The Battle After the Victory

     

     Ironic, isn’t it?  I accomplished an amazing personal goal, and yet, the moment I came home, I started battling again.  Only this time, it wasn’t tests of brute strength, but of a mental enduring caliber.  I could even feel it creepy on the way home. 

     I overreacted at work.  Later, I felt like I pushed a friend away, and thus, in both situations, I despised myself for not being what I should be.  Or what I think I should be.  Moreover, I became repulsed at the matter that I DO know better, and yet, I wasn’t reflecting that knowledge.  I could feel the hatred turn into anxiousness and depression as I internally felt panicked in situations, overly self-reflective, and was even tempted to call in sick from work.  Even on the day of our class field trip.  I was so tempted to wallow that I was willing to miss an amazing day with my students.  I didn’t want to go anywhere.  I just wanted to hide and disappear.  At least until I fixed everything.  On the good end, I forced myself to go to work, even when I mentally didn’t want to.  Furthermore, the issues that I had this week have been dealt with and forgiven.  Now, I am left with this battle after the victory.  Why do I continue to have to go through them, and how can the fight I went through bring growth, rather than scarring?

     At least since I was in high school, I struggled with anxiousness and depression.  Self-harm was a fun accompaniment too.  (Just kidding.)  The worst part was that I knew God, and even would speak encouragement to friends and family, and yet be at war within myself, against myself.  I am almost 28 years old, and I still find myself becoming overly anxious.  WHAT…THE…HECK…is the deal!?  And so, I get on myself for seeing what I am called to be, and failing, according to that standard.  For knowing what I can be, and yet, not being that.

     As the week progressed, I wondered if I was the only Christian who has been in my position.  Who, in the Bible (cause, we all know that seeing some of the screwballs in the Bible can provide the greatest encouragement to use in our own screwups) dealt with depression?

     Elijah.  The prophet who grabbed Baal by the balls and prayed down fire and spat in the devil’s face easily became depressed.  Seriously… and even within after a victory, he was pity-partying inside a cave (see 1 Kings ch. 18-19).  Elijah had just executed the prophets of Baal, but at the word of the king running to Jezreel (where the queen sat), he decided to make his home in a cave.  An Angel asked him what he was doing, and Elijah’s reply was, “Lord, take my life, I am no better than the others (19:4)!  I have been zealous for the Lord God of hosts…I alone am left, and they seek to take my life (19:10).”  God’s response?  He took him to a mountainside and showed a great wind, earthquake, and fire…yet, nothing was there.  However, after the fire, there was a still small voice.  And it told him to go back.  It also encouraged him that he was not alone, as there was a reserve of Israelites who stayed faithful to God. 

     I am not the only one.  It is some encouragement.  And yet, it isn’t where I want to stay.  But this is a battle…or perhaps it is a war for me…that I keep fighting.  I wish I could be done with it by now.  I wish I no longer had to need help in this area.  I wish I wasn’t struggling anymore. 

     Paul…and his thorn in the flesh.  If there was one disciple that I would see had gotten it right, it would’ve been him.  And yet, he is the one who said that he sometimes did the bad he ought not to and failed to do the good he ought (see Romans 7:19-20).  Furthermore, he took an interesting perspective of this thorn.  It was uncomfortable in the least, painful at the most.  Yet, he said,

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelation, a thorn in the                    flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.                Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might be taken from me.                  And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in              weakness.”  Therefore most gladly I would rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of                Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in              persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2                        Corinthians 12:7-10).

     I wish I could be done with this war called “Depression”.  And yes, there is a part of my faith, I believe in complete restoration and deliverance of strongholds of the devil.  However, it is as if -even if I come up against it and don’t gravel – it is still being presented.  If only we could just stop having these fights…but the Christian walk is not the absence of struggle.  Adversely, it usually means the presence of struggles, because ever since the day we said, “Yes” to Jesus, the devil had a mark on our heads. 

     And Paul is thankful for his struggles?  For that thorn in the flesh?  Yes.  Because its presence means that he still is dependent on God to get him through whatever life may bring.  I wonder…if I no longer was in need for anything…if I already arrived at the point that I mean to be, would I feel the compulsion to go to God in my life, anymore?  If I am no longer in need, would I then need God?  Of course, I am human, but I could easily be tempted to think that I have this under control, thus, I wouldn’t ask for help from the One that I should be pulling my strength from in the first place. 

     I always read 2 Corinthians 12:9 as an encouragement that God would bring my strength, with the hope and perspective that God will somehow finite the struggle and there would be at some point in my life I would be done with it already.  However, this is the first time, I read that verse in its context.  And Paul isn’t saying that he somehow arrives to the solution and never struggles again.  Rather, he says that the thorn was left – even after asking God to take it away! – so that he may not be exalted above measure (i.e. pride) and continues to be dependent on God. 

     Is it possible (I don’t say that God is the author of this depression, for He indeed is a good father, and not abusive) that He may allow the battles, because He knows it is in those moments that I will learn to depend upon Him with greater resolve?  During  the uncomfortableness and pain, God is using what was meant to harm me to actually grow me.  I am reminded of people going into surgery.  Taking a knife to the body will cause damage, and yet, in its cutting the flesh, it opens a way for healing to come to the individual.  God is not the author of pain, but what pain comes, He can direct its direction so that it may bring restoration rather than harm. 

