group called, #Nasty.  It was an object-based lesson showing rags of different levels of red dye on white cloths.  

     One was bloodshot; one was slightly splattered, the last had barely any drops.  I proposed the question: “On a scale of 0-10, how nasty do you think you are?”  I continued on with the lesson, describing my father’s testimony (which included alcoholism and sleeping around before marriage), followed by my testimony.  I announced my “big” sin as fighting with my mother.  Finally, I stated, “In God’s eyes, my rebellion against my mother was just as nasty a sin as my father’s alcoholism.”  It got so quiet that you could hear a pin drop.

     We often see our own “goodness” when we compare ourselves to others.  But we will see our depravity when we compare ourselves to God.  The problem with “good” people is we have forgotten the complete goodness of God, and continue to justify what righteousness we think we have.  In doing so, we, like many of the Pharisees, fail to repent and trust in Jesus, because we see no need for it.  We love Jesus minutely, because we believe we have been forgiven minutely.

     We essentially cheapen Jesus’ sacrifice, because our sin was not that much to pay for.  

     We are convinced that we can earn our own salvation.  Or tied to our old traditional, worldly ways, we believe we should have to be the ones to earn our salvation.  Usually the former gives way to the latter, at some point.
    We are left with knowing there is a God, but webbed in an instinctual heartache of pursuing performance over grace.  Jesus’ sacrifice is big enough for hell, but our adoption as children of God remains a title to be earned.  There is a battle in the mind.  We know our sin is great enough to require penance.  But we have transitioned our minds to fully accept the truth that salvation has nothing to do with us, save for receiving a free gift. 
    When we finally recognize our sin, we go into overall mode, and push ourselves into “good works”, to relay our confidence, once again, in ourselves. Rather than what God did for us.  There are three ways Christians reflect on what Jesus did at the Cross.

    We can uphold our own goodness.  Forgetting that our sin, as “small” as compared to others, we run into a mode of pride.  We exalt God’s goodness, confess it in our hearts and actions. We are confident in our righteousness.   However, we become legalistic and push others to get it right with God, as well...as fast as we did.  We don’t understand why others struggle with sin or stumble with lies.  We equate knowledge and easy follow through as having a relationship with God.  

     We can go to the other side of the spectrum.  We suddenly become utterly aware of our sin.  We are apologetic, and rightly so.  Somber about what Jesus has done, we then become consumed in seeking to please God. We are driven by shame.  Striving to do our best, we act more as a servant than as a son.  Still yearning for love, we equate good works with proving our love to God.

       The third position is, however, the most healthy.  In my opinion, the perspective that God wishes we would take.  We have a repentant heart.  We turn to Him, but as grateful as we are for salvation, we also rejoice in the title He has for us: child.  He allows us to call Him “Daddy”, as well as “Lord”.  Our souls perpetuated by joy, we are excited to share about Christ, because of what HE has done in our lives. 

    Here is the key feature about salvation.  It was never about us.  In the three ways to respond to Christ, two still, imperatively, trust their efforts will put them right with God.  But our efforts could never save us to begin with!  Why would we think that we could continue the work of sanctification in our own strength, when our strength wasn’t enough to give birth to it?!  When it comes to the discussion of faith, we must learn to rely on Jesus, rather than ourselves.  Our goodness - no matter how much or how little you think you have - will never be enough.

     As hopeless a statement that may sound (to be told you will never be good enough), the truth is, accepting such a clause frees you to receive Jesus’s free gift, by faith.  If you are convinced that you have to prove yourself to the Lord of everything; to be in good standing with the Creator of all things, then your hands are too full to grab onto what He has for you. 
    Below this blog, I have a list of references for a personal study.  But may I clue you in on something?  The people who received Jesus’ gift by faith did so without proving their own righteousness.  The ones who justified their own efforts to meet God walked away never meeting Him at all.  

     When we are told to leave securities or forsake the things that we find our identity and worth in, we will either find that Jesus is enough, or we will walk away.  We may admit the existence of God; we can even confess that He is good, but if we never stop trusting in our own riches, we will lose track of Jesus and walk away from the eternity He has for us (and arguably, away from salvation, as well). 
    God loves you!  

     Let me rephrase: GOD loves you!  God LOVES you!  God loves YOU!  If you are like me, you may have lived your life trying to figure out why nobody cares for you, or why your efforts aren’t enough to gain the affirmation you so desire.  Wondered if all you are good for is what you do.  And yet...God sees you, loves you, and wants you to become His child.  It wasn’t about how good you are.  It never was.  He knew He was the only one who could redeem you from your sin and make you His own.  So, He put the responsibility on Himself to do just that.  

     Will you stop trusting in your own ability; your own righteousness?  Will you believe that God is more than enough for you...and that is okay?  Come to Him and rest in His grace.

For further study, check out the following topics/verses:

*Matthew the Tax Collector (Mark 2:18-17; Matthew 9:9-13; Luke 5:27-32)

*More than Sacrifices (Hosea 6:6; Micah 6:6-8)

*The Rich Young Ruler (Mark 10:17-31; Matthew 19:16-30)

*Parable of the Tax Collector and Pharisee (Luke 18:9-14)

*Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1-10)
*Woman Caught in Adultery (John 8:1-12)
*Woman Washes Jesus’ Feet (Luke 7:36-50; Matthew 26:6-13)
*Galatians 1:1-3:29

Faith to Believe Part 2

      

Pastor Kent, from Busby, MT, was sharing his testimony of healing at IYC.

