Waiting

I always said 

I was waiting for the one You brought me.  

Never had a man to call my own, 

Before; it is easy to say.  

But the past dreams I wrote 

In secret 

Prove I never waited.  

Or...

I stopped waiting 

Long before I confessed.  

I poured out myself, longing to be loved - 

Justifying it,
Because who else 

Would cherish me the way You do? 

 
I did not wait.  

I have stirred up love before its time. 

And now that You have brought the one 

Who You meant for me, my heart refuses to remain patient.  

Why should I?!  Haven't I waited long enough?  

Oh, but wait.  

I haven't.

All those moments 

Where I brought imaginary men into my bed

Are the moments I must admit my guilt.  

You have called me out.  

If these men were real,

Would these men or their families feel like 

I raped them mentally?  

I had them in the bed of my mind 

Without their consent.  After all, that's how I felt 

When a man asked for my body, 

Even though he never touched me.

Oh, but the touch!  

Isn't that what I long for?  

In my separation from family and newfound loneliness, 

I wondered who would love me as me. 

I missed the welcoming hugs that invited me 

Into a home greater than my own.  I leaned into 

The imaginations like I did when I was a child.  

Alone, felt unloved; 

I would mind my own

And create the belonging I so craved for.

I should be grateful 

That the man You gave me is a delight to my senses.  

However, the forgotten sensations 

In adolescence are woken again, 

And I don't want to sleep again.  

My childhood ignorance met my adult sin...

And with the kiss of his love, 

My patience does not want its perfect gift.  

Desire for him grows;

To convince me to wait 

Only makes me frustrated 

That I cannot take hold of what has been promised to me.

Can I just have a peek?  

"Can I just have a poke," 

Is more like the lust that screams, "NOW" 

When You say, "Not yet".  

Deception has its perfect lie 

When it grasps onto the complete truth, 

But takes one step out of line.  

And my mind is convinced that because he will be, 

Treat him as is.

Oh God, sanctify my heart, 

And renew my mind.  

Restore the innocence of my soul 

That was shattered years ago.  

     Help me to wait.

