Saturday, June 23, 2018

"Enough is Enough (I am His!)"

     This poem was written back in 2013.  However, as I was cleaning my apartment, I came upon an envelope filled with notecards, and this poem, stating prayer requests I had five years ago.  Not all have been answered (yet), but it is amazing to see how much God has been working through my life, nonetheless.  This poem, for instance, was written in a time when I knew that my identity was supposed to be grounded in Christ, but all the other voices kept shouting at me.  Five years later, and there will be moments when I am tempted to believe the lies of the enemy, however, I am quicker to run to Jesus and remind myself of the truth.  Here is the poem, in case it needs to be shared, at some point.



References: Romans 8:11, 15-17, 28-31; Ephesians 1:3-11; Isaiah 62:3-5; 2 Timothy 2:21; 2 Corinthians 5:17-21

I am tired of standing in front of the mirror
Measuring perpendicular and finding faults in myself.
I am weary from running to my room with tears
Streaming down my cheeks; I keep the matter close.
My secret: "There is nothing about me I could boast."

I try and fail.  I try and fail.
It seems like I want to make everyone happy,
But...I don't make the cut.

This is where I am going wrong.
Every day I do something to be nagged.
Every day, my being has something to lack.
I want to please people-I won't lie.
I would rather not have enemies.

But it's taking its toll.
I race to the left to show off my "stars",
Yet knowing that at the right, I must impress again.

I am fed up with believing lies
Daily spoken in my ears.
If only I could just cup my hands
Over my thoughts.  Then maybe I could run
Away from the discouragement.  It needs to be done.

How long am I going to wade it out
Before I say enough is enough?
How long before I finally stand strong on my Rock?

I read His Word and it speaks life,
But soon enough the devil speaks
Death and I am so quick to believe.
What is wrong with this picture?
Don't I know who I am?

If I know that the enemy lies,
Why buy into his deception?
Promises have been proclaimed over me.

It is now time to own my heritage!

Today is the day I look into the mirror
And understand who I truly am.
The wolf has no more permission
To converse with me.  I am shutting the door.
The windows are boarded.  I say, "No more!"

Today, I put a stop to your blabbering
That has caused so much hurt and pain.
Though you've whispered that I'm worthless.
I had enough of you.

Enough is enough!

Enough of you trying to cheat me 
Out of my treasure.
God has already declared me a pleasure.
Enough of you holding me back;
I am letting God do what He wills.

For it was before the first day of time
Did my God see my face.
And even in the end, I will still be in His hands.

God does not let go.
Nor will He ever stop pursuing His beloved.
And devil:  I am His beloved!
He chased after me and captured
Me, no longer my heart will you batter.

Because I am a woman of worth.
I am a beauty who is purposed.
Your greatest curse is defeated by heaven's smallest blessing!

So, shut up, Satan!
I am tired of your filthy lies.
They will diminish as you die.
For you have been defeated - 
Christ has already won the war!

I will stand on the destiny God has declared.
I will be His desire, running after my Daddy's heart.
I hold in my hand His grace, mercy and favor.

I will let You, Jesus,
Take hold of the pain that resides in me
And heal it...help me to forgive it.
Jesus, I will let You take hold of my resentment
And teach me to forget my temperament.  

I am not willing to pass down these hurts
To future generations.  You bless and are a blessing.
I grasp onto Your truths so tightly...

And I will not let go.

Enough is enough.
I will remember what You have called me
And called me to be.  I will declare Your freedom
Over me...over others.

When the days roll in where I start believing
I am nothing,
And the tears start pouring, remind me that I am stunning
In Your eyes.
Speak Your life when death is all around.

For he is cunning, and has trapped me
Many times in my life.  I ask You, Lord
To whisper louder and cover me with Your wings.

I am not going to cower in a corner.
And though I have pitied myself,
A spark has been lit, a button pushed too often.

Anger is growing inside.
For how dare the enemy speak against me?
Doesn't he realize that I have been justified?
Who can stand against me?  Doesn't he know 
That he cannot stand against God as a foe?

Devil - do you not comprehend that as God's creation,
I am priceless?  Boy, you have undervalued
A masterpiece of heaven!  Your words that have caused so much hurt
Are ready to fail
And burn.
Because I am going to look in the reflection
And know who I truly am, who I belong to.
I am God's, and you have nothing on me.

