Learning to Worship in Grief

      I've seen too often that the meme for expressing Christian sentiments during a crisis is all hell breaking loose, but Jesus believers hold a huge smile on their face, nonetheless.  Humorous as the caricature is, I wonder if it has caused some damage.  I, myself, have learned to hide what pain I have endured; and though I am always willing to comfort the hurting, it is hard to find another soul to be comforted by when I am the one who is grieving. 
     I do wonder if true, biblical, comfort is less smiling and more giving room for the tears, allowing for questions to be aired, all the while trusting that Jesus continues to carry us.  Maybe that's why when comforting others, sometimes words aren't warranted, a hug is all that is needed, and tears become a form of worship.   
     Even in David's grief, he voiced a natural inclination toward vengeance.  But he also was willing to be patient, trusted in God's goodness, and was willing to let Him do His will.  I think it's okay to go to God with our grief and our anger.  Doing so shows we trust that we have a safe place with God to entrust Him with the most vulnerable things in our lives. 
     When we tell people to hold onto a "big faith" theology or encourage people to stop their crying over situations that can't be fixed, I believe we deny ourselves the decency to have an honest dialogue with the One who created us, is sovereign and cares for us.  I cannot say answers will be given, or the answers given will be the ones desired.  Sometimes, "everything happens for a reason" is not a form of comfort.  But holding onto the nature of who Jesus is, what He has done for us, and what that has afforded for us is the strength enough to hope even in heartache.  It allows us to grieve in safety, secured by the One who completely loves us.  Though for the moment, maybe we aren't okay, we can hope that we will be okay...someday.  And that's sufficient.
      Losing a friend recently has brought a different grief than I have known.  Besides losing my pastor as a teenager, this brings a different sadness than other funerals I have attended.  The pain is personal.  Knowing I can run to my God with my tears, even if no one else sees (my husband gets to see it, though) is comfort enough.  I may have my questions and fears, but I also know that God is big enough to handle it.  More over, He remains good, so no matter how this story is written, I can trust in Him, even with my pain.

"Carry the Sparrow"

When the tears fall,
The throat strains
To make a sound;
The mind is cluttered
With memories,
You are near
To be found. As the days come and leave,
The joys of the past
Flood the heart with
Sweetness turned sour
As the contemporary reminds us
Things have changed,
Your goodness remains.
Even in the shadows of fear;
Even in the valleys of death,
You still carry the sparrow.
Even when grief breathes
More breath than life;
Even when the sun is full
Of despair,
You tend to the lilies.
You say
We are much more than they…
So, even in the bitter taste
Of life’s “gifts”,
I will cling to You.
Your love and favor still abound
For Your children.
We are not forgotten.
Your glory is not shrouded
By the threat of darkness.
Pain tempts one to apostate.
Therefore, I will prostrate
Before the throne of heaven
With my mind, soul, and spirit;
With all of my questions, doubts and fears.
Answers may not be given,
Nevertheless, Your peace surrounds
This breaking heart.
Jesus, You clothe me
With Your righteousness,
Echoing Your promises
Of an unfailing covenant;
A hope to hold
Beyond time that has been shattered.
In the stillness,
I can say,
“It is well.”
I prostrate as one
Who carries their tears upon cheeks
Silently,
But accompanied with praises
For the One
Who shows no shame;
Whom will carry me
As a sparrow under His wing.

Just the Memories

     

     Yesterday, I found out a friend from high school, passed away.  They were such a great friend.  However, since graduation, we went our separate ways, including how we looked at life, and possibly faith.  This was a very dear friend, at one time, but that is no more.  Wasn't for a long time.  How do you find comfort in the loss of a friend when eternity is at stake?  It may just be in the memories I have.

We used to be friends.
We used to be allies.
Shared in one another’s hopes,
Dreamt of the future, and
Prayed that God would move
In our present.

But as seconds became years,
Shifting missions created divisions.
We had so thick a silence
Until we accepted our differences
And could care for each other,
But from a distance.

I just heard
You exhaled your final curtain call
While the moon shown
The light of a hope
Of the coming dawn;
You would never see it.