A Response to the Cessationist Argument

Taken from a Facebook post

     Tongues aren't gibberish. I agree. They are a holy language between a person and God. It is a way to speak to God, when we do not know what to pray (Romans 8; 1 Corinthians 14). Prophecy - as vague impressions, can allow for someone to have a word of knowledge to explain what is on God's heart. Prophecy is not a "Christian form of fortune telling". Moreover, when I have seen prophetic words given, mostly, it isn't in a vague impression. The way that God gives me a word is often a Scripture, and then I ask God what He is wanting to say. Sometimes we want more specific words; my experience has shown me that a prophetic word has been just a step of direction, but not a complete blueprint of God's plan. And it is also meant to be coupled with confirming words (to back the 2-3 witnesses needed). Prophetic words are not scriptural, so yes, they need to be weighed and prayed through/for. Prophecy is hearing what is on God's heart to speak to people.
     As for healing...this is a tough one, because I think so many people have been hurt. I can't tell you how many times I went up to be prayed for to be healed, and my hand is the same. It is very easy to say that healing must happen automatically. Or, to spare ourselves from disappointment, we simply pray, "God, if it is Your will," and create a safe prayer. I think God honors bold prayers. This isn't to say we should do what some charismatics have done which is "name it and claim it". Rather, I can see what God has done, and I say, "God, I ask..." knowing that His timeline for healing is broader than my own. But I still am hopeful and expectant. God does heal in progress, in heaven, but I have seen Him immediately. I have seen shoulders healed, a student come out of a car accident alive when they should have died immediately, rheumatoid arthritis disappear, and even my own leg grew.
     I think - and I may be incorrect about this - that many who side on that the charismatic gifts being unbiblical, or dead are 1) from a Western perspective and/or 2) have been hurt in some way by people who have used those gifts immaturely or incorrectly. On the Western perspective- we have grown so reliant on our technology and intellectualism - especially with the matter of enlightenment and atheism abounding, why else would we need God to move in great ways? We can just think about "what should be said". But those in nonWestern cultures, I don't know...hey understand there is a spiritual realm, and therefore, need spiritual intervening. I know we, in America, do still have need of Jesus - and we find ourselves in great distress, which leads to my second point.
     We often have been hurt when the gifts have been used incorrectly or immaturely. Incorrect, meaning there is intention to harm, immature due to people really wanting to share God's love and heart, but may have misspoke, misheard, or misunderstood. God is perfect, and there is no error in Him. But, we still being human, still can fail. We have been saved by grace, and we work through grace. But we see and know in part (see end of 1 Corinthians 13). That is why prophetic words are to be weighed. I have often felt prophetic words are supposed to be used to confirm what God is already saying, not necessarily supposed to be the starting point. When we use the prophetic as the start, then we decide to make it into a fortune telling. Words of knowledge are a means to pray for someone, and if led to share, do so that will bring Christ's love and grace into the conversation. And ALWAYS, when sharing, I don't say, "God said", but rather, "I feel God is saying....does this make sense". This allows people to give room for the Holy Spirit to check and weigh the word. I was in Mexico last February, and received prophetic words and words of knowledge that were ON POINT. And these people spoke a different language, and never met me. There is NO WAY they could have known my heart for missions, other than that God - because HE knows me - revealed that. And the thing about prophetic words...like healings, their fruits are not always immediate.
     I think that is where we often make the mistake. And I do understand that in the Bible, Jesus healed and it was immediate. But what of the man who was blind, and the first time that he was prayed for, he saw people as if they were trees? What of the man who was healed when Peter and John prayed for him (Acts 4); he waited 38 YEARS for healing- and I bet you, he prayed. It doesn't mean that God didn't want to heal, but God's glory - in the healing - was for a set appointed time. And God's glory is still revealed even in the waiting (see Hebrews 11). We want God to work so much NOW and in certain ways, that if God speaks or moves, we either cynically say, "FINALLY, God did something [scoffing attitude]," or we can miss it altogether.
     God still moves. I know it, scripturally (are we going to deny 1 Corinthians 12-16?), as well as through experience. People have walked in those gifts wrong; and yes, I have been hurt too, but I have seen it done right, with care and compassion and wisdom. Now, this is the purpose of those gifts: I believe they are needed, because God still remains the God He was, and He desires to show His love and grace even in tangible ways. I believe He remains a relational God who still speaks (and note: prophetic words are NOT to counter Scripture, and if they are specific, then carry with a soft hand) and wants to communicate with His people. Most of all, they are to glorify Him and introduce Him to people. And walking with Him, the Holy Spirit continues to speak (it's not just to get people saved).
     I have learned to be dependent on God, and I have grown to trust Him, and ask Him for bold things. But I also trust that my Daddy is sovereign and will take care of things, even if it's not exactly how I had asked for. This includes timing, specific places, people, and ways. But I can say that I know that the gifts are needed in that they help share the Gospel. This isn't to promise that if people believe in Jesus, all there problems will be resolved, but God speaking and continuing to heal reveal God's heart for us.