I once was enslaved and broken,
But now my chains are cut and I am whole.
I was depressed, but I met the Comforter.
I was dead, but I met the Resurrector.
Lost in pain, but I met the Healer.

So, Satan - I am His!
Stop toying with me!
Stop screwing with me!
I know who I am;
My identity is founded on the cross.

Don't say another word.

I am the daughter to the Most High.
I am the branch to the Vine.
I am the forgiven with the Prodigal Father.
I am nothing; I admit it.
But Christ's blood redeemed me through grace,
And now I am so much more.

I am anointed - purposed and with a calling.
A minister to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus' love,
A royal priest and worship leader who praises the Creator
And gives Him glory.
A prophet to declare God's Word to His people.

I have been adopted,
Not because I chose God, but because He chose me.
I am a created "tour de force", beautiful.
Clay purposed as a vessel by the Potter.
Now a life with meaning.

I am not the Great I AM.
I will not dare claim that.
But I certainly belong to Him.

Do not touch me.

Or else...  

Monday, June 18, 2018

Until You Say, "Yes"

Why can't it be now?
My stomach bubbles in excitement.  
I wish it could be now...
To see his smile, to hear his voice.
Could it, please, be now,
And yet, You say, "No".

It's not for today.
It's not for tonight.
It is for another dawn,
So God, help me to wait. 
Make me steadfast,
To hold onto Your promises
Until You say it's time...
It's time to say, "Yes."

My joy would overflow,
If it was now.
Yet my happiness can't depend -
Not now, or ever -
On a man.
How do I reconcile this longing
When the blessing is for another hour?

Let's be honest here.

If I was able to hold his hand,
I may forget to hold Yours.
If I was allowed to kiss his lips,
I would fail to talk to You,
Face to face.  Now I see
Why I must wait...
Before he can steal my gaze,
You first must be loved in my soul.

This promise will come.
It's not now, but it's not never.
Patiently steadfast,
Eyes fixed on You, now and forever
Until and when You say
It's time to say, "Yes", Jesus.




Saturday, May 12, 2018

The Battle After the Victory

     

     Ironic, isn’t it?  I accomplished an amazing personal goal, and yet, the moment I came home, I started battling again.  Only this time, it wasn’t tests of brute strength, but of a mental enduring caliber.  I could even feel it creepy on the way home. 

     I overreacted at work.  Later, I felt like I pushed a friend away, and thus, in both situations, I despised myself for not being what I should be.  Or what I think I should be.  Moreover, I became repulsed at the matter that I DO know better, and yet, I wasn’t reflecting that knowledge.  I could feel the hatred turn into anxiousness and depression as I internally felt panicked in situations, overly self-reflective, and was even tempted to call in sick from work.  Even on the day of our class field trip.  I was so tempted to wallow that I was willing to miss an amazing day with my students.  I didn’t want to go anywhere.  I just wanted to hide and disappear.  At least until I fixed everything.  On the good end, I forced myself to go to work, even when I mentally didn’t want to.  Furthermore, the issues that I had this week have been dealt with and forgiven.  Now, I am left with this battle after the victory.  Why do I continue to have to go through them, and how can the fight I went through bring growth, rather than scarring?
     At least since I was in high school, I struggled with anxiousness and depression.  Self-harm was a fun accompaniment too.  (Just kidding.)  The worst part was that I knew God, and even would speak encouragement to friends and family, and yet be at war within myself, against myself.  I am almost 28 years old, and I still find myself becoming overly anxious.  WHAT…THE…HECK…is the deal!?  And so, I get on myself for seeing what I am called to be, and failing, according to that standard.  For knowing what I can be, and yet, not being that.
     As the week progressed, I wondered if I was the only Christian who has been in my position.  Who, in the Bible (cause, we all know that seeing some of the screwballs in the Bible can provide the greatest encouragement to use in our own screwups) dealt with depression?
     Elijah.  The prophet who grabbed Baal by the balls and prayed down fire and spat in the devil’s face easily became depressed.  Seriously… and even within after a victory, he was pity-partying inside a cave (see 1 Kings ch. 18-19).  Elijah had just executed the prophets of Baal, but at the word of the king running to Jezreel (where the queen sat), he decided to make his home in a cave.  An Angel asked him what he was doing, and Elijah’s reply was, “Lord, take my life, I am no better than the others (19:4)!  I have been zealous for the Lord God of hosts…I alone am left, and they seek to take my life (19:10).”  God’s response?  He took him to a mountainside and showed a great wind, earthquake, and fire…yet, nothing was there.  However, after the fire, there was a still small voice.  And it told him to go back.  It also encouraged him that he was not alone, as there was a reserve of Israelites who stayed faithful to God. 
     I am not the only one.  It is some encouragement.  And yet, it isn’t where I want to stay.  But this is a battle…or perhaps it is a war for me…that I keep fighting.  I wish I could be done with it by now.  I wish I no longer had to need help in this area.  I wish I wasn’t struggling anymore. 
     Paul…and his thorn in the flesh.  If there was one disciple that I would see had gotten it right, it would’ve been him.  And yet, he is the one who said that he sometimes did the bad he ought not to and failed to do the good he ought (see Romans 7:19-20).  Furthermore, he took an interesting perspective of this thorn.  It was uncomfortable in the least, painful at the most.  Yet, he said,