Now, all that remains
Are just the memories:
The laughter and conversations
Becoming a vague screen write.
All that remains
Are just the wonderings
Of lives lived alternatively
Than what pains drove us apart.
What would have been
If we learned to say “hello”
Before wishing “goodbye”?
At least we had our hello
Before our farewells were
Never uttered.
Or maybe that day was meant
To be a sweet goodbye,
Though I didn’t know.

The most painful sting
From your loss,
However,
Is not knowing if I can hope.
Not knowing if you will
Be able to take your final bow;
Not knowing if
The intellect translated to faith.
Not knowing if I will again
See your face, and enjoy
The memory of your name.

That most of all is why
I mourn,
Perhaps without solace,
My dear, little brother.
Maybe there is comfort,
But only in
Just the memories.

The Blessing in Leaving Home

We just started a new series at church about learning to go into the fields of our community, studying the book of Ruth.  A key phrase was about coming home*.  Elimelech and his family lived in Bethlehem, at the time of the judges.  There was famine, due to drought, or possibly, war, and for Elimelech, to survive meant that his family had to flee their home.  They didn’t just run to any place. Ironically, they ran to the place that was considered cursed; Moab.     Born of an incestuous union, lorded by false, pagan gods; to look to Moab as a hope for fruit may seem fruitless.  However, for ten years, Elimelech, Naomi (his wife), and their sons lived.  During this time, his sons married Moabite women.  Perhaps, there was hope for a future.  However, by the end of ten years, all three of the men died, leaving three widows to fend for themselves.     Naomi felt called to go home.  And as for her daughters-in-law, they were foreigners…outcasts.  Part of a cursed people.  Would they come?  Part of the message shared was that for some people, they may feel a tug to come home.  Believers who left Jesus and/or the church, but now are realizing that it’s time to return.  For others, Ruth and Orpah were more relatable.  Outcasts, not sure if they have a place at this home called “the church”, there was the encouragement that God seeks out the foreigners in order to bring them into His family.     To be honest, I didn’t feel like Naomi or like Ruth/Orpah.  As I listened to the message, I felt more like Elimelech, and here’s why:  Elimelech left his home, and it was in his leaving that opened for the door of the outcast to come to know the true God.  Yes, Elimelech left Israel out of the desolation found in their home (rightly so, because of the famine), but he left for Moab with the anticipation and hope to be fed.  My pastor explained that immigrating to Moab wasn’t meant to be a forever thing.  Elimelech anticipated returning.  Nevertheless, he left, made his home in a foreign and cursed place, and built up his family.  I do wonder if Elimelech, whose name means, “The Lord is king”, planned on his Hebrew heritage having to be part of the conversation.     After all, his daughters-in-law had to have known they worshiped differently.  They had to have known there were different customs.  Was there contentions?  And yet, even in the desire for survival, Elimelech’s leaving Israel allowed for a Moabite woman to be introduced to the one, true God, and even give her life to Him (see Ruth 1:16).     I felt like Elimelech was given the air of a man who lost all hope.  (The evangelism bent of bringing outcasts home was more so hinted at with Naomi, as she will be the one to bring Ruth to Bethlehem with her.)  Analogous to someone who is struggling with their faith, leaving the safeguard of the one Thing that gives us life and hope.  However, in the context of the story of Ruth, Israel was a dead place.  Ashes were all that was left, and to live meant to move.  Could Elimelech and his family have moved elsewhere in Israel?  Maybe.  But they didn’t.  And even if Elimelech’s hope is just conjecture; just optimistic thinking, what is amazing is that God still had the bigger picture.     Even if Elimelech was hopeless and pessimistic, running from Bethlehem was not in vain.  Even when all three men died, it was not in vain.  Elimelech left, hoping to return home.  And God knew that by having an Israelite family in Moab, their presence would invite outcasts and foreigners to know the true God.  If Elimelech and his family returned to Bethlehem, as a unit, others would have come with him.     If Elimelech hadn’t left Bethlehem, would Ruth have been able to come “home”?  And what a beautiful point that God chose a woman from a cursed tribe to be a part of the blessing of salvation!  In my personal application, I wonder how often we think of doing God’s work equating to doing everything the same as other believers in the church.  Not that I desire to abandon my immediate family, but I wonder if God is tugging on my heart to actually be going.  Not leaving, for the sake of my own survival, but more so, with the perspective that I know there are others who need to come home.  In a way, their eternal survival is at stake.  If I remain home all the time, how are the outcasts and foreigners supposed to know where to call “home” and be saved?     I am convinced…that in order for salvation to come, sometimes we have to leave what is comfortable and familiar. 