Singleness is Not a Season

Obtained from
Google Images

"Enjoy this season,” many well-meaning married Christians say to singles.  As if, there is a point to their specific status of uno.  Granted, being single and living a godly life introduces a need for maturation, but that comes with age, anyway.  However, the main concern that is prevalent is how often being single is used as an excuse for a season of preparation for something more…as if marriage is the end goal.  I do not disagree with the sentiment that while in singleness, one should be growing in character.  However, why is singleness described as a season as if it is something to pass from into something else?     Because seasons change.  And though I am at the stage in life where I am in a romantic relationship with someone, I still remember the pains I had being a single person.  I remember feeling like I wasn’t catching anyone’s eyes, and wondering how much I was supposed to grow in order to finally attract someone.  I wondered if I had some character defect I was supposed to work out before meeting someone…which only then left me feeling I had to become the perfect person before meeting my perfect person.  I remember feeling left out of certain friends’ circles, because they were couples and I was not.     That hurt.  And I never felt like I was going to be enough to be enough for someone.  Moreover, and this is the problem with describing singleness as a season is - unlike seasons, what if someone’s relationship status never changes?  There are people who do not get married, whether or not it was their desire.  What do we say of those who chose to stay single in order to use their life as a full-time ministry?  Oh wait.  We are okay with that, because then it is a gift of the Holy Spirit.      We can unintentionally judge Christians who are single, because we continually say, “enjoy this season”, when we do not consider that this “season” may or may not pass.  And that is the problem.  We can often discuss marriage as a higher season (wait, isn't that a life-long commitment?) to reach; and if it isn’t that, then it is having children.  “I learn more about God’s unconditional love in my marriage season,” or “I understood the depth of God’s love when I became a parent.”  Can singles learn this, too?  And I am not discounting the claims of the lessons I am learning in having dated.  I just want to make sure we are not discounting our single people from the lessons that God has for them, regardless of their relationship status.     We have often made marriage the goal for life-long happiness.  I know many mothers who have pointed out men to their daughters, in the name of “just wanting them to be happy”.  What makes them being single a determining factor that they are not happy?  I actually enjoyed my singleness while in my twenties.  It was the being left out that was the hang-up for me.  Even in singleness, I still needed community.     Now, for any single person reading this, I may come across as another newly-engaged person telling some advice that isn’t wanted.  However, considering that my fiancé was my first and only boyfriend, and I was single for a long time before meeting him, I think I have some understanding of what it is like to be “in the single season”.  And if willing to read on, this is what I wish to say:

    I want you to go after all that God has for you.  Whether you are single, dating, engaged or married.  Seek after Him with your whole heart, and follow His lead.  He is always at work, and He chooses to work His story in you,  with you, as well as in your life.  I would much rather encourage you to jump in whatever God has in store, for every chapter (year) of your life, rather than calling this stage of your life a season.  Single or not, God will bring people beside you in the forms of friends, family and if it comes, a marriage life partner.     Take this time to invest what God has for you, because the reality is, it isn’t going to stop when in a relationship with someone.  Enjoy the moments of happiness, and mourn the moments that bring tears.  And these will happen in marriage, too.  Start reflecting on your character, and where God convicts, address it.  But do not expect that you have to have it all figured out by the time you may meet someone.  Just prepare the habit, because when you start knowing someone, trust me, you’ll realize that you’ll get to know more about yourself, too.  Nevertheless, allowing God’s grace to have its perfect work is something we Christians are supposed to do, anyway, whether we have a ring or not.     Recognize that your wholeness is never grounded in what you can do, or in the being of another to stand next to you.  Ain’t it a funny thing that we do have a tendency to define ourselves by our accomplishments, and others by their existence?  However, the worth of any and all beings is solely defined by the Creator who formed them.  YOU were created for such a time as this, God loves you, and desires to walk with you in the fullness of your life.  As frightening as that sounds, it is a comfort, because He already unconditionally loves you.  And whatever you accomplish for Jesus’ name has already been predestined  by His plan for you, and is enabled by His grace.  So, will you stand and go forth?     Because the Church needs you.  We need our single people to go forth in all that God has.  Not because we think you have so much more time to serve than us.  That is, admittedly, an immature way at looking at ministry.  (Because even in marriage and parenthood, we do not cease to be called as ambassadors of Jesus’ sacrifice.)  No, we need you, because God has created you each, specifically with distinct personalities, interests, gifts, desires and passions.  And you are able to jump into them, now.       As someone who is in a relationship, I want to let my single friends know: I still need you in my circle.  I still need your perspective, your friendship and your prayers.  If I decided to walk away from friends, because they are not married, who else will I have in my corner?  Yes, I can say, “Other married couples, of course!”  But where will the gift of my single friends be, if I forgot them?  I’m so sorry that we have made marriage an idol, and only include you if you are interested in relationships, or when we have a service project.  We have called singleness a season, as if you are supposed to prepare for something other than what God has for you.  And frankly, if singleness is only a season, then what will that say when some of you will not marry?     The truth is, you are the gift.  Aside from your relationship status, occupation, accomplishments, mistakes, or experience - YOU are the gift.  And the Church needs you, because, as a Christian single, you are part of the family. 