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelation, a thorn in the                    flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.                Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might be taken from me.                  And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in              weakness.”  Therefore most gladly I would rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of                Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in              persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2                        Corinthians 12:7-10).

     I wish I could be done with this war called “Depression”.  And yes, there is a part of my faith, I believe in complete restoration and deliverance of strongholds of the devil.  However, it is as if -even if I come up against it and don’t gravel – it is still being presented.  If only we could just stop having these fights…but the Christian walk is not the absence of struggle.  Adversely, it usually means the presence of struggles, because ever since the day we said, “Yes” to Jesus, the devil had a mark on our heads. 
     And Paul is thankful for his struggles?  For that thorn in the flesh?  Yes.  Because its presence means that he still is dependent on God to get him through whatever life may bring.  I wonder…if I no longer was in need for anything…if I already arrived at the point that I mean to be, would I feel the compulsion to go to God in my life, anymore?  If I am no longer in need, would I then need God?  Of course, I am human, but I could easily be tempted to think that I have this under control, thus, I wouldn’t ask for help from the One that I should be pulling my strength from in the first place. 
     I always read 2 Corinthians 12:9 as an encouragement that God would bring my strength, with the hope and perspective that God will somehow finite the struggle and there would be at some point in my life I would be done with it already.  However, this is the first time, I read that verse in its context.  And Paul isn’t saying that he somehow arrives to the solution and never struggles again.  Rather, he says that the thorn was left – even after asking God to take it away! – so that he may not be exalted above measure (i.e. pride) and continues to be dependent on God. 
     Is it possible (I don’t say that God is the author of this depression, for He indeed is a good father, and not abusive) that He may allow the battles, because He knows it is in those moments that I will learn to depend upon Him with greater resolve?  During  the uncomfortableness and pain, God is using what was meant to harm me to actually grow me.  I am reminded of people going into surgery.  Taking a knife to the body will cause damage, and yet, in its cutting the flesh, it opens a way for healing to come to the individual.  God is not the author of pain, but what pain comes, He can direct its direction so that it may bring restoration rather than harm. 
     So, what is my resolve?  I continue to get up.  I learn that it is good to be in need for God and allow myself to feel my need for Him.  And when that pain comes…RUN TO HIM.  A couple months ago, I asked God to teach me how to be in need.  And now I am finding that He is highlighting areas in my life in which I still try to keep control, haven’t given it over to God, where I still believe lies of the enemy, or I continue to hold onto things that He is wanting me to let go.  He is answering my prayer, but it has been painful.  But it is a pain by which it will prune and grow me.  That is the hope I hold onto. 


v   

“I Need You”

We talk of grace – how overwhelming it is,
So, then why when the doors close,
I sink into the mud of despair?
I know the truth, yet I
Struggle to walk it out.
Speaking words of faith, but believing
Something totally different.

I need You more than the breath I breathe.
I need You more than songs can sing.
I need You more than any love
I could ever get.  I need You!

I’ve been broken and bruised,
I’ve been jaded and confused.
Set my eyes on You, Jesus.
I’ve been cut and ashamed,
I’ve learned to hate
The me I see,
Renew my mind, Lord!

I need You more than the breath I breath.
I need You more than songs can sing.
I need You more than any love
I could ever get.  I need You!

This thorn in my flesh
Meant to drive a wedge
Will become the persuasion
To run to the Holy of Holies.
Forgiven, not forsaken;
Your grace immeasurably
Envelops me if I could just rest. 