     So, what is my resolve?  I continue to get up.  I learn that it is good to be in need for God and allow myself to feel my need for Him.  And when that pain comes…RUN TO HIM.  A couple months ago, I asked God to teach me how to be in need.  And now I am finding that He is highlighting areas in my life in which I still try to keep control, haven’t given it over to God, where I still believe lies of the enemy, or I continue to hold onto things that He is wanting me to let go.  He is answering my prayer, but it has been painful.  But it is a pain by which it will prune and grow me.  That is the hope I hold onto. 

v   

“I Need You”

We talk of grace – how overwhelming it is,

So, then why when the doors close,

I sink into the mud of despair?

I know the truth, yet I

Struggle to walk it out.

Speaking words of faith, but believing

Something totally different.

I need You more than the breath I breathe.

I need You more than songs can sing.

I need You more than any love

I could ever get.  I need You!

I’ve been broken and bruised,

I’ve been jaded and confused.

Set my eyes on You, Jesus.

I’ve been cut and ashamed,

I’ve learned to hate

The me I see,

Renew my mind, Lord!

I need You more than the breath I breath.

I need You more than songs can sing.

I need You more than any love

I could ever get.  I need You!

This thorn in my flesh

Meant to drive a wedge

Will become the persuasion

To run to the Holy of Holies.

Forgiven, not forsaken;

Your grace immeasurably

Envelops me if I could just rest. 

No matter the times I fall,

Or the amount of blows…

Count the times I have been shot down –

I will get up.

I will not give up.

For, if I look back and see how far I’ve come,

How can I turn away?

    

            

"Teach Me How to be in Need"

     It's been a hint most of my teen and adult life.  I not only struggled with self-esteem, but rather a pride.  I like being strong, and yes, part of it stems from the physical challenges I faced, due to living with cerebral palsy.  However, something transferred to the rest of my logical senses, in which I learned to never voice concern or my thoughts when I have a need.  If by chance, I did so, it is because the person I let in to see a weakness is one of few who get to see that. One is HIGHLY trusted, if they see me at my weakest, because I don't like to let on. I never liked being weak.  And to some extent, I was taught that to ask for help was a bad thing.  Never taught directly; it was more of passive learning.  But the lesson was drilled and rooted, nonetheless.  It has caused complications, however.  I can become isolated,  because I don't want to burden someone with what I am thinking.  Either too much, too heavy or too weighty.  I refrain from asking for practical help, because I don't know how to ask for assistance from people I don't know.  Frankly, I don't want to bother them.  Lastly, I will hold my tongue when I have a personal care, because I don't want to cause friction.  And in my past, there were moments that when I brought up my thoughts on a topic, and it was already determined that I was wrong.  The women in my family also dealt with this similar belief.  I know that it's a lie.  And I want it to be broken.  I know that if I deny having needs, or acknowledge them, but do not seek assistance, I am left to supply for my needs on my own...when I know I cannot.

I have been told to never be in need.

To ask for assistance is to show weakness…

And I wouldn’t want that, would I?

No, not defined by the formation of my hand,

But rather the uncomfortableness

Of vulnerability’s kiss

Means I must risk the gift of grace…

Or the threat of its rejection.

I was informed that I must remain strong.

I have been warned to never be a burden.

Hands and voices crying for help is an

Annoyance that one should not bear.

To bring an alternative perspective

Is to be argumentative;

To be in disagreement is to be disobedient.

I have learned to keep my trap shut

In order to keep the peace

In an effort to please the ones I love. 

I have learned to roar in the name of the needs

Of others, but to speak for myself, I dare not.

I wish to but I refrain, because I fear

When I utter the inward cry,

I will be rebuked…turned away…forgotten.

So, in the hours where I need to feel weak,

That a Savior may come to my rescue,

I create a shell of visible strength

To cover the shameful hurt

I want no one to know.

I know that it’s pride choking me;

I know these are lies, but they penetrate

My mind to the point they appear as truths.

Frankly, the fire of vulnerability

Burns more until You have refined me, Lord.

I am tired of being strong.

I am tired of holding the perfect stance

In order to carry all those around me,

But refuse for Another to carry me simultaneously.

I am tired of not letting tears flow freely,

Because they are not accepted in the eyes of society.

I know I am in need, and I am weak.

O God, I need You to be my strength.

Teach me how to be in need,

Even when the world shakes their head.

Help me to surrender it all,

Though others stare, shame and scold.

Teach me how to be weak that You may hold me.

Teach me how to be in need

And to be okay with it…

I am not a burden.

I am loved. I am cherished.

I am in the palm of Your hand;

You delight when You see my face.

Here I am…in all my flaws, needs and weakness.

Nothing compares to be seated

In the presence of Your glory. 

The Son's Dance

      

Growing up, I always had an interest in learning about different cultures, specifically what they believed traditionally.  Furthermore, how could I share the Gospel knowing the traditional customs.  Within the last couple of years, I have come to know about the Sun Dance, and been trying to figure out a story by which I can share Jesus.  Technically, there is no longer a Blackfeet version of the Sun Dance; they have adopted the Sioux version for generations. 