     I am grieved how singleness has been addressed, or treated in the larger sphere of the Western church culture.  It isn’t a season.  People should always be growing, and yes, when one is single, it is important to be learning about yourself before anyone comes into your life.  However, can we PU-LEASE stop making singles feel like they have to go through some initiation before we include them in ministry…or more so, as part of our lives?  I wonder if singles are only included in larger spheres of people and conversations when the topic is too general, or when they can help with something (“You’re free, so can you babysit?”).  Can they be chosen as friends, brothers and sisters?      The Church is a family that is made up of many parts.  And we need every single person (no pun intended).  We need our children, as well as our elders.  We need the ones who haven’t said “I do” yet, and the ones who have.  We need the clean-cuts, and the rough bunch.  We step into arrogance, when we believe that because someone else doesn’t have a shared life experience, that we somehow have no need to be in relationship (i.e. friendship) with them.  Jesus died for the world, saved us by His grace, and unified us by His love.  Let us live as such.

My Love Story Thus Far

  

I really set myself up, going into my internship.  Though I had let go of the idea that I had to be married to be happy or fulfilled - finally understood that my life could be well spent even if I had no family of my own - I still joked that maybe I would meet someone.  Well, there was this one guy…of course, this is my telling of our tale, but finally sharing the love story that God has written for me remains to be a blessing and privilege.     Jerrad Coons would tell you that the very day I walked through the doors of Destination Church on September 18, 2022, he was completely smitten.  For me, it didn’t take too much longer.  Within a month, most specifically, when our church had a game night, I took notice of him, as well.  His long hair, beautiful and dark brown eyes, and the tattoos told me that this guy was not your “suit ‘em up” kind of man.  Quiet, but very observant.  I thought him cute.  But wisdom told me that I needed to make an acquaintance of this man to see if the first impressions were matching up.  Furthermore, my heart at this time was still holding onto the hope of going back to the Rez.  It was ill-suited to stir up a romance if I was going to leave, anyway.     As my internship went on, I was cleaning the church, and when I needed someone to take over those duties as I increased my school subbing, my pastor suggested that I contact Jerrad.  With the two of us, the cleaning would have been finished in two hours.  In reality, it took double the time, because…well, we talked.  And talked quite a bit. Mostly minor things, but usually centered on background family life, as well as thoughts on politics, the Bible and ministry.  I really liked cleaning the church with Jerrad, and noticed that I was looking forward to Sundays a bit more, as well.     I kept this all under wraps, however.  Again, if I was going to leave - which I still believed that I was as of February 2023 - then why keep stirring things up?  God was revealing that I needed to let go of the Rez, but frankly, I was still holding onto old hopes and dreams.  Nevertheless, even if my interests were masked to the man himself, I told my brother and my mentor. And, boy, the mercy they gave me.  Every little thing that Jerrad said or did, I questioned, “Does he like me?”  My brother just met Jerrad as of last Friday, but he has known about my interest for a year now.  My mentor wanted me to work through this Bible study on breaking free from old wounds, but almost every week we met, I HAD to bring up this guy I couldn’t keep my mind off.       It wasn’t the bad boy that I was interested in.  Okay.  Maybe not completely.  There was something about him that I could tell he was rough around the edges.  I have grown up knowing that I wanted to do missions and probably wouldn’t have your usual picket-fence kind of life.  I wanted the forgotten ones.  And the man that I wanted to marry had to be someone who wanted to go after those who people would otherwise be discarded.  He had to not be afraid of the shadows.  My heart also needed a safe place where I could discuss matters important to faith and health, but also cheerful enough to make me laugh.     One of my favorite memories when we cleaned the church consisted of him finding a homeless man camped out behind our building.  “Laura, what should we do?”  I suggested we do what our pastor has often done: while having to evict the person we could offer a cup of hot coffee or water.  On the way to giving the man water, Jerrad piped up, “If we get shot, it’s been real!”  Ha ha!!  