No matter the times I fall,
Or the amount of blows…
Count the times I have been shot down –
I will get up.
I will not give up.
For, if I look back and see how far I’ve come,
How can I turn away?
    


            

Monday, April 2, 2018

"Teach Me How to be in Need"

     It's been a hint most of my teen and adult life.  I not only struggled with self-esteem, but rather a pride.  I like being strong, and yes, part of it stems from the physical challenges I faced, due to living with cerebral palsy.  However, something transferred to the rest of my logical senses, in which I learned to never voice concern or my thoughts when I have a need.  If by chance, I did so, it is because the person I let in to see a weakness is one of few who get to see that. One is HIGHLY trusted, if they see me at my weakest, because I don't like to let on. I never liked being weak.  And to some extent, I was taught that to ask for help was a bad thing.  Never taught directly; it was more of passive learning.  But the lesson was drilled and rooted, nonetheless.  It has caused complications, however.  I can become isolated,  because I don't want to burden someone with what I am thinking.  Either too much, too heavy or too weighty.  I refrain from asking for practical help, because I don't know how to ask for assistance from people I don't know.  Frankly, I don't want to bother them.  Lastly, I will hold my tongue when I have a personal care, because I don't want to cause friction.  And in my past, there were moments that when I brought up my thoughts on a topic, and it was already determined that I was wrong.  The women in my family also dealt with this similar belief.  I know that it's a lie.  And I want it to be broken.  I know that if I deny having needs, or acknowledge them, but do not seek assistance, I am left to supply for my needs on my own...when I know I cannot.




I have been told to never be in need.
To ask for assistance is to show weakness…
And I wouldn’t want that, would I?
No, not defined by the formation of my hand,
But rather the uncomfortableness
Of vulnerability’s kiss
Means I must risk the gift of grace…
Or the threat of its rejection.
I was informed that I must remain strong.

I have been warned to never be a burden.
Hands and voices crying for help is an
Annoyance that one should not bear.
To bring an alternative perspective
Is to be argumentative;
To be in disagreement is to be disobedient.
I have learned to keep my trap shut
In order to keep the peace
In an effort to please the ones I love. 

I have learned to roar in the name of the needs
Of others, but to speak for myself, I dare not.
I wish to but I refrain, because I fear
When I utter the inward cry,
I will be rebuked…turned away…forgotten.
So, in the hours where I need to feel weak,
That a Savior may come to my rescue,
I create a shell of visible strength
To cover the shameful hurt

I want no one to know.
I know that it’s pride choking me;
I know these are lies, but they penetrate
My mind to the point they appear as truths.
Frankly, the fire of vulnerability
Burns more until You have refined me, Lord.

I am tired of being strong.
I am tired of holding the perfect stance
In order to carry all those around me,
But refuse for Another to carry me simultaneously.
I am tired of not letting tears flow freely,
Because they are not accepted in the eyes of society.
I know I am in need, and I am weak.
O God, I need You to be my strength.

Teach me how to be in need,
Even when the world shakes their head.
Help me to surrender it all,
Though others stare, shame and scold.
Teach me how to be weak that You may hold me.
Teach me how to be in need
And to be okay with it…

I am not a burden.
I am loved. I am cherished.
I am in the palm of Your hand;
You delight when You see my face.
Here I am…in all my flaws, needs and weakness.
Nothing compares to be seated
In the presence of Your glory. 

Saturday, March 31, 2018

The Son's Dance


      
Growing up, I always had an interest in learning about different cultures, specifically what they believed traditionally.  Furthermore, how could I share the Gospel knowing the traditional customs.  Within the last couple of years, I have come to know about the Sun Dance, and been trying to figure out a story by which I can share Jesus.  Technically, there is no longer a Blackfeet version of the Sun Dance; they have adopted the Sioux version for generations. 