     The Sun Dance, as was explained to me a couple years ago, is a dance done, primarily by men.  Precluding the dance, the man who will be completing the dance must make a series of vows and fulfill them, that they may be pure enough to dance the Sun Dance.  Once the vows have been fulfilled, the man can dance.  The arrangement of the dance is a middle pole connected to several surrounding poles.  Two ropes with bone piercings hang from the middle pole; the man is then pierced through the chest and is to dance until the piercings are ripped out (if a woman takes part in it, she is pierced through the back-shoulder muscles).  Considered a very sacred ceremony, it is considered uncultured to take any pictures or video of a Sundance.  The significance of the middle pole is its representation to connect with the Creator, and thus, to dance is to connect oneself with the maker of all things. 

     So…my brain started swarming with ideas…how do I share about Christ and what He has done, knowing one of the traditions?  The following is a “traditional” story of Jesus’ salvation retold, retelling the purpose of the Sundance.  Some parts and names of the story are substituted to fit a traditional style, but I hope that it can give a little picture of what the Gospels relay in the life of Jesus.  My hope in this is not to offend any of my Native friends, especially those who are traditional. And I do not wish to offend seasoned Christians in how the story is told. My hope is that all people of all nations may know that Christ came to die for them, and that they may fully know the Creator God and all that He is.  I am reminded of Hebrews 10:1-18, as I wrote this, and if there was a question I would ask a traditionalist after reading this story, it would be, "If you knew Jesus fulfilled the purpose of the Sun Dance, would you still feel compelled to complete the dance yourself?"  With that, here is my story….

     Long ago, the Creator existed and made the world.  He spoke it into being…the land, the water, the animals all were formed with a word of His mouth.  The Creator then walked upon the earth, grabbed the dirt and formed the first man.  He breathed His own life into him and was pleased.  Thus, began the race of men.  First Man and First Woman had a strong connection with Creator, and would walk with Him in the cool of every day.  
     As time went on, Coyote, who is known as the trickster, introduced himself to First Man and First Woman.  He questioned the things Creator had directed man to do.  He deceived them, and convinced them to do things as they desired, rather than what Creator wanted for them.  In result, the connection that First Man and First Woman had with the Creator became broken.  They, nor their children, nor the children of their children’s children, could walk with the Creator freely anymore.  Their lives were shortened.  The earth, too, felt death. 

     But Creator was heartbroken.  He did not like to be separated from His creation.  He was angry at Coyote for tricking His children.  So, He directed specific traditions and customs for the people to follow.  He also created a Sun Dance so that First Man and First Woman’s children could be connected with Him. The setting for the dance included a middle pole surrounded by twelve poles, all connected with an open roof.  Two ropes would hang from the middle pole, with bones. The bones pierce the man’s chest, and the man must dance until the piercings rip from his chest.  The man who will dance the Sun Dance would have to complete several purification vows.  This is to be a sacred dance, and any man (or woman) who does not purify himself before completing the dance will be in object with the Creator, for not taking to heart the holiness of who He is.  And so, anyone who dances must be pure when coming to connect with the Creator.  This was the custom as directed; and this was the custom that continued through the generations.  It has been practiced and continues to be practiced to this day.

     Several snows ago; the white man states 2,000, a boy named Walks Low to the Earth came to this world.  He walked upon this earth and was just and good.  He treated all the people in His tribe with kindness.  He was from a humble home, and yet as Walks Low to the Earth grew, He did not act as other men.  Where others were drawn away from the customs of the Creator by Coyote’s words, He refused each and every time.  Walks Low to the Earth performed miracles.  Where there was sickness, He touched, and they were healed. Where the crippled laid, He met them and they walked.  Where the dead slept, He spoke and their spirits returned to their bodies. Walks Low to the Earth spoke as with an authority that was not His own.  He challenged the people to think upon the motives, not actions alone, behind the traditions that Creator set before them. Many sought the company of Walks Low to the Earth.  Some for what He could do; others guarded their hearts, not knowing what He would say. 

     The time came for a man to be asked to complete a Sun Dance.  Walks Low to the Earth readily stepped up.  As the elders looked upon Him, they questioned the reason for it, as according to the purification vows, He had already proven that He fulfilled them.  Walks Low to the Earth said, “I still must do this.”

     “But in all that we have seen in you, since you were a child, you have shown yourself to already be connected with the Creator,” said the elders.

     “I still must do it,” replied Walks Low to the Earth.  With that, the elders consented, and set a day for when the Sun Dance would be performed.  Excitement drew near, as the time of the Sun Dance was to be done.  But as the nights closed, Walks Low to the Earth became more weary.  His friends became worried.  “Why are you sorrowful, brother?  The Sun Dance is a good thing. It will be a joyous time.”

     “Yes, it will be…for what comes from it,” He said.  “Then why are you so sad?” His friends asked.  Walks Low to the Earth could only reply, “There will be a dark night, before the dawn rises.”  His friends only became more confused as they asked more questions.  The animals were also concerned.  They talked amongst themselves and wondered who would speak with Him.  “I will,” said Buffalo.  Beaver also wanted to go with him.  So, Buffalo and Beaver went to Walks Low to the Earth.  “Why are you sad, brother? The Sun Dance is a good thing.” 

     “Yes it will be…for what comes from it,” said Walks Low to the Earth.  “We do not understand, brother,” Beaver stated. 