*Historical and biblical notes came from: “Ruth: Coming Home.” Jon Meek II. August 4, 2024.

PSA On Pregnancies

      As my husband would say, please don’t hear what I’m not saying.     I know children are a blessing from the Lord, and are to be cherished.  They are a good “thing” to want. But I just got married, and have had at least two women ask if I’m pregnant or want to be.  One said she just wanted to know what to pray for me.     Gee, thanks for supplementing a choice to answer, rather than asking an open-ended question.     I know that they are just excited for me.  I know that they are just wanting to start up a conversation.  But frankly, after just entering a life-long commitment, why is there a question for the next thing?  Frankly, I just got married!  I’ve been single for a long time, and having to now live life having to consider another person’s thoughts and opinions besides my own is quite the switch.  After all, I have only had to care about me for all of my adult years.  So, why is it that women seem to want to know if I am interested in the next stage?     Can’t I breathe?  Can’t I learn to be a wife without feeling I have to become a mother?  Am I good in the season that I am presently in?  (I’m pretty sure I brought this up at my wedding during the reception.)  While I was single, women wondered if there was anyone in my life.  Part of that was the awkwardness of being single (like that stage of life was somehow not the gift that God intended); other times, it was making me aware that I have a biological time clock I gotta be concerned about.     After all, if I want children, I better find me a good man and get knocked up right away.     Yeah…what a great message to send girls and young women, especially from the church.     What happened to encouraging women to grow in Christ and become their best selves?  What happened to telling them it’s okay to wait, because a good man later is better than a bad man coming too soon?  What happened to teaching them to enjoy every season, because God indeed has a purpose for each stage of life?  And why is it that when there is a significant life change, we don’t let someone process the effect that might have, and we tell them to get ready for the next thing?     Again…I know that asking about pregnancies is seen as a form of starting conversation, trying to hear desires, and celebrating things that can happen in life.  But that isn’t what the recipient is hearing.  The woman who is asked if they are pregnant (when they were not the one to bring it up) hears that they aren’t enough unless they are bringing in the next generation.  I wonder if men get asked these questions.  If you do, what do you say; and if not, what do you guys ask?     Maybe, waiting to become pregnant isn’t about trying to be selfish and keeping lives “simple” (remember, marriage in itself opens up cans of worms that singleness can leave unearthed).  Maybe being pregnant brings a lot more complexities than what is initially discussed.  When a woman is asked, “Are you going to have kids?  Come on!  What’s taking you so long,” many fears can actually come up.  The following are things I have heard from other brides, as well as considering my own fears. -Probability of health complications to the mother (women still can die from giving birth) -Having had been pregnant and have miscarried…maybe even multiple times (hello Celia from The Help) -Taking medication that, if pregnant, can lead to birth defects or other complications -There’s a lot of abandoned children in the world; is adoption okay? -Having a disability that can make it harder to care for a child, physically -Not knowing if you’ll screw up the child, because personal trauma has created some bad habits that you wouldn’t want to scar your own kid with     As for me, living with disabilities that can impact my children is a very huge indicator why I’m okay with waiting to become a mother.  Furthermore, I just became a wife, and learning to do life with someone else, rather than just living by my own interests and schedule has been quite the curveball!  There are things I am learning, that I wasn’t fully aware of, because I didn’t have anyone in which my decisions affected.  There are things about me that I need to address before I even dream of bringing a child into this world,  because if I’m not healed at my deepest core, I could continue some generational hurts.  I realize I am in my mid-30s.  I know the science behind waiting, and the danger it can cause.  But being an immature and/or unprepared woman scares me more.     This isn’t about me wanting to keep my life, as is.  This isn’t about me wanting a career over family (although, I still do like teaching).  This is about the fact that there are so many variables to be mindful of when bringing a child into this world.     I think we need to stop asking leading questions where we infer our personal desires onto other people.  (And as a fixer, I realize I need to take a hint from what I just wrote).  Why not try to ask, “What’s new?”  And if a woman brings up wanting children, then the conversation can go from there.  If you want to ask what to pray for, then ask simply without becoming specific.  Doing so actually is notifying the recipient how you feel like you want to pray for that person.  Kinda feels forced, and frankly, it doesn’t open the conversation to ask what is on the recipient’s heart (which is why you’re asking in the first place, right?  See what I did there.)     Please, from a newly married wife: LET ME ENJOY WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME NOW without worrying about what is in the next chapter!!! And for Pete’s sake, let’s do that for any woman of any stage.  Single, married, has kids, empty-nesters, or retired…let’s be willing to encourage what God has for them at that moment.  Doing that, we can focus on what He is saying, and minimize the voices of peoples’ expectations that shouldn’t have any influence, anyway.