     The Sun Dance, as was explained to me a couple years ago, is a dance done, primarily by men.  Precluding the dance, the man who will be completing the dance must make a series of vows and fulfill them, that they may be pure enough to dance the Sun Dance.  Once the vows have been fulfilled, the man can dance.  The arrangement of the dance is a middle pole connected to several surrounding poles.  Two ropes with bone piercings hang from the middle pole; the man is then pierced through the chest and is to dance until the piercings are ripped out (if a woman takes part in it, she is pierced through the back-shoulder muscles).  Considered a very sacred ceremony, it is considered uncultured to take any pictures or video of a Sundance.  The significance of the middle pole is its representation to connect with the Creator, and thus, to dance is to connect oneself with the maker of all things. 
     So…my brain started swarming with ideas…how do I share about Christ and what He has done, knowing one of the traditions?  The following is a “traditional” story of Jesus’ salvation retold, retelling the purpose of the Sundance.  Some parts and names of the story are substituted to fit a traditional style, but I hope that it can give a little picture of what the Gospels relay in the life of Jesus.  My hope in this is not to offend any of my Native friends, especially those who are traditional. And I do not wish to offend seasoned Christians in how the story is told. My hope is that all people of all nations may know that Christ came to die for them, and that they may fully know the Creator God and all that He is.  I am reminded of Hebrews 10:1-18, as I wrote this, and if there was a question I would ask a traditionalist after reading this story, it would be, "If you knew Jesus fulfilled the purpose of the Sun Dance, would you still feel compelled to complete the dance yourself?"  With that, here is my story….