     The Man plainly stated, “How much blood must be shed before Coyote has his fill?”  Buffalo and Beaver became confused and left with sad hearts, not knowing what to think or say.

     The morning came for Walks Low to the Earth to complete the Sun Dance.  He said a silent prayer to Creator, and walked to the middle pole.  The elders took the bones and pierced His chest.  Walks Low to the Earth danced.  He danced and danced.  He continued to dance even when He should have stopped.

     “What is He doing,” the elders asked among themselves, “He is to be done by now.”  One spoke aloud to Him, “You have fulfilled the Sun Dance!” (They said this, because even though they agreed to let Walks Low to the Earth dance the Sundance, they still quietly believed that He did not need to.)  Walks Low to the Earth danced as if He heard nothing.  Another began to mock Him.  “What is He trying to prove?  Does He think He is better than us!?”  Still, Walks Low to the Earth danced.  He  danced until His feet no longer were strong, and His arms could no longer carry.  The bones did not rip from His chest, and He hung there, breathing deeply.  It was visible that His life was leaving, and His spirit would be gone, soon.  His body bloody, all that poured out from His wounds was water.  With one last sigh, Walks Low to the Earth breathed His last, and closed His eyes.

     His mother walked to Him, put her cheek to His nose to feel His breath.  She screamed, “He is dead!”  The elders came over and unhooked the bones from Walks Low to the Earth's chest.  His family carried His body to a tree and prepared for His burial.  They lifted it above the branches, and wrapped it in a buffalo robe.

     The entire tribe was in confusion and in mourning.  Coyote came to visit, and in a playful grin, expressed a half-hearted condolence.  “Shoo, Coyote!  We are not ready for any of your tricks.  Mourn with us for our brother or leave!”  Coyote left, still smiling.

     After the third day of Walks Low to the Earth’s death, eagles were seen flying near His body.  His mother and friends wondered what sign this might mean.  They ran to Walks Low to the Earth’s body.  But when they came to the place where His body was wrapped, it was not there.  His mother and friends frantically looked around them.  The eagles then sang, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? Do you see that He is not here?  Go, and tell everyone that He has risen!” 

     They ran back to the village, with a wind they never before had felt.  In the background, some say they heard the mournful howl of Coyote.  As Walks Low to the Earth's mother and friends reached the village, they shared the news and the people decided to make a feast, to share in the good news.  While they sat down, a stranger whose face was covered, asked to sit with them.  “You may come in,” an elder said.  “We are celebrating the life of one of our friends.”  As the stranger sat, he removed the covering over his face.

     “Walks Low to the Earth!  It is really You!  You are alive!!!”

     “Yes, it is me,” He replied.  “But my name is no longer Walks Low to the Earth.  The Creator gave me a new name, and it is Creator Walks With Us.  It is so good to see you.” All the people and animals sat, ate, and laughed.  After a little while, a boy walked up to Creator Walks With Us, and asked, “Why did you danced until you died?”

      The room became quiet.  The boy’s mother shushed him, and motioned him to leave Creator Walks With Us alone, and apologized for his question.  “No, that is okay that he asks.  It is good for children to ask and want to understand.  For generations, the Sun Dance has been done in order for the individual to be connected to the Creator.  But I had been born, already connected to Him.  It is true that I did not need to dance.  But I did so…to the point of death, that My blood would not just bring Myself to the Creator, but all of our people.  And not for this tribe alone, but for all tribes on the earth.  And not for this generation alone, but for all generations that will come.  I died that you may live.  I died that you no longer would fall for Coyote’s tricks and be disconnected from Creator.  The One who made you loves you and wants you to walk with Him.  But that could not happen due to the impurities in man.  So I, who is Creator clothed with skin, came down to earth that I may walk with you…again.  My blood was spilled and seeped into the earth.  New life has been given.  And all who believe in My name will be able to walk with Me forever.”

      To this day, Coyote still runs to and fro through the earth to deceive First Man’s children.  But with Creator Walks With Us’s blood flowing, and His spirit breathing within us, Coyote’s tricks are not so deceptive. We hold onto the promise that we can live in the heavens with Creator, someday. The Hebrews call Him Emmanuel or Jeshua.  In English, His name is translated as Jesus.  It is by His name that we believe and are saved from our sins.  It is by Him that we can walk side by side, with our Creator God. 

I'm Mourning the Loss of Two Students

     Last Tuesday, a former student of mine died in a car accident.  Later I learned that he was hit by someone, in the early hours of the morning.  The next day, I found out that another former student was at fault, alcohol was involved, and they may have done it deliberately.  The family of the first student stated that, while in court, the second student laughed while listening to charges, and was given a bond.  No case, as far as I know.  Another casualty of the present law enforcement team considering the dire situation of a death way too young to be experienced.

     I am in mourning for the student who passed away.  He was only 20-years-old.  A life ahead of him.  A friend noted to me, that he was in the works to be shooting for a movie.  But now, I will be going to his funeral, rather than renting a Red box DVD where is one of the characters.  I have always said that I would rather go to my kids’ weddings, than to their funerals.  But that is not the case, right now.

     But I am also in mourning for the second student.  How does a parent feel if one of their kids were killed by their sibling?  In some context, that is how I feel.  It would be different if the first student was killed by someone random, however, that is not the case.  The nature of the two knowing one another makes us all question, “Why?”  And alcohol is not enough of an answer.