"Acknowledge Me!"

Solo Sikoa, aiming to be tribal chief

In the world of WWE, there is a tribal family called the Bloodlines.  Originally led by their chief, Roman Reigns, they are part of a powerful dynasty.  However, Roman Reigns has since left.  And his cousin, Solo Sikoa, has been given charge to take care of the Bloodlines.  However, Sikoa doesn’t just want to care for the dynasty; he wants to be acknowledged as THE tribal chief.  Every week, Sikoa, with his hired criminals as his goons, challenges and intimidates other wrestlers, proving his importance as a key figure.  Ultimately, he wants the entire WWE to respect him, and honor him as the new chief.     There is a problem, however.  No wrestler outside of his clan is bowing down to him.  Or, at least willingly.  Even if Solo Sikoa and his men beat the crud out of their adversaries, and can bring their enemies to their knees, it isn’t done without a fight.  It is not given with submission.  Ironically, these other men used to compete as enemies to the Bloodlines when Roman Reigns was present.  But now in his absence, they see how Solo Sikoa poses a greater threat.     Even the Bloodlines’ “wise-man”, Paul Heyman, struggled to commit to Sikoa’s leadership.  Heyman’s role was the adviser, and all this time while Roman Reigns has been absent, Heyman had encouraged Sikoa to be humble and lead the Bloodlines as Reigns did (recently, I just found that Sikoa had beaten and thrown out Roman Reigns from the Bloodlines).  He warned Sikoa of the danger of hiring criminals to do his bidding, and how important of a responsibility he had in leading the Bloodlines.

Kevin Owens stood up to the Bloodlines and 
was beaten. After his loss, other wrestlers have
aimed to stand up to the clan.

    But Solo Sikoa never wanted to heed his advice.  In fact, the more Paul Hayman spoke, the more Sikoa glared and, verbally, set him in his place.  Paul Heyman tried to plead as much as he was allowed to voice; even willing to assist by cheating in a match so that the Bloodlines could remain undefeated.  But bowing down to someone who demands to be acknowledged as a true chief when that isn’t their role is tiresome, discouraging and contradicts the soul.  And when the conviction of the heart contrasts to the outward behavior, something is going to break.     During a Friday Night Smackdown, June 29th, 2024, Solo Sikoa, accompanied with his three goons and his wise man approached the arena, and demanded, “Acknowledge me!”  Each of his men did as he directed; they acknowledged him as their true chief.  Sikoa’s enforcer (the most recent addition, and perhaps the most violent one of all) added an extra flavor, by not only acknowledging him, but also professing his love for his chief (perhaps worship?).  All of the Bloodlines acknowledged their new chief…save for one.    

Paul Heyman punished for not 
acknowledging Sikoa as chief.