     Long ago, the Creator existed and made the world.  He spoke it into being…the land, the water, the animals all were formed with a word of His mouth.  The Creator then walked upon the earth, grabbed the dirt and formed the first man.  He breathed His own life into him and was pleased.  Thus, began the race of men.  First Man and First Woman had a strong connection with Creator, and would walk with Him in the cool of every day.  
     As time went on, Coyote, who is known as the trickster, introduced himself to First Man and First Woman.  He questioned the things Creator had directed man to do.  He deceived them, and convinced them to do things as
they desired, rather than what Creator wanted for them.  In result, the connection that First Man and First Woman had with the Creator became broken.  They, nor their children, nor the children of their children’s children, could walk with the Creator freely anymore.  Their lives were shortened.  The earth, too, felt death. 
     But Creator was heartbroken.  He did not like to be separated from His creation.  He was angry at Coyote for tricking His children.  So, He directed specific traditions and customs for the people to follow.  He also created a Sun Dance so that First Man and First Woman’s children could be connected with Him. The setting for the dance included a middle pole surrounded by twelve poles, all connected with an open roof.  Two ropes would hang from the middle pole, with bones. The bones pierce the man’s chest, and the man must dance until the piercings rip from his chest.  The man who will dance the Sun Dance would have to complete several purification vows.  This is to be a sacred dance, and any man (or woman) who does not purify himself before completing the dance will be in object with the Creator, for not taking to heart the holiness of who He is.  And so, anyone who dances must be pure when coming to connect with the Creator.  This was the custom as directed; and this was the custom that continued through the generations.  It has been practiced and continues to be practiced to this day.
     Several snows ago; the white man states 2,000, a boy named Walks Low to the Earth came to this world.  He walked upon this earth and was just and good.  He treated all the people in His tribe with kindness.  He was from a humble home, and yet as Walks Low to the Earth grew, He did not act as other men.  Where others were drawn away from the customs of the Creator by Coyote’s words, He refused each and every time.  Walks Low to the Earth performed miracles.  Where there was sickness, He touched, and they were healed. Where the crippled laid, He met them and they walked.  Where the dead slept, He spoke and their spirits returned to their bodies. Walks Low to the Earth spoke as with an authority that was not His own.  He challenged the people to think upon the motives, not actions alone, behind the traditions that Creator set before them. Many sought the company of Walks Low to the Earth.  Some for what He could do; others guarded their hearts, not knowing what He would say. 
     The time came for a man to be asked to complete a Sun Dance.  Walks Low to the Earth readily stepped up.  As the elders looked upon Him, they questioned the reason for it, as according to the purification vows, He had already proven that He fulfilled them.  Walks Low to the Earth said, “I still must do this.”
     “But in all that we have seen in you, since you were a child, you have shown yourself to already be connected with the Creator,” said the elders.
     “I still must do it,” replied Walks Low to the Earth.  With that, the elders consented, and set a day for when the Sun Dance would be performed.  Excitement drew near, as the time of the Sun Dance was to be done.  But as the nights closed, Walks Low to the Earth became more weary.  His friends became worried.  “Why are you sorrowful, brother?  The Sun Dance is a good thing. It will be a joyous time.”
     “Yes, it will be…for what comes from it,” He said.  “Then why are you so sad?” His friends asked.  Walks Low to the Earth could only reply, “There will be a dark night, before the dawn rises.”  His friends only became more confused as they asked more questions.  The animals were also concerned.  They talked amongst themselves and wondered who would speak with Him.  “I will,” said Buffalo.  Beaver also wanted to go with him.  So, Buffalo and Beaver went to Walks Low to the Earth.  “Why are you sad, brother? The Sun Dance is a good thing.” 
     “Yes it will be…for what comes from it,” said Walks Low to the Earth.  “We do not understand, brother,” Beaver stated. 
     The Man plainly stated, “How much blood must be shed before Coyote has his fill?”  Buffalo and Beaver became confused and left with sad hearts, not knowing what to think or say.
     The morning came for Walks Low to the Earth to complete the Sun Dance.  He said a silent prayer to Creator, and walked to the middle pole.  The elders took the bones and pierced His chest.  Walks Low to the Earth danced.  He danced and danced.  He continued to dance even when He should have stopped.
     “What is He doing,” the elders asked among themselves, “He is to be done by now.”  One spoke aloud to Him, “You have fulfilled the Sun Dance!” (They said this, because even though they agreed to let Walks Low to the Earth dance the Sundance, they still quietly believed that He did not need to.)  Walks Low to the Earth danced as if He heard nothing.  Another began to mock Him.  “What is He trying to prove?  Does He think He is better than us!?”  Still, Walks Low to the Earth danced.  He  danced until His feet no longer were strong, and His arms could no longer carry.  The bones did not rip from His chest, and He hung there, breathing deeply.  It was visible that His life was leaving, and His spirit would be gone, soon.  His body bloody, all that poured out from His wounds was water.  With one last sigh, Walks Low to the Earth breathed His last, and closed His eyes.
     His mother walked to Him, put her cheek to His nose to feel His breath.  She screamed, “He is dead!”  The elders came over and unhooked the bones from Walks Low to the Earth's chest.  His family carried His body to a tree and prepared for His burial.  They lifted it above the branches, and wrapped it in a buffalo robe.
     The entire tribe was in confusion and in mourning.  Coyote came to visit, and in a playful grin, expressed a half-hearted condolence.  “Shoo, Coyote!  We are not ready for any of your tricks.  Mourn with us for our brother or leave!”  Coyote left, still smiling.
     After the third day of Walks Low to the Earth’s death, eagles were seen flying near His body.  His mother and friends wondered what sign this might mean.  They ran to Walks Low to the Earth’s body.  But when they came to the place where His body was wrapped, it was not there.  His mother and friends frantically looked around them.  The eagles then sang, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? Do you see that He is not here?  Go, and tell everyone that He has risen!” 
     They ran back to the village, with a wind they never before had felt.  In the background, some say they heard the mournful howl of Coyote.  As Walks Low to the Earth's mother and friends reached the village, they shared the news and the people decided to make a feast, to share in the good news.  While they sat down, a stranger whose face was covered, asked to sit with them.  “You may come in,” an elder said.  “We are celebrating the life of one of our friends.”  As the stranger sat, he removed the covering over his face.
     “Walks Low to the Earth!  It is really You!  You are alive!!!”
     “Yes, it is me,” He replied.  “But my name is no longer Walks Low to the Earth.  The Creator gave me a new name, and it is Creator Walks With Us.  It is so good to see you.” All the people and animals sat, ate, and laughed.  After a little while, a boy walked up to Creator Walks With Us, and asked, “Why did you danced until you died?”
      The room became quiet.  The boy’s mother shushed him, and motioned him to leave Creator Walks With Us alone, and apologized for his question.  “No, that is okay that he asks.  It is good for children to ask and want to understand.  For generations, the Sun Dance has been done in order for the individual to be connected to the Creator.  But I had been born, already connected to Him.  It is true that I did not need to dance.  But I did so…to the point of death, that My blood would not just bring Myself to the Creator, but all of our people.  And not for this tribe alone, but for all tribes on the earth.  And not for this generation alone, but for all generations that will come.  I died that you may live.  I died that you no longer would fall for Coyote’s tricks and be disconnected from Creator.  The One who made you loves you and wants you to walk with Him.  But that could not happen due to the impurities in man.  So I, who is Creator clothed with skin, came down to earth that I may walk with you…again.  My blood was spilled and seeped into the earth.  New life has been given.  And all who believe in My name will be able to walk with Me forever.”
      To this day, Coyote still runs to and fro through the earth to deceive First Man’s children.  But with Creator Walks With Us’s blood flowing, and His spirit breathing within us, Coyote’s tricks are not so deceptive. We hold onto the promise that we can live in the heavens with Creator, someday. The Hebrews call Him Emmanuel or Jeshua.  In English, His name is translated as Jesus.  It is by His name that we believe and are saved from our sins.  It is by Him that we can walk side by side, with our Creator God. 