     Lastly, I mourn for the family.  And in the mourning of the death of one of my former students, I find myself grieving for a deeper reason.  Since the news of my student’s death, social media has lit up crying out for justice…but with a voice that resounds of vengeance.  As a family member said, “I want [the killer] to feel the same pain [they] caused.”  I understand the pain.  I understand the sorrow.  I understand the anger, but I’m leery to jump and take sides, because I know there are offenses on all margins. 

≈

     “…Mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13)”

     Note: The Bible doesn’t state that mercy triumphs over justice.  I do believe that the student who is at fault should and needs to be held accountable for their actions.  There does need to a thorough investigation, and a trial, prosecuted with an upstanding court.  However, at the end of the day, whether the case comes or not, can the one who is guilty of murder be forgiven?  Forgiveness seems like an outrageous solution, considering all that has been done.  “A life for a life, right?  They are without remorse; let them feel the pain they caused!”  Nevertheless, I hope that the family can forgive the one at fault for their boy’s death.

     What if the second student had a personal, hidden offense that drove them to do this?  I am not justifying the action.  I am only trying to show that an offense left unattended, and a hurt left alone without the grace of Christ will only fester.  Jesus even said that if you hate your brother, you already committed murder (Matthew 5:21-22).  Why is this?  Because a hatred eventually leads to murder of some sort, whether it be through slander (murdering someone’s reputation) or physically (killing them).  Point is, whatever offense that the second student may have had, whether it was perceived or actual, I hope that they can learn to forgive the person who is now dead.  Furthermore, I fear the sense of hate might stir someone to do what had been done to them.  I hope not. 

     However, I hope both the family and the murderer can experience the forgiveness and love of God.  This is where I am going with all of this.  According to God, sin is sin.  If we commit one sin, we’re guilty of them all (James 2:10)!  We are the ones who put weights and measures on certain actions, trying to portray our own justification and righteousness.  “If we have a reason, then it was okay to do.” However, that isn’t the case, because when we hold onto offenses…even the worst of ones committed (i.e. abuse, murder), we may drive ourselves to continue the cycle of murder, rather than halting it.  We become the very thing we are fighting.

     But if I remember how much my own sin grieves God…no matter how “little”, how can I hold onto the sin of the one who hurt me?  If God forgave me, could He…better question, would He forgive them?  Second Peter 3:9 states that God doesn’t want anyone destroyed, but rather that all would come to repentance.  Yes.  God wants everyone – the good, the bad, and the plain ugly to come to know Him, and to be forgiven of their sins.  He desires that none would perish.

     The irony of holding onto grudges and wishing pain on the enemies who have hurt me is that if they were to pay the same price that they made me feel (even unto death), I probably will not be satisfied.  Granted I won’t be.  Reality is, I could wish someone harm for their offenses, but in truth, I just wish they were sorry.  To add salt to a wound is to be without remorse.  And a death without an apology can leave a desire perpetually unfulfilled. That is what hurts the most, and I realize, aside from receiving the body of their son/brother/uncle/friend, it is that the one who began all this pain, Tuesday morning, is not apologetic.

     May I argue that forgiveness is not a substitute for justice?  As I said before, I believe that the one at fault should be held accountable.  Forgiveness does not mean that you are not allowed to feel.  It’s okay to grieve over a loss, to be angered over the cause.  What is forgiveness?  It is letting go, and letting God, as the old proverb states.  It is allowing Him to do the work that only He can do, and trusting that He will right the wrong.  It is learning to let go of the expectation that your joy is dependent upon their repentance.  It is loving a person who deserves all the hatred in the world, rather than wishing them hell.  Forgiveness is the letting go of a debt that has eternal implications.  It, in as of itself, also impacts more than the temporary.    

     I pray for comfort and healing for the families.  I pray that mercy can be shown to the guilty.  I pray that my second student does become remorseful, but in such a way that leads to repentance, rather than a sorrow that leads into a dark shame.  I have lost one student to death, but there is time for the second to find redemption.  Even if the freedom is found only in their soul, behind physical bars, I still desire for that freedom.  Lastly, I want Jesus Christ’s name glorified in this painful situation. Whatever death that Satan meant to stir up, it ends here and now.  Amen.

Death, Have You Forgotten?

Dear Death,
The more I sit and think

Upon the waste that you have laid;

The more I see the devastation

Wrecked among my people;

The more I have to combat

Thoughts and imaginations set

To destroy peace,

The more tears flow

A seething anger birthed in coals.

How dare you keep spewing your poison?

How long do your words whisper in ears,

Speaking - meant to deceive

Feeding the itching entertainment of the mind,

Bringing the countenance of the young into despair?

How long must you drive the attention of our souls,

Masking our remembrance of the One who created us?

How long will your bitter words grow dead things

By which the fruit remains in the grave?

How many of my children must fall prey?

Tears wretched as Jack Daniels, Mary Janes, Crystal M and Rx

Sit at the table pouring into their psyche, as they hope

The emptiness they feel will be drowned in a moment.

Bruises hidden, imprints of fists and ears wracked

As yelling is a form of communication and control.

