Hey There, (De)Lila

 Hey there, Delilah
What’s it like to be in heaven?
Is it more beautiful
Than what was written
In scrolls found from long ago?
I can only imagine what you see.

Hey there, Delilah

What’s it like to be in His presence

And become His Man’s best friend?

God, we miss her so…

Please hold her close.

Oh, what you did to me…

Oh what you did for me…

When I was alone,

You were there for me.

Oh what you did for me…

What you meant to me…

For a sum of years,

You brought joy to my life,

Now I must say goodbye.

I miss how you curled up in my arms,

Always stood by my side,

Barked with excitement at my sight.

I wish the earth wasn’t so cruel

But I won’t play the fool:

I know you are without pain

And this ain’t the end.

So, I wish you well, my friend.

As you run, please tell

Our loved ones, “Hello”,

From us.

Oh, what you did to me…

What you meant to me…

Oh, The tears I weep!

The pain

I can’t deny

What you will always mean

My dear, Lila.

*parodied from "Hey There, Delilah." Plain White T's. 2006.

Loving You in Your Weakness

The hardest thing
About loving you
Is while you are in your weakness.
I had this ideal
That you would heal
The wounds buried in my soul.
Yet, in your humanity,
You have revealed
Your brokenness.

I hoped love would fix
The flaws I carried
Within my identity;
That your affection would make
Me a believer
Anything was possible.
But the ring proved itself
To be a mirror.

How much of my desire
Was, in fact and fruit, lust?
A longing to be worshipped;
And would your affirmation be enough?
But Love is not self-centered.
We all fail, and Its proof remains
When we remember
The dust from which we came.

So...will I remember
To carry you when the world
Sits upon your shoulders
For eternity?
Will I learn to bring encouragement
When critics await their chance
To jab at your hidden fears?
Will I pray for you while you fight
Unspoken battles you will not share?

May I
Hope in times of despair,
Believe in times of doubt,
Provide in times of lack
Until we utter our last..
For if God could look upon
Our sin, and desire
Grace for our immortality,
Then may I continue to hold
Joy in the presence
Of your face in my life,
Whether in darkness or light.

I Am Deadpool

     I am Deadpool.  
     Okay.  Not literally.  But boy...after watching Deadpool and Wolverine, did I get a reality kick in the heart.  How often have I desired to do something great?  Inspirational?  Make a difference in the world...only to continually feel like I'm out of place or not fitting in?  But more so...and this is what Happy was getting at - how often have I sought after the glory of greatness, in an effort to promote my importance?   
     Like Deadpool, I have sought for assignments and effort to prove to myself my own worth.  Sure, I wanted to save the world from it's own damnation.  But...it wouldn't hurt to have a minor credit that I helped make it happen.  Or so, I thought.  I mean...sure...I cared about the world.  Want the best for them.  But also...I wanted to know that I made my impact.  That this life wasn't just wasted.  That I did something that meant something.  
     Funny thing about that mindset is that often we overlook the little blessings in our lives.  We forgo doing certain acts of kindness for "better opportunities", because of the "need" to fill our love buckets.  Or worse, we can do EVERY act of kindness and then get butthurt, because no one thanked us for it.  Gratitude is appreciated, but it can become a curse when the giver requires it as a debt. 
     If there is one thing I am gradually learning about life and love...it isn't necessarily about me.  It's not about how the world can service my needs or ego...it's about how I can love others.  The Avengers probably wouldn't have needed me, either.  I would go in helping in every single mission, wanting the best outcome.  But if the best outcome didn't require my assistance, my ego would be devastated.  And that's the problem.  My pride can be my Achilles heel.  If everything I do is to build my own glory, then who is receiving the service of my actions?  
     Me.
     I am serving me.
     But it isn't about me.  It's about others.  It's about putting others above myself.  It's learning to rest in the love that God already pours Himself out for me, and knowing that nothing can remove His heart for mine.  When I stand in His affirmation, I don't have to serve the world for my gain.  And with that realization, I don't have to be a super hero.  Maybe the greatest acts I can do, is be present for the people and tasks laid in front of me.  No matter how little my name may be known or remembered.  