Saturday, January 20, 2018

I'm Mourning the Loss of Two Students

     Last Tuesday, a former student of mine died in a car accident.  Later I learned that he was hit by someone, in the early hours of the morning.  The next day, I found out that another former student was at fault, alcohol was involved, and they may have done it deliberately.  The family of the first student stated that, while in court, the second student laughed while listening to charges, and was given a bond.  No case, as far as I know.  Another casualty of the present law enforcement team considering the dire situation of a death way too young to be experienced.
     I am in mourning for the student who passed away.  He was only 20-years-old.  A life ahead of him.  A friend noted to me, that he was in the works to be shooting for a movie.  But now, I will be going to his funeral, rather than renting a Red box DVD where is one of the characters.  I have always said that I would rather go to my kids’ weddings, than to their funerals.  But that is not the case, right now.
     But I am also in mourning for the second student.  How does a parent feel if one of their kids were killed by their sibling?  In some context, that is how I feel.  It would be different if the first student was killed by someone random, however, that is not the case.  The nature of the two knowing one another makes us all question, “Why?”  And alcohol is not enough of an answer.
     Lastly, I mourn for the family.  And in the mourning of the death of one of my former students, I find myself grieving for a deeper reason.  Since the news of my student’s death, social media has lit up crying out for justice…but with a voice that resounds of vengeance.  As a family member said, “I want [the killer] to feel the same pain [they] caused.”  I understand the pain.  I understand the sorrow.  I understand the anger, but I’m leery to jump and take sides, because I know there are offenses on all margins. 
     “…Mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13)”
     Note: The Bible doesn’t state that mercy triumphs over justice.  I do believe that the student who is at fault should and needs to be held accountable for their actions.  There does need to a thorough investigation, and a trial, prosecuted with an upstanding court.  However, at the end of the day, whether the case comes or not, can the one who is guilty of murder be forgiven?  Forgiveness seems like an outrageous solution, considering all that has been done.  “A life for a life, right?  They are without remorse; let them feel the pain they caused!”  Nevertheless, I hope that the family can forgive the one at fault for their boy’s death.
     What if the second student had a personal, hidden offense that drove them to do this?  I am not justifying the action.  I am only trying to show that an offense left unattended, and a hurt left alone without the grace of Christ will only fester.  Jesus even said that if you hate your brother, you already committed murder (Matthew 5:21-22).  Why is this?  Because a hatred eventually leads to murder of some sort, whether it be through slander (murdering someone’s reputation) or physically (killing them).  Point is, whatever offense that the second student may have had, whether it was perceived or actual, I hope that they can learn to forgive the person who is now dead.  Furthermore, I fear the sense of hate might stir someone to do what had been done to them.  I hope not. 
     However, I hope both the family and the murderer can experience the forgiveness and love of God.  This is where I am going with all of this.  According to God, sin is sin.  If we commit one sin, we’re guilty of them all (James 2:10)!  We are the ones who put weights and measures on certain actions, trying to portray our own justification and righteousness.  “If we have a reason, then it was okay to do.” However, that isn’t the case, because when we hold onto offenses…even the worst of ones committed (i.e. abuse, murder), we may drive ourselves to continue the cycle of murder, rather than halting it.  We become the very thing we are fighting.
     But if I remember how much my own sin grieves God…no matter how “little”, how can I hold onto the sin of the one who hurt me?  If God forgave me, could He…better question, would He forgive them?  Second Peter 3:9 states that God doesn’t want anyone destroyed, but rather that all would come to repentance.  Yes.  God wants everyone – the good, the bad, and the plain ugly to come to know Him, and to be forgiven of their sins.  He desires that none would perish.
     The irony of holding onto grudges and wishing pain on the enemies who have hurt me is that if they were to pay the same price that they made me feel (even unto death), I probably will not be satisfied.  Granted I won’t be.  Reality is, I could wish someone harm for their offenses, but in truth, I just wish they were sorry.  To add salt to a wound is to be without remorse.  And a death without an apology can leave a desire perpetually unfulfilled. That is what hurts the most, and I realize, aside from receiving the body of their son/brother/uncle/friend, it is that the one who began all this pain, Tuesday morning, is not apologetic.
     May I argue that forgiveness is not a substitute for justice?  As I said before, I believe that the one at fault should be held accountable.  Forgiveness does not mean that you are not allowed to feel.  It’s okay to grieve over a loss, to be angered over the cause.  What is forgiveness?  It is letting go, and letting God, as the old proverb states.  It is allowing Him to do the work that only He can do, and trusting that He will right the wrong.  It is learning to let go of the expectation that your joy is dependent upon their repentance.  It is loving a person who deserves all the hatred in the world, rather than wishing them hell.  Forgiveness is the letting go of a debt that has eternal implications.  It, in as of itself, also impacts more than the temporary.    