I still laugh about it (and for family and friends - Jerrad would have made sure that he would have protected me).     Jerrad and I remained as friends at church all through my internship.  The irony is that I never caught on to his interest in me.  Even when he would act like he was going to trip me, while I was cleaning. Even with his willingness to help with whatever I needed. Even when he gave me two packs of gum.  Okay.  That actually made me wonder, but I was told friends give friends gifts.  Even going into the summer and while we hung out, I held onto my secret, but I figured we were just friends.     We would go for walks.  I’d call him up to help me move things into my new apartment.  We even would have dinner together.  Now, this is where men would laugh and go, “Yeah, that’s a date,” but I still had no clue!  Maybe it was naivety or being a blonde, but while I liked this amazing man, I only hoped he liked me back.  Then August 14th came up.     There was an ultimate frisbee game, and as the evening grew into night, Jerrad and I remained at the park while everyone else left.  Seated, Jerrad asked me, “Why do you like to hang out with me?”     “Because I think you are cool,” I replied.  He wasn’t buying it.  “No, really.  Why do you like to hang out with me?  And don’t just say ‘because I’m cool’.”  I answered truthfully, “I enjoy your company and being able to talk with you.  And I feel protected and safe with you.”  Our conversation continued on, and I mentioned something about men with long hair, and beards.  “Well, that answers my third question,” Jerrad commented.      “What’s your third question,” I asked.     “What kind of men are you interested in?”     “Why do you want to know?” (See how I beat around the bush?  Truth is, I wanted to tell Jerrad I liked him, but I wanted him to be the first to say it.)  With a deep breath, he finally confessed, “Because I like you and I think you are cute... I had a crush on you since you came, and I don’t just think you are cute.  I think you are beautiful.”  It was out in the air, and the romantic I am, I responded, “Ditto.”  We talked some more and connected the dots over the last year.  We revealed how we tried to show we liked each other, and how we still were trying to keep it under wraps.  Relieved to know we share the same interest, we decided at that moment that we would date exclusively.     It didn’t take long for me to fall for Jerrad.  Even by Labor Day, I was asking God if it was too early to admit that I loved him.  In my waiting, I figured out what kind of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; moreover, the kind of man I needed.  I wanted a man who I could have shared interests and shared values.  I wanted a man who had a hospitality heart, and was willing to help.  I wanted a man whom I can discuss anything with, especially my faith.  Growing up, feeling like I was too much when I tried to discuss faith, it was such a safe place to find that Jerrad and I talked about what God was teaching each of us, as well as things that we identified as needs for our neighborhood.     I wanted a man who was willing to move where God is calling us. I needed a man who has a compassionate heart, but could also help curb my overextension in ministry involvement, and to focus on the actual thing God is proposing for us.  I needed a man who treated me with care and the utmost respect - and boy, does he ever! I wanted a man who was down to earth and willing to step up.  I wanted a man who wanted to reach out to the unwanted.  I wanted a man who was willing to develop his own relationship with Jesus, with and without me.  I wanted a man whom I could have an adventure of a life with, extending out to neighbors.  And in all of these things, Jerrad is.     This last weekend, Jerrad asked for permission from my dad for my hand.  My father said yes, and soon after, so did I.  We are hoping to be married in the springtime.  I know that for friends and family, this seems all of a sudden.  Might feel rushed.  And yet, things were clicking, and they continue to click.  On a regular basis, I am amazed at what kind of man Jerrad Dean Coons is, and who God is growing him to be.  He will tell you he is still learning, but both of us are.  Neither of us are perfect - for no human is - but we have found that we are each other’s perfect fit, and I am excited to spend the rest of my life with him.     As I look back on our story, I also see God at work in my own life, personally.  I remember being in my 20s wondering if there was something wrong with me, because I wasn’t getting hitched. I wondered how much I had to mature spiritually before I was fit to be wed.  Men had caught my eye, but all for the wrong reasons, and it was God’s protection that nothing ever progressed into an actual relationship.  I am so thankful that in the waiting, God revealed the perfect man for me.