Image from Google

On the Charlie Kirk Assassination

     

Found on Google Images

  Why is the assassination of Charlie Kirk so unnerving?  Because it was in an accumulation of opposing thoughts presented, someone was killed for them.  It has been a growing trend for conservatives to watch how they say something.  If something came across as offensive, it could be labeled as intolerant - or worse - violent.  And when the public is encouraged that words themselves are violent, then the public will soon be encouraged to defend themselves against those who speak it.  That is, self-defense is often a physical matter.  A man was killed for just wanting to talk.
     He never threatened anyone's lives.  He never pointed a gun at somebody's head and demanded 'they should believe like him, or die.'  Rather, the public left called him a fascist; a Nazi.  Probably called him an ally to the Klan (oh wait...that was Trump).  The problem with these accusations is that they are based on the persons who ended up being the first ones to become violent.
    Looking back at history, we can all say Hitler was a bad dude, and the Valkyrie plot was justified, though it failed.  The thing is, however, the plot did not materialize until there was proof of violence on Hitler's end, and there were signs that it wasn't going to slow down.  And when I say violence, I mean the physical aggression or the intent to do physical harm.  While Hitler was propagating that Jews were the enemy, he wasn't being outright violent.  Prejudicial, sure.  Hateful, absolutely.  But did the rhetoric influence the public to take the next step, which was actual violence?  ABSOLUTELY!!  And THAT is the natural progression of fascism.
     Fascism doesn't start with physical violence.  It sows seeds of discourse, factionalizes communities, and when it tears apart cities and kills, it says it has done it in the name of self-defense.  It also removes the arms of law-abiding citizens.  Yeah, all these hints have hit our shores.  
     Now, can words be offensive?  Yes.  Should we create boundaries of how one should treat us, especially in regards to respect?  Absolutely.  But would we ever say someone is justified in taking physical action just because someone said something offensive or disagreeable?  No.  In fact, we teach our children that the only reason to be in a physical altercation is if someone else gave the first blow.  Otherwise, the way to deal with a verbal offender is 1) confront/set a boundary, 2) act like it never hurt you, 3) agree to disagree (and move on), or 4) create a physical distance to keep the peace.
     Kirk's approach was to debate and have conversation.  His death feels like as if Malcolm X decided to shoot Martin Luther King, Jr.  And if we're not free to speak our minds, resentment seethes and seeks an opportunity to bleed out.  Someone took that, literally.  I fear for my freedom to share my opinions.  I fear for our nation.  
     Over the last few years (since COVID), there has been an increase of violence over being hurt or offended.  Now, to be offended is a real thing to deal with.  I have had to deal with that demon and it took two decades of my life to defeat it.  But when you are so overcome with hurt that you become hateful, murder doesn't look so vicious.  Sometimes, it seems vengeful.  And I get it...unfortunately, ANY time there is an opposing point of the view, our instinct is to rise up in outrage.  I come from a generation that held ideas, beliefs or feelings described as lunacy by the former generation.  The dismissal card was often played.  The left had their thoughts, but when they proposed them, there wasn't any hearing out and explanation for why things were the way they were.
     And yet again, we live in human nature, which is prone to sin and rebellion.  Either there wasn't a response or the answer wasn't the one desired.  So 'push came to shove', as the saying goes.  Anger undergirding the desire to have a voice opened a way that when allowed to finally speak, they did so with such velocity, it became indoctrination.
     Sound familiar?  Heck, Hitler's rise to power was initially for the good of Austria and Germany.  After all, these countries were left destitute after World War I.  Nevertheless, the League of Nations didn't become the bad guys in WWII.  Hitler did - because he allowed his personal and public offenses to influence finding scapegoats to justify his violent movement in power.
     Charlie Kirk's death is a huge warning light that we are going down the same path as post-depression Germany.  Thing is, I think we are getting it wrong about who are the true fascists.  Fascism seeks to disintegrate all forms of dialogues,  desires absolute power, and destroys opposition.  Where did Kirk fit on that line?   His whole premise was to CONVERSATE!!  No...His death is a turning point.  
     Either we learn to listen to one another, even with opposing views, or more violence will ensue.  I'm concerned the latter may accumulate.  Will the left stop telling the right that they are violent just because they don't agree with certain things?  Surely there can be a solution to some of the things we disagree.  I fear that won't be the case, however.  I wonder if the left will condemn the violence openly, but still accuse any conservative as remaining the bigoted.  As long as we fail to hold people accountable for actions, I fear violence will breed more violence.  Will we have second civil war on our hands?  For, if a man can be killed for talking, will true self-defense have to be the response?  After all, our country has learned to demonize opposing political views, and one person has just died for them.

(Written on September 13, 2025)

A Mother's Poetry: "A Fountain of Joy"

The organ was full and about to burst;
He couldn't hold back.
First, he held his breath
Then he let the water gates spring wide
In a fling,
He let out a WEEEEE-iz
And a glee-filled smile to accompany.