     I pray for comfort and healing for the families.  I pray that mercy can be shown to the guilty.  I pray that my second student does become remorseful, but in such a way that leads to repentance, rather than a sorrow that leads into a dark shame.  I have lost one student to death, but there is time for the second to find redemption.  Even if the freedom is found only in their soul, behind physical bars, I still desire for that freedom.  Lastly, I want Jesus Christ’s name glorified in this painful situation. Whatever death that Satan meant to stir up, it ends here and now.  Amen.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Death, Have You Forgotten?

Dear Death,
The more I sit and think
Upon the waste that you have laid;
The more I see the devastation
Wrecked among my people;
The more I have to combat
Thoughts and imaginations set
To destroy peace,
The more tears flow
A seething anger birthed in coals.

How dare you keep spewing your poison?
How long do your words whisper in ears,
Speaking - meant to deceive
Feeding the itching entertainment of the mind,
Bringing the countenance of the young into despair?
How long must you drive the attention of our souls,
Masking our remembrance of the One who created us?
How long will your bitter words grow dead things
By which the fruit remains in the grave?

How many of my children must fall prey?
Tears wretched as Jack Daniels, Mary Janes, Crystal M and Rx
Sit at the table pouring into their psyche, as they hope
The emptiness they feel will be drowned in a moment.
Bruises hidden, imprints of fists and ears wracked
As yelling is a form of communication and control.
The late hours become a playground, as they are forgotten
By the ones who birthed them. Innocence has been removed
In the most intimate of ways.
Girls are missing without a trace…
No trail publicly used to hunt the perpetrators. 
As dusk draws nigh, futility tempts the end to become a friend.

Death, how long will you forget
Two-thousand years ago
You were already declared dead?
Your power was ripped from your hands!
And yet, your broken chains still hold
Bound the people meant to be free!
But by one word, you are rebuked. 
By one word, the threat of your grasp cut.
By one word, you are defeated.
And that one word is a name.
And the name is JESUS.

Dear Jesus,
We need You. 
 Sometimes I lose the words to pray,
So hear the utterings of my groanings.
There is a pain that has persisted
Across generations.  The time has come,
We ask for it to stop. 
I ask for addictions to become suffocated;
I ask for abuse to be swallowed;
I ask for suicide to hang itself. 

But what is there to fill our souls,
If we do not have You?  O God,
Breathe in us Your everlasting life.
Remind us that our traditions
Fail to save.  Philosophy not built
On the foundation of Christ
Will crumble.  Deliver us
From the darkness that entangles.
Forgive us the idols we carry.

Jesus, I ask that You would become
The desire of our hearts. Holy Spirit
Stir a yearning, by which the Living Water
Quenches the hunger we bear.
A new creation, Christ in us
The hope of Glory.  Old things have gone,
Make this nation new!  Heal my people.
Bring Your salvation to persistent curses,
So that our future may be blessed.

 Lastly, Daddy, for my children:
Be the secure arms that hold them in love
Speak to them gently, and yet firmly affirm
The Truth of who You are and what You have done.
My heart aches, and I wish the sting would be no more.
They are not alone, and I ask that You remind them.
Cradle them, and yet, I ask that You would be
The craving of their souls, rooted and established
Abounding in the Life that You ransomed for them.

Death, be no more.
Have you forgotten
Two thousand years ago,
You were declared dead?
In Jesus, you have been rebuked.
In Jesus, the threat of your grasp has been cut.
In Jesus, you have been defeated.
JESUS REIGNS IN THIS PLACE!!
Your power was ripped from your hands!
Your chains broken will no longer bound those freed!