     In 2017, he found out his kidneys were shutting down.  He was put on dialysis, and it was a long and rough process in the time-being.  At night, he had to be hooked up to a machine to filter his wastes, and he was continually tired.  There were moments he was angry and didn’t understand why God would allow this.  The doctors tested for a kidney match, and nothing came through.  Until early of 2020.  There was a kidney match in Colorado, but Pastor Kent was notified that there were two individuals before him.  Kent’s wife, Jamie, was told by a friend, “This kidney is his.  I know it!”  Later another call came.  The first two in the list fell through.  The hospital asked, “Can you be here, tomorrow?”  The family packed up.  Jamie’s job collected money - enough to pay for all the expenses, except for food.  And in February, Pastor Kent Burnette had a new kidney, and was able to get off dialysis.  The family looks back on this surgery as a complete miracle, as within a month, the COVID crisis hit the nation (which would have prohibited Kent from having the surgery, due to health risks).

     He finished telling his testimony with, “I know that God can heal you, too!”

     An unexpected small tension built in my stomach at the hearing of that phrase.  Later that afternoon, I found myself asking God while running, “Daddy, am I at a point where I am finding it hard to celebrate with others when they have been healed?”  Almost 30-years-old, and my hand remains the way it always has been.  I still have to take medication for a seizure disorder that began when I was 11-years-old.  There have been moments where God has moved, but overall, I am reminded how things have stayed the same...even after being prayed for by a group of people.

     How can I admit this?  I’ve been a long time Christian, and even help in ministry...And yet, the secret I carry is that I struggle with doubt when it comes to physical healing - primarily my own.  I will jump to pray for others.  However, I am increasingly hesitant to allow others to pray for me.  With every prayer, and every lack of result, it is only an added stab to my heart.

     I was able to get excited hearing Pastor Kent’s story.  However, when he added that God can heal me, that’s when my heart became hurt.  And it’s something that for most of my life, I’ve had to carry alone.

     A couple days after Pastor Kent’s testimony, our team was going deep into worship.  I was just sitting, when an elder came to me.  “Let me see your hand,” she said.  “The Lord is going to give you understanding for things that you had questions.” [Oh crap!  Here came the tears - BIG TIME!] “You haven’t told many people, but He has heard you.  You are not forgotten.  You are right where you need to be.  You are going to be a wise woman.” 

     She was right.  I haven’t told anybody my fears and apprehensions when it comes to my personal healing.  There was one lady on Facebook I shared some of my questions, but that was mainly because she, too, has the same questions.  I have struggled to have faith...and yet, I have kept it to myself, mainly, because I know I should have faith.  What would my friends and family think, for having this doubt?  Do they know what it is like to wait for a promise for their entire life?  And yet...to this day, my hand remains the same.  

     The pain.  The questions.  It is real.

     And yet…

     God knows the questions I have asked in the dark.  He is aware of the hurt I bear.  And as alone as I feel with this burden, He has always been there with me.  Despite all the wonderings I have attempted to navigate, it has never changed how He sees me.  The following night, God told me, “I see you as whole.”  Aside from living with cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder, my greatest battle amidst it all is how I have seen myself with a disability.  I have seen myself as broken.  However, God sees me as whole.  

     I chose to look deeper at 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (my least favorite Scripture in the Bible).  I noted four things:

1. The thorn in Paul’s flesh was originally a messenger of Satan
2. Paul asked for the thorn to be removed, but was refused
3. He had since learned that he would have exalted himself, if he didn’t have it in his life.  
4. He became more dependent on God’s strength than on his own.

     How does this apply?  The stroke that caused the disability was not from God.  He is not sadistic in wanting us to be hurt.  However, in not opening my right hand to look like the other...I am faced to observe my personal motives of being exalted.  Honestly, I would like to be the “hero”, the “main focus”.  By exalting myself, nevertheless, I fail to exalt God.  Furthermore, I know that I would depend on my own strength, rather than on God’s.  Trust me.  I’m good at being independent.  And it has gotten me into trouble when I fail to seek God for His assistance.  

     There is another pastor, from IYC, Dean Buffalo.  He, too, has cerebral palsy.  A businessman once asked him why God hadn’t healed his hand (although Pastor Dean was healed from brain damage).  His reply was: “Because God is his right hand.” Pastor Dean has learned that he is able to rely on God’s strength.

     On the last day of camp, I had two epiphanies.  

1.  I have held onto the expectation that God must prove His goodness to me by healing me on earth.  This is partially why I have felt frustration in this situation.  Will I trust that God continues to be good, even if the way that I desire He heals me is different than how He actualizes it?  
2. Most importantly - if I had a choice, what would I choose?  Would I rather be healed from CP/seizure disorder, and no longer depend on God to be in my life, or would I rather still have my hand as it is, and continue to depend on (and love) God throughout my life?

     Don’t get me wrong.  I would love to have my hand opened.  But never at the expense of walking away from my God.  I’ll choose the latter.