Possible Government Shutdown Solutions?

 Dear Congressman ______________________,

I want to write on behalf of the government shutdown, and if I am not overstepping, I was wondering if any of the following ideas could be considered on a statutory or even federal level.  My hope is that a solution can be found that can be both economically feasible, but also meet people's needs practically, even if some ideas need to be modified, combined or consulted by an economist for detailed practices.

1) Graduated welfare system:   What if the welfare system was reformatted where at certain incomes, it could be gradually decreased, at a slower rate (than a 33% drop), in which families are encouraged to get higher wage paying jobs, rather than not work, at all? 

2) EBT: Is there a way for benefits can take into consideration people's rent/mortgage, as well as their income?  Or can it modify a gradual system to include working families?

3) Disability welfare:  It seems like if an individual is on disability, they are ineligible for work.  What if we modeled disability benefits after SPED procedures (i.e. assist where needed, and no more...ex: a regular physical wouldn't count, but specialized services would).  Additionally, determining how much disability benefits required could be determined by doctors and family members (i.e. cases of inability to care for self)?

4) Can we make it illegal for insurance policies to choose which hospitals/services they cover over patients' preferences, PLEASE?!  What if all insurances had to abide by the 80/20 rule until deductible was met?  It still would leave competition on premium prices/deductible level, as well as payment for co-pays and meds.

5) Pharmacies:  Is there a way to cap a percentage profit for medicine, beyond price of manufacturing/labor?

6) Medicaid:  What if SS/Disability/children under 18 are exempt from costs, and other adults on program paid $20/no income for 100% coverage or $0/no income for an 80/20 rule.  Increased income can use the already existing scale.


**The format to email our congressman was limited to 2,000 characters, so I didn't have much room to expand on my thoughts.  Hopefully, this can help.

Giving Space

      When shifts occur, sometimes space is needed in order to process the change.  Within our society, we often give space when something amazing or sorrowful has occurred.  Sometimes we give space in order to deescalate a conflict.  However, is it possible to give space far too long?  This is more so in the presence of pain being a factor.  What may be seen as a polite action may insinuate a darker intention: that one is not cared for.
     I am five months postpartum.  I have my good days.  But I have had my bad days.  If I get a rare check-in, I often say I'm doing, "alright," because I figure that the good and bad even out to "fair".  But frankly, I use that reply, because I don't trust that the person asking can handle the full story of how I'm doing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  If I were truly vulnerable, they may think I was trauma-dumping.  And so, I stay silent.  Exhausted.  Trying to get through the day.  Trying to find my 'miracle of the day,' and practice some gratitude.  
     There is a place where it has been communicated to be a second family.  A place I can go for encouragement and support.  However, off and on in the recent years, my trust in connecting with healthy friends has dwindled.  And while there was joyous anticipation...months later, I feel very alone. 
     Don't get me started about how our return was seen as a spiritual investment in our child.  Like, pacing myself when sleep-deprived, and taking time to read a Bible story isn't enough?  Yeah, that comment still stings.
     I'm not asking for a ton of visitors.  And in their defense, people only have enough energy to expound on their immediate audience.  But when my family had to take a leave, in order to learn how to rest while we navigate this new chapter in our lives (and are STILL navigating), after a while, this second family no longer checks in to say, "Hello."  Even a text would be something.  
     I'm trying to be understanding.  I'm trying to recognize the cynical thoughts in my mind and repel them.  But I feel let down.  I was told I was family, but the support needed to return was not constructed...and I don't know how long it will take to finish the project.  I'm trying to separate my personal offenses from the lack of sufficient care I think is needed for my newest addition.  It's hard.  It feels like one thing after another building on the issues, and I wonder at what point am I coming across as controlling and when the second family would benefit my leave, permanently (meaning, finding a new 'second family').  What's more frustrating is not knowing if God is supportive of the decision to depart.  I'm learning to be content as a mother, and my new church role to be praying.  But when I am fighting for my own sanity and finding glimpses of gratitude, it's hard to pray for them.   
     I feel so alone.  And those whom I WAS building good, healthy relationships have since taken their leave.  So, now I feel like what remains of my second family are those whom I don't connect well, anyway.  Do I stay and try to force something that isn't there, learn to be content that I'm distant, or should my family find a new home?  Because this space sure is convincing me that I'm forgotten, and those who preach love, grace and family could easily wash their hands and move on, if I were to never return.