The late hours become a playground, as they are forgotten

By the ones who birthed them. Innocence has been removed

In the most intimate of ways.

Girls are missing without a trace…

No trail publicly used to hunt the perpetrators. 

As dusk draws nigh, futility tempts the end to become a friend.

Death, how long will you forget

Two-thousand years ago

You were already declared dead?

Your power was ripped from your hands!

And yet, your broken chains still hold

Bound the people meant to be free!
But by one word, you are rebuked. 

By one word, the threat of your grasp cut.

By one word, you are defeated.

And that one word is a name.

And the name is JESUS.

Dear Jesus,

We need You. 

 Sometimes I lose the words to pray,

So hear the utterings of my groanings.

There is a pain that has persisted

Across generations.  The time has come,
We ask for it to stop. 

I ask for addictions to become suffocated;

I ask for abuse to be swallowed;

I ask for suicide to hang itself. 

But what is there to fill our souls,

If we do not have You?  O God,

Breathe in us Your everlasting life.

Remind us that our traditions

Fail to save.  Philosophy not built

On the foundation of Christ

Will crumble.  Deliver us

From the darkness that entangles.

Forgive us the idols we carry.

Jesus, I ask that You would become

The desire of our hearts. Holy Spirit

Stir a yearning, by which the Living Water

Quenches the hunger we bear.

A new creation, Christ in us

The hope of Glory.  Old things have gone,

Make this nation new!  Heal my people.

Bring Your salvation to persistent curses,

So that our future may be blessed.

 Lastly, Daddy, for my children:

Be the secure arms that hold them in love

Speak to them gently, and yet firmly affirm

The Truth of who You are and what You have done.

My heart aches, and I wish the sting would be no more.

They are not alone, and I ask that You remind them.

Cradle them, and yet, I ask that You would be

The craving of their souls, rooted and established

Abounding in the Life that You ransomed for them.

Death, be no more.

Have you forgotten

Two thousand years ago,

You were declared dead?

In Jesus, you have been rebuked.

In Jesus, the threat of your grasp has been cut.

In Jesus, you have been defeated.

JESUS REIGNS IN THIS PLACE!!

Your power was ripped from your hands!

Your chains broken will no longer bound those freed!

I Am Not a Replacement (A Youth Leader's "Rant")

     “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” –Proverbs 22:6

     As I address this topic, I must confess that I am speaking from three different angles.  I speak as a teacher, where once my goal has been to educate students on the three R’s (writing, reading, and ‘rithmetic) now has been to address other social, behavioral, mental, and emotional needs of students.  I speak as a youth leader in church, finding myself being a second parent to many of my students.  I also speak as a child whose Biblical principles were seeded, primarily by youth group than at home.  I admit that this is a subject I have found a growing frustration, and the only way to address it is to speak about it.  Even if, at this time, it is just writing.  Perhaps I will talk on this, at a later time.  I will be writing from the latter two perspectives.  However, I admit that I am speaking from experience, as well as addressing things in the Bible. 

     Over the course of this summer, I began to get stuck on what was going “wrong” with the youth.  This is a typical scene for youth group; not just ours, here in Browning.  We have our students sit in a circle…some try to pull out their cell-phones, or silently talk to their neighbors.  None have brought a Bible.  Few are focused on what we, the adults, are trying to share, but most seem to be zoned out.  We have been speaking a certain subject primarily, for a few months now…and it seems like our kids aren’t getting it.  I know that we aren’t speaking in a foreign language, and we are trying to share the gospel in the plainest of terms, as possible. 

     As I took time this summer to pray, I found a direct correlation to how our kids have been in youth, and how their parents are concerning church attendance, activities, and living out their faiths in their communities.  There is a direct parallel with most families, spiritually speaking.  If parents do not attend church, or are known to be wishy-washy, so will the teenagers.  If the parents are digging in the Word, I have noticed that the kids will too. 

     Here on the Rez, we have so many kids running around on their own.  They are without any supervision, and are allowed to stay late with their friends.  They do not go to sleep at a specific time.  I do not mean to abrade parents, but there are many of our youth who go off, without their parents’ knowing, and do whatever their impulses or desires drive them to do.  Before we go on, I want to make this clear.  What I am discussing is not just a reservation or Native issue.  Any person in America can find this to be an epidemic:  children are left to their own.  It’s something that has plagued ‘Christian’ homes spanning generations and different cultures.  Even Charles H. Spurgeon had to address it in one of his own sermons (he lived in England, during the 1800s). 

     He once stated, “He is a bad preacher who does not commence his ministry at home.  The heathen are to be sought by all means, and the highways and hedges are to be searched, but home has a prior claim, and woe unto those who reverse the order of the Lord’s arrangements.  To teach our children is a personal duty; we cannot delegate it to Sunday school teachers, or other friendly aids.  These can assist us, but cannot deliver us from the sacred obligation (original emphasis).”

     Here is the epidemic found within the church walls:  parents are leaving their sacred obligation of teaching their children about Christ to the Sunday school teachers and youth leaders/pastors.  And perhaps it isn’t such a surprise, because there are many parents who leave their own faith walks to be completed by their [lead] pastors.  They themselves only get spiritually fed once a week, and expect that the timely word on Sunday is enough to nourish until the next time the pastor preaches. 