Paul Heyman admitted that he cared for Sikoa and wanted the best, but he could not acknowledge him as the chief.  Roman Reigns has always been the hope for the Bloodlines, and Heyman did not forget that.  Unfortunately, his lack of allegiance for Sikoa meant his own doom.  Immediately, the other Bloodlines picked up Heyman and threw him around, multiple times, punishing him for his betrayal.  It hurt to watch.  And every week that the Bloodlines are featured in Smackdown, I am watching as a spectator with anticipation, asking when is the true chief going to come and put Sikoa back in his place?  When is Roman Reigns going to return?     There is another person who desires to be called chief, and loves to say that the True Chief is absent and has since abandoned us. The devil likes to take reign in our lives.  Sometimes more inconspicuous, sitting in the background - but oh!  The way he knows our triggers and laughs when we fall for them.  He knows our temptations and delights when we run after them.  Securing the reality of our sin and identifying our shame can bring him joy.  And as long as his intimidation or bribes can get our eyes off Jesus, then he has achieved his aim.  Because if we don’t live as Jesus is our True Chief, then we will fall prey to living as if he is.  As long as we don’t acknowledge Jesus as our Lord, we in de facto acknowledge the strength, power and influence of the enemy.     Live long enough in the ring, and every person can see the havoc that this pseudo-chief brings.  However, in the wrestlings of life, God already came down.  The True Chief returned to the earth, confronted the devil and beat him in his own game, ironically by lying down His own life, and conquering sin and death.  Jesus rose from the grave, and the Holy Spirit is presently walking with us, empowering us to be more like Him and countering attacks of the devil.  A journey that is not measured by a single fight, but the more we denounce the devil, and refuse to acknowledge his role as “chief”, in the power of the Holy Spirit, we conquer him.     Moreover, we have something to hope for greater than Paul Heyman and the other wrestlers.  Where the big question there is, “When will the true chief come back?  When will Roman Reigns return,” we have a Chief who we know will return one day.  In the WWE ring, each wrestler must stand up to Sikoa and the Bloodlines in their own strength, not knowing if Roman Reigns will return.  Many probably have given up.  But when it comes to Jesus, all will bow before Him, and when the devil will HAVE TO acknowledge Who is on the throne, he will be put in his place, once and for all.  Until then, we hope and we fight, in the grace (favor and empowerment) of God.  Sometimes we will battle and find victory.  Sometimes we will fall.  But as has been said in life, true failure is giving up and never trying again.  Jesus died for our salvation and for us to become children of God.  And a good Father will equip His children for what lies ahead, and He won’t forsake them.  And so, with every match against the one who wants to be called “king”, God has never ceased to be on His throne, and He is with us, in the midst of each battle.

Roman Reigns, considered to be the true chief 
over the Bloodlines Dynasty.  Absent, and 
many waiting for his return.

    The irony about Solo Sikoa is that he is able to intimidate, belittle and win over all the other wrestlers, because he knows how to talk a good talk, walk confidently, and violently enforce his influence.  However, even as I watch Friday Night Smackdown, I know…that if Roman Reigns were to show up…all that fire in Sikoa would cease instantly.  He’d stop demanding to be acknowledged.  He would know he screwed up…and he probably would start running.  Or he would get the beating that’s about to come for him.  Either way, he would be acknowledged publicly for who he is, and not what he hoped to be.  How much more does the devil flee, because God is present in our lives and we have acknowledged Him as the True Chief? 

     

     “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance (endurance); and perseverance, character; character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was  given to us. 
    For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.  For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet, perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die.  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Much more than having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.  For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.  And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.”
-Romans 5:1-11

Most Excellent One

Jesus: The Name above all Names; Whose majesty Exceeds that of any King.  You are The Lord over all things.

You are holy.
Righteous, completely
Good. You are
Truth in its purest form.
I can seek You
And know
I can trust Your words.

You are faithful.
From the beginning
Of my first breaths
To the end of days,
You have not ceased
To fulfill Your declarations.

You seek
That I may know
You are the God who redeems.
Your throne was unapproachable;
Yet You designed a Way
That my sin be cleansed;

My personage covered
By a Holy Crimson
Spilled in my place.
In Your justice,
You pursued me
To repentance
That I may obtain mercy.

My shame has been removed.
Once an enemy,
Now a friend.
My presence once brought
A stench, now it brings
An aroma.
An antagonist, now Your child.
I can come
Before Your presence.
What glory to Your grace!

And the earth cries out
For its Creator:
“All honor to Your Name,
Praise be to Thee!”
Jesus, You are
Our salvation,
Our magnificence,
Our hope and joy.
This day
Until we breathe our last,
We worship You,
Most excellent One!

Selah.