Engaged on October 6, 2023

    And perfectly, like in God’s fashion, He went above and beyond what I asked or thought (see Ephesians 3:20).  For me, the fact that Jerrad sees me - not just as cute, but beautiful - whether I’m in jeans, a dress, or even in my sports shorts is incredible.  I thought I had to fit into a specific box to be seen as feminine, but he already sees me as such.  And yes, he loves cooking and cleaning!  Now, I’m not going to put all the household duties on him.  In fact, we like the idea of cooking and dividing house chores evenly.  Nevertheless, here was a man who didn’t expect me to be the stereotypical woman to be worthy of his love.  My character, personality and how I carried myself - the way that God intended - was enough for him.     I am so happy, but I am so thankful for how God worked in my love story.  It wasn’t like the chick flicks would write, but it was perfect.  I am grateful that Jerrad and I began our acquaintances as friends, and had that foundation as we progressed getting to know one another. And he really has become my best friend.  We can talk about anything, ask questions, and inquire together how God wants to lead.  I absolutely love it! And as we have engaged ourselves to be married, now we have begun dreaming, wondering what God has in store for us.  Only time will tell what God has yet to reveal.

Reflections from a 2015 Invasion

 From September 17, 2015
     

     My emotions have been swirling the last couple of days due to something that happened on Facebook.  In short, a man sent me a very inappropriate message (he asked to have sex with me for $100, and to video it).  Then, I found out that he did the same thing to one of my students.  I have felt disgusted, sad, angry, and lastly, I felt hatred.  It's not wrong to be angry; I know I'm angry for all the right reasons.  But anytime I thought about this guy, I felt a temper rise, and would imagine what I'd do if I could see him.
     But God says that "Vengeance is mine." (Romans 12:19).  So, according to the Bible, I'm supposed to forgive this guy.  Not as easy as it sounds.  Like I said, every time I thought about what happened, I would either become sad or angry.  However, finally letting God know the honesty of how I truly felt, I realized that I had to forgive him, and let God.  Sin is sin, and all separate us from our Heavenly Creator Father; all are in need of His mercy.  This man is not my enemy; the perversion that's seeded in him is.  This man is just a pawn...
     Don't get me wrong.  I still want justice.  I want this man found, caught, tried and finally, put away.  I wish what happened, didn't, but I know that God is greater than any of the devil's schemes.  Nevertheless, in the span of eternity, I hope that this man will be able to come to know Jesus Christ.
     I wrote a poem, and it has helped me heal, and I hope that it can help others heal as well.  If anyone has questions, I understand. Go ahead and ask.  God bless.

“Dissipate the Rage that Wants to Hate”
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:21

He asked for my body;
He offered a price.
Now, I hear that he’s gone after my sisters;
He’s asked for our daughters.

I am grieved.
How dare this man define our worth as women
To be found in the bedroom?
To shame us to believe our hearts will never be desired.
Though he spoke through a cyber-screen,
How dare he introduce fear, making us look
Over our shoulders at night, making sure
No one is following?

I am angry.
Righteous indignation is rising
For purity wronged;
For innocence gone.
I wish I could have shielded my sisters
From such a monster.
What I wish I could do if I met him…
Abba Daddy, my hands carry a deep red rage.

But I know.
My war is not with flesh.
But God, it sure is hard to not hate
An enemy with a face.
How do you pray for someone who preyed on us?
I know I should forgive, but I don’t know if I can.
I desire Justice.
God will You be it?

Broken heart, realize
Mercy was given to the undeserved.
Oh, how deep a wound
We hold in all humanity’s soul!
How massive the grace
Found on the cross
Covered with blood not meant to save
Just the sinners that were “good” like me.

Proud of These Scars

My daddy always
Told me to be proud
Of my scars.  They are 
The marks that tell stories
Of the wars waged
In life;
Real or imagined,
In play or in strife.
When the fire burns,
And a decision is made
To run toward the flame,
Not away,
These cracks in the skin are
The evidence of courage
Tried and won.