     I do not want to disregard my position as a youth leader.  Nevertheless, parents/guardians hold a level of influence that I do not, because they are the primary caregivers of and examples to our youth, and they spend the most time with them.  I may spend two to four hours a week with my teens.  If I happen to be their teacher, a little bit more.  Yet, I will not have the level of influence a parent has.  Surely, I have an important role as a youth leader.  Sharing about Christ with teenagers while the anxiousness of school, home, and hormones are raging is an immense and a weighty call.  Yet, I am not a replacement for Christ being shared in the home.  You are the ones who provide food, shelter, and clothing for them.  You are the ones who have the ability to talk with them.  Yes, my job as a youth leader is important, but help in making sure that what we have said is rooted in their hearts.  Please don’t wait until your kids have moved out of the house, or find themselves in a dire circumstance, before you suddenly become concerned  with their spiritual well-being.

     I have observed that there is such an inconsistency in peoples’ walks with Christ.  Some praise on Sunday, but throughout the week, live a different way.  Some don’t come at all.  Perhaps some of the parents dig in the Word, but fail to invite their kids to learn with them what the Bible has to teach concerning a specific situation, and pray with them.  Some parents are going after God, but have in-avertedly left their children to fend for their own spiritual well-being.  

     I want to make it clear that this isn’t about works.  One’s relationship with Christ is not determined by how many chapters one can read in the Bible, how many church services one can attend in a week, or how long one’s prayers are.  The crucial component of a relationship with Jesus is that you are taking time to be with Him, and allowing His grace to transform your heart.  Are you truly letting Him be Lord of your life?  And commonly, how parents walk out their faith, so will the kids.  Monkey see, monkey do.

      For whatever you do, the kids have a reason for doing it as well.  Whatever you don’t do (yet tell them to do), they will find an excuse for them not to do.  And that excuse?  “Because my parents don’t.”  Why should they follow after God, if you aren’t?  I remember when I was a kid, my parents had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to cuss.  However, I was allowed to watch films that swore, and my parents swore, as well.  So, at the age of eight, I came to the conclusion that if they could, why couldn’t I?  So for a week, I would cuss under my breath.  Not in front of my parents, of course, because then I would get in trouble.  However, I wonder how it would have been different, if the standard was raised where I was not allowed to encounter that, thereby, making it more grounded that it was not allowed.

     I understand completely that parents in the church are desiring the best for their kids.  They, though they may struggle with walking out their faith, will still direct their kids to do so.  I understand, because that was the case in my home, growing up.  My parents became Christians when I was five and six years old.  I was involved with kids’ activities such as AWANA, and later youth group.  We went to church on Sundays.  They enrolled me in a private Christian school, for the duration of my junior high years.  However, by the time I was in high school, I realized that things weren’t all that it should be. 

     We had dysfunction.  We didn’t communicate.  If we had issues, we yelled at each other. Then the silent treatment was given. Sometimes, we spent time together, but on a day-to-day basis, everyone was in a separate room, entertaining themselves. If my parents were fighting, I suddenly became the middle-man, and had to be the messenger between them.  I was observant; which came in handy, because I could explain to my dad why my mother was upset, depending on certain actions done or words said.  If there was a spiritual head, it was me.  I was the strength in my family when fights blew up; I was the glue that kept us together when my pastor died of leukemia; I was the one who counseled my parents in how to deal with issues.  We were a Christian family, yet, struggling to live as one.  There was an inconsistency from the Sunday service to the rest of the week.  For me, as a teenager, it was hard.  I struggled with things, but because my parents weren't grounded in the Word (like I was), I felt like I could not go to them (aside from the issues I was already struggling with, with one of my parents).  Spiritually, I felt like I couldn’t depend on them.  There were times I found moments that I could go to youth leaders in the church, but honestly…I had wished that I could go to my parents. 

     We need parents to be going after Jesus.  Our kids and teenagers need their parents to be going after Jesus (and also take time to show them how to go after Jesus…don’t just seek after revelation, and fail to teach your kids the revelations God is giving to you).  Parents are the primary provider in showing what it means to follow after Christ.  No matter the past of the parents or the education they had received – they are the ones whose obligation is to be the primary teachers to children in how to know God.  In Proverbs 22:6, it says, “Train up a child in the way they should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  As a youth leader, I try to do this the best I can.  I love your teens, and give them the best advice and wisdom I know how to.  But this isn’t limited to church leaders!  You are the greatest influence on your children’s lives! 

     In my community, there are many issues we presently struggle with; addictions to alcohol, drugs, and/or gambling.  There are many cases of broken families, abuse, and neglect. There have been generational curses set forth, from the painful histories of the boarding schools.  Nevertheless, those curses can be broken, and they begin in the home.  Your home.  When Joshua was leading the nation of Israel out of the wilderness, he challenged them to follow after God.  “Now, therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in sincerity and truth…And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve…But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  -Joshua 24: 14,15

     As for me AND my house.  Not just for me…not just for my house.  All of it.  I encourage you, that maybe God has just been a side-thought.  Know that God is real, and is the God of the world!  Creator of all things!  Turn to Him and repent of your sin, and receive His forgiveness.  Give your hearts to the Lord, and bring your families with you.

     To the parents that bring your children to church with them, seem to be eating up the Word, yet are inconsistent in the manner of disciplining their children to follow the Lord.  Don’t think of discipline as punishment; to discipline is to teach.  There are parents who praise Jesus all over Facebook, yet do not take a regular effort to know God themselves.  Please take heed!  You may desire your children to go after Christ, but if you do not, most likely they will not.  (I know that my story seems like it can be possible, but the truth is, my story is not the norm.  Most relationships with Christ are very much parallel comparing the parents with their children.  On rare accounts do they differ.)

     Maybe you are the parents that do dig in the Word…all the time.  But if you do not share with your kids about what God has been doing in your hearts (or discuss what was said on Sunday), lives, as well as their lives, how will they understand that God is real in the part of life where Sunday church isn’t present?  Sermons may be preached on Sundays, but parents carry a vital role in showing day-to-day how those sermons can be specifically applied. 

     I know I sound harsh.  Perhaps judgmental and pointing a finger.  I already admitted that part of my writing this has been due to some frustration.  However, this frustration is due to my heart burning for my teenagers to know Christ, as well as their whole families.  My angst comes from knowing the brokenness that has sustained itself within our communities, and passionately wanting to see its end.  When the jailer came to know the Lord, he made a point that not only he was saved, but so that his whole family would be too (Acts 16:31).  Hear my heart:  I want to see a redemption that spans across generations.  Yes, for my youth in True Life and for their kids, and grandchildren.  But I also wish to see Redemption do its work in the former generations…that is you.

     And it is possible.  Perhaps, after reading this, you realize that you haven’t been going after God like you should have been.  Perhaps, you feel like you may have wasted time.  Maybe there are other things that have taken precedence in your life.  Be assured!  Our God is a merciful God, and abounding in forgiveness, when you come to Him.  If you still have breath in your bones, there is a chance to make things right with Him.  Maybe you aren't knowledgeable about the Bible, like a pastor.  That's okay.  You weren't called to be a pastor; you were called to be a parent.  Just get to know God, and train up your kids in His will. If there is breath in your lungs, you can start a new chapter with your kids.  Even if your kids have moved out of the house, you can still have an influence on them, in a godly way.  The time and season for direct influence is over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start praying for them.  And prayer works, no matter where you, or they, are.  In the midst of allowing God to work in your life will also prove to be an example.

     Now, from personal experience, when my parents would apologize for the things they had done, and when they started to walk more after Christ, I was slightly skeptical.  I stood-off emotionally, secretly wondering how long was this going to be.  Were they going to go back to their old habits?  Don’t become offended.  When you decide to change your normal, it will be weird at first.  But as the weird becomes more common, it will become the new normal eventually.  Jesus continually transforming your life will be evident in the time to come, and your life will bear witness and influence in your family.

     My family is beginning to bear witness, too.  My mother who seemed to be off-put when I spoke about Jesus, will excitedly engage in a conversation when I describe some of the ministry opportunities that have occurred.  My dad is growing in getting in the Word.  My brother is paying more attention to what God has to say, and focusing on Him more.  And, in reflection to my growing up years, I must admit that as much as things weren’t perfect, as much as they have had their faults, they aren’t failures as parents.  I have since realized that though they hadn’t gone far (according to my expectations of what they should have been doing), they did teach me some valuable things about going after God in the midst of our family chaos.

     My mother is immensely hospitable, and thinks of others above herself.  She has always resorted to prayer when things go array.  When a student had gotten in a car accident, and I called crying, her response was, “Laura, now you need to be praying for her.”  My dad has very practical wisdom, based on the Bible, even if he couldn’t specifically tell you what verse to go to.  He also would direct me to take every opportunity to dig into the Lord.   I remember one time, I was grounded from youth group.  The following week, I felt like skipping youth group, but my dad forced me to go, because he did not want me to get out of a habit of going.  Here’s the thing.  My parents are a definition of successful parenting, and this is why.  They desired to have their children go after the Lord, and despite where they presently were, their kids have gone further and deeper than they could have dreamed.  My dad once commented, “How did I get so lucky to have two great kids?”  I replied, “Because we have put Jesus in the center of our lives.”  My parents did a work of seeding God into our hearts, and with time, it has borne great fruit.

     Before I finish, I want to talk to the youth, lastly.  Perhaps your parents don’t go to church, or maybe they do, but are inconsistent.  Perhaps they are hypocritical.  Go after God, anyway.  Take time on your own to get to know God.  You cannot use your parents’ mistakes as an excuse for not going after God.  You cannot claim your parents’ godly relationship with God, as your own.   Every single person is held accountable for themselves for making Jesus Lord of their lives. 

     For those who lack the support in having godly parents:  I know that there may be a hurt or resentment.  Forgive them anyway.  Drop the expectations you laid on their shoulders, because here is the truth.  No parent is perfect.  This does not excuse the behavior or mistakes your parents may have made.  However, if you expect them to act a certain way, while they are not in a spiritual place to meet that expectation, you will continually be offended.  Once I let go of the expectations I placed on my parents, I then saw God moving in their hearts.  Many credit their testimonies to a praying parent.  Some praying parents began as praying children, and that can be you.  Even in your youth, you can be an example to your families to follow after Christ.  Lean on Him, and share the hope you have found with your siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  Though you are young, you can be a light.  Take hold, and go forth.