But as I gaze
Across my body and see
The scars I bear,
Shame encompasses their tales.
A rope wrapped around the neck;
Stomach pains produced from
A self-inflicted poisoning;
Lines along the forearm reveal where
I called a knife a friend in a moment.
There are more.
How can pride be found
When the marks borne
Revealed I fought a battle
Calling myself the enemy?

But there is Another 
Who bears scars.
Inflicted on His behalf,
Descended from heaven
To adopt the guilty charge 
That was my own.
I stand ashamed.
However, the King
Who became a criminal 
For my sake
Demands that I refuse to retain
The refuse of my past.
The burden borne is
No longer mine;
I do not stand condemned.

His innocence exchanged
For my guilt, pain, and suffering.
His body broken so
That I might be healed
Wholly.
So the specks I wear now
Are evidence of a war
Already won;
The cross and empty tomb
Of Jesus defeating
the satanic enemy
Who abhorrently hates
And cunningly deceives.
His love compelled Him

And now I stand

Justified in His stead.
These scars reveal a grace
That goes deeper than my shame.
My face is His delight 
As He calls me His child;
His face is my delight
As I call Him my Redeemer.

How Labor Day Revealed God's Grace

It was Sunday eve of Labor Day.  My boyfriend and I were sitting in his car talking.  We had been dating for two months, but an official couple for three weeks.  Another blog will have to tell the story, but both of us realize that neither of us are in this for kicks.  We truly feel like this is going towards marriage.  The poor man - using all the self-control he has to restrain himself - had the toughest time when I said, “no touch”.  By that Sunday evening, I had heard from well-intentioned Christians say, “Ask God to lead,” but also say, “It’s okay to do…”  So, I figured a hug was okay.     The hug lingered.  He held me so close, and for so long.  While in the car, he held me.  And I liked it.  Very much.  But even in being with the man that I know I want to spend the rest of my life with, I was wrestling.  Something was off despite enjoying being with him.  A reminder that I was blurring the lines.  Thankfully, we didn’t make out.  The way we kept holding onto each other, we were lucky.  No.  It was God’s protection that we didn’t push the buttons more than we had. 
    Though I loved what happened, even when I returned home and talked to my mom, I felt a grieving begin.  By the next morning, I was repenting, knowing I dishonored God and the man I’m with by not standing firm.  It’s not that a hug is a sin.  But, considering my history with romantic fantasies, a hug with the man I love is WAY too much of a trigger for me to fall haphazardly into old ways of thinking.  If there was to be any physical touch, it would have to be minimal and something else.     But first I had to repent.  My boyfriend and I were burned.  Later that day, we talked.  We repented to and forgave one another.  We had to backtrack on what touch would be okay.  However, in all this - navigation is our favorite word to describe learning to walk godly in a relationship - where I failed, I found God’s grace.     Immediately after realizing what I had done, I came quickly to my parents who were visiting for the weekend.  My dad - bless his heart for being soft-toned when he easily wanted to cuss both of us out - gave us godly wisdom.  Moreover, my heavenly Father reassured me how my standing as His righteous daughter wasn’t abandoned, because of my actions.  He reminded me through my devotions. Reading through Romans, God reminded me that He justified me, rather than my own actions.  He died for me - not when I proved I was a good person - but while I was still a sinner.  Yes, I was burned.  Yes, I needed to learn something.  But God, in His discipline, values teaching me to become more like Him, instead of punitively punishing me for not meeting His standards.  Rather than condemning myself for my actions, I found myself sitting in peace, because God’s grace stands firm even when I screwed it all up.     This Labor Day weekend was a sobering, humbling reminder that as much growth as I have gained, I am never too far from going backward.  I can be just as apt to fall into sin as the person next to me.  Walking with Jesus is an interesting journey sometimes.  The more I walk with Him, the more I realize how broken of a person I really am.  But…I am also finding out - because of the level of my depravity - the amazing depth of God’s love and grace truly extends.  Every day I choose to depend on what Jesus did for me at the cross, I realize I don’t have to be held by my past.  God is a God who is in the process of transformation.  And I - I